AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

[Eminencegreige]

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son.

They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate.

Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on.

They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them.

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us.

The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

Yes, I over-cater when entertaining (hence the big lasagne) and freeze any leftovers for us to have afterwards. It means no one goes hungry when they're a guest here. (Like a PP, I've stayed with people who serve a tomato a a lettuce leaf for lunch and a cup-a-soup for dinner and have gone to bed starving) But at the same time I expect a bit of moderation from guests. Have a couple of slices of cake (it was quite a big cake, probably 12 slices), sure — but four?

You’re being a bit over-sensitive here. And while you’re upset they made it sound like you were forcing them to eat, you are recounting this as though they forced you into all this extreme cooking.

You do seem to have an expectation that you must feed guests to exhaustion - that if they eat everything on their plate, you are obliged to keep offering more and more. Whereas it’s OK for a meal just to be over.

And some people feel that it’s impolite to say no when their host offers an extra course. If someone offered me scrambled eggs after I’d already eaten a full breakfast - which has never happened to me in my life - I’d probably think, crikey, do they normally have a 2-course breakfast? Is that a thing? Well, when in Rome…

If you don’t want to cook and bake endlessly, just make and offer a reasonable amount of food.

If you’re happy cooking and baking endlessly, then take it as a compliment that people feel so well looked after in your home.

There’s no need for this to be a drama where either your guests are uncouth gluttons or you’re a compulsive feeder giving everyone diabetes!

But if you ‘expect moderation from guests’, why did you keep producing cakes and desserts, or semi-jokily offering them eggs and toast as a second breakfast?

The ‘accusations’ were compliments, OP. Everything here is complimentary. I don’t think you’re taking people’s comments on your food in the spirit in which they are meant.

You're reading too much into standard light hearted comments which should not be taken literally and certainly shouldn't be on your mind years later. Give your head a wobble. You don't actually think people were accusing you of trying to make them seriously ill. So chill.

No, not from a different culture. I think the parents at least are healthy eaters, as my DH and I are much of the time. My menu was basically quite healthy — plenty of fruit and veg — but because we were having a special weekend with them, and it was Easter, I added in the option of cake and puddings and some little extras. They had the choice of having a slice of cake or pudding or not. They went for it with a vengeance and then posted about how I'd done nothing but feed them all weekend. No, I offered them food which they could eat or refuse. The fact that they ate everything I offered them (which was a surprise to me) was their choice.

I think you're missing the intended tone in all the conversations you've described OP. None sound like criticism to me. Rather affectionate compliments.

Agree with others. You were under no obligation to keep on cooking and baking and offering additional courses/second meals. Forget about it and next time you have guests just cook and offer whatever you fancy and have energy for.

Can I come to stay? That all sounds bloody awesome 😄

Your friend is stirring up trouble. The family who stayed were big foodies having the time of their lives. Another time theres no need to offer quite so much though!

Thanks you for getting it. I guess you're someone who entertains and understand the dilemma.

Yup, I offered cake thinking people would have a slice, maybe two, not expecting them to eat almost all of it. But okay, great, they like cake and they're here for a few days and so I made another, thinking they couldn't possibly eat another big cake so quickly... and they did.

After a couple of days I realised this was just how they were: if I put it in front of them they'd eat it. They didn't have to eat it all, they chose to. Which is fine and would take as a compliment.

But I really don't think that it's a compliment to say that by offering them food I had made them fat and now they needed to go on a crash diet, or imply that they were stuffing their faces to please me. After I'd catered for the birthday party a very slim woman approached me and said 'Ah, you're the feeder who provided all the naughty sugary and buttery and chocolaty treats at Jodie's party in an attempt to make us all fat.' I really object to being called a feeder. A feeder is a specific and very unpleasant thing. I make good food of all kinds. People can eat it or not eat it according to their taste and appetite and current dietary regime. If you enjoy it, just say so. But don't enjoy it and then blame/shame me for the fact you ate too much.

For goodness sake. Yes, those are all compliments. They’re clear and obvious compliments, and the fact that you’re interpreting them negatively is genuinely astonishing.

You asked if YWBU. Most of us think you are. Very much so. Is that impacting your views in any way, or do you remain convinced that these people are criticising you?

Do you always take comments of others so literally?

This.
You are interpreting the compliments in a very weird way.

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how wonderful your catering is ?

You seem to have interpreted the fact that they ate what you served as a hint that they wanted more.

This is an odd interpretation, if I may say so.

Why did you keep giving them more though? They ate breakfast, you saw them eat it, so why did you offer to cook more breakfast? Do you think there should be food left on the plate so if they finished their meal then you should offer more?

Their comments aren't rude. Your comments regarding how much they eat are. One rule for them and another for you i guess.

Where are all the posters from?

Pretty much every diner party or stay-over at friends had plenty of food, and normal hosts always try to have more food - and drinks -that they think is needed.

I don't know anyone who felt the urge to polish off everything that was on offer just because it was there. That's ridiculous.

Saying "it's so good, you are making me fat" is an attempt of a compliment, I wouldn't find it negative. Someone who wasn't even there commenting you served too much food is just rude.

that's what normal hosts do... when guests are full, they say "no thank you".

They don't over-eat just because it's there.

It's someone offers you "tea or coffee' you don't take both just because you could, do you? 😂

This is all some convoluted stealth boast about OP’s sought-after culinary talents AND her decorous restraint and moderation compared with the gluttonous beasts she is called upon to feed.

I think you are just judging their eating under the guise of bring over sensitive.

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how

No, no cultural difference at all and no problems with language.

If you want to compliment me, say 'Thanks for the lovely food. I really enjoyed it.' But don't over-indulge in the food I offer in good faith, then deliver me a back-handed compliment saying you're going to have to starve for the next few days. I offered you something to eat, that's all.

So many women are so hung up on calories, weight, being slim, struggling with food issues. You can eat one slice of cake and tell me it's delicious. Great. You can say 'That cake looks lovely but I'm steering clear of cake at the moment.' Fine, I understand. But don't eat three slices and then tell your friends on FB that I'm making you fat and it'll have to be 800 calories a day for the next week. Take responsibility for yourself. I don't regard it as a compliment to be told I'm obsessed with food and feeding people.

That's your interpretation, I didn't read any of this

they might have meant they had eaten way more than their usual portions because the offer was too tempting, meaning it as a compliment. Not too embarrassed to eat a ridiculous amount of portions.

The other friend The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening what was she on about? Very rude.

So why, and given that you also say you ‘expect moderation in guests’, keep offering them more and more food? You were perfectly at liberty to feed them ordinary amounts of food, which means you wouldn’t be getting cross at what you see as backhanded compliments suggesting you’re a ‘feeder’.

This does sound as though you have a bit of a social misunderstanding. It’s very common ‘banter’ in the UK and Ireland to jokingly blame the cook about being overfed homely food. It’s also very common for guests to be overly polite and eat a lot more than they want to when host are offering second breakfasts, cake, cheese, etc. Not even in the British Isles, I’ve been a guest in many European countries and (I’m looking at you here Italy), and OMG the amount of food the host provided and offered felt so rude to turn down! Although they definitely didn’t judge us like you have (well at least I hope not, am a bit paranoid now!!).