AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

[Eminencegreige]

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son.

They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate.

Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on.

They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them.

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us.

The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

Ach, I'd said 'There's muesli and yoghurt and fruit and granola or I can offer you toast and eggs if you want a cooked breakfast' and they'd all helped themselves to big bowls of muesli and fruit salad, and then had seconds.

No one mentioned wanting toast or eggs and so I got up to start clearing things away and said 'jokingly' 'So I guess that's a no to toast and eggs' and they said, oh, yes they'd have scrambled eggs on toast now, too, thanks. And then toast and marmalade and toast and peanut butter.

It is as if I’ve just read a sequel to “The Very Hungry Caterpillar“ 😂
You come across as a very hospitable person, OP, while your guests are rather rude.

Cheers. Not a great cook, just an experienced one with a tried-and-trusted repertoire. Thank you for understanding why being accused of overfeeding people who were apparently insatiable has rankled.

I had feeders in my family who would take it very personally if you didn’t eat everything they offered with OTT gusto.

If you didn’t finish your food you were deliberately insulting their hospitality. But if you cleaned your plate, they would forcefully insist you ate more, and wouldn’t take no for an answer, while also making it clear they thought you were kind of disgusting for eating so much, and bitching behind your back to relatives and friends about how you ran them ragged with all the cooking you expected them to do to service your insatiable appetite.

And if you said you liked a particular dish, they would serve it to you every single time you met for the next 40 years, alongside ‘joking’ comments like ‘DH begged me not to make yet another pavlova - he can’t stand the sight of them! - but I know they’re your favourite, so I suppose we all have to suffer!’ <angry tinkly laugh>

Food can turn into a horrendous catch-22 of martyrdom, and nothing you can do with this sort of host is right or enough. They see a veiled insult in every compliment. They want to stay in the position of perpetually wronged and resentful giver, while remaining a model of abstinent needlessness themselves. It’s exhausting.

Of course it’s possible OP just has the misfortune to be surrounded by people who are needlessly nasty her about her delicious baked goods 🤷‍♀️

Learn how to take a compliment. They clearly loved your food, don’t get why you are twisting something positive into a negative. Be happy that they enjoyed themselves!

I can assure you that, while I try to be a generous host and make visits here a bit celebratory — so I try a bit harder with the food than I do for just me and DH — no one is under any pressure to eat anything. I don't have an issue with people leaving food of they don't enjoy it. It's always gratifying if people enjoy what I've cooked but my self-esteem isn't invested in seeing them wolf food down. I don't insist on people having more. If they've cleared their plates and there is more in the dish I invite them to help themselves but that's it.

Are you a hobbit & your friends dwarves?

Seems like you're really judging them for how much they ate, even though you kept offering them food. I think offering people dessert is completely normal but you sound really resentful of what they ate. I'm not sure why you offered to make them eggs after they had already eaten two helpings of breakfast, or jokingly offered them cheese if you didn't want to give it to them. When there is 5 adults eating, food does go quickly. Just dont host if you don't want people to eat food.

Honestly reading your account of the food made me wonder if they had worms! They ate an obscene amount and it’s really rude to do that as guests! What is also really rude is to ask for your own cake when you stay with someone because someone else had it.

I think what you say about back handed compliments is a big issue here. I was wondering if you had an uneasy relationship with yourself and your food intake until you said about the bank handers.

It's just a bit of banter. You obviously have a completely different sense of humour and take things literally.

It would probably be best if you didn't host people anymore as it's quite nasty how you are bitching about them.

Do you have issues with food?

I'd find it really really strange if someone served a dessert by giving us each a hefty piece then splitting the same sized piece between two. Why not just cut it into how many serves it's meant to make, everyone takes one and can have more if there's any left over? You also seem very fixated on noting the quantity everyone eats, weirdly 'jokingly' offered scrambled eggs and half-heartedly offered cheese and biscuits then both times judged the guests for taking up your offer, and use pejorative phrases like 'pigging out'. Your OP reads as though you gazed at them open-mouthed all weekend, astonished that people could eat so much.

You cooked offered amazing food.
They followed your lead but WERE gluttonous, I agree.

In future offer less. ie cake slices - no more than two each, on a plate, pudding after one meal one day, cheese after one meal another day, portion sizes the same for everyone and you serve. Breaky - choice of two cooked eggs, or tea and toast, or cereal. Food on hand for snacks to peck at - just plain biscuit, crackers and Marmite - not too many in jar and apples..

you sound like a fantastic host!

What are you doing next weekend? Bagsy I stay at yours. Please.

It’s generally considered tacky and ill-mannered to keep score of what others are eating.

Next time OP make an enormous cake and make them eat it all like Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda 😂.

Your guests remind me of Alan from the Scottish TV series “two doors down”. The main character Beth constantly has neighbours coming round expecting her to feed and water them.
On one occasion a neighbour “Alan” says yes to whatever is offered then when another neighbour comes round Alan nudges him and whispers “I’ve had a tea, a beer and a Sprite off her” or something similar, I couldn’t find the clip to post.

I like to cook for guests and do think it’s a compliment when they enjoy the food, your guests sound like they were just saying yes to anything for the sake of having it which is a bit odd.

I do think you need to take some of the comments you’ve had about feeding people up as appreciation or banter though, I often get accused of being a feeder but that’s better than my guests going hungry.
I used to visit someone who would make a sandwich and cut it into 4 between 4 people and put two bags of crisps in a bowl to share then we would all get a babybel and a single cream cracker for pudding, it was bizarre. We usually stayed for lunch and ate beforehand but on the one (and only) occasion we stayed for dinner we were offered a 9 inch pizza cut into 4 to share and one of the supermarket garlic baguettes between us. We weren’t offered the babybel as we “wouldn’t be able to manage it” as though we’d all eaten a large dominos pizza each.
They had plenty of money but had weird ideas about portion sizes!

Next time you have guests I’d offer less and if anyone mentions it then just say you don’t want to be responsible for them having diabetes. If the same guests visit then cut down on the portion sizes, cakes and puddings.
I hope you get offered the same hospitality back?

You ‘’jokingly’’ offered cheese and biscuits and they ate them, so in the morning you ‘’jokingly’’ offered scrambled eggs and were for some reason surprised that they accepted again? Why are you jokingly offering food in the first place and then being surprised when they take you seriously and accept, and why do you keep making extra cakes etc if you’re alarmed by how much they eat? They do seem greedy but it’s bizarre you’re offering so much food and making jokes of it. Perhaps they feel obliged to keep eating it out of politeness?

It sounds like they liked it but you even said you were shocked by the amount.

I don’t understand your offering food as a joke, that is very odd. If I realised you were doing that then I would be quite annoyed as I wouldn’t know what was genuine versus a joke.

I don't think you did anything wrong and the comments you mentioned read to me like back-handed compliments. Which when someone has gone to an effort of being hospitable, is rude imo.

I totally get the joking about making more food when you've just eaten as well.

Yeah I have to say the over riding image in my head was the Mr Greedy book when OP was listing all the food and the father and son were tucking into their second helpings!

This sounds like an unfortunate situation where OP has tried to be hospitable and they’ve either taken full advantage, or felt obliged to eat whatever was offered out of politeness/awkwardness - I can see how this happened.

Maybe next time make an effort with the first and last meals but not so much with the ones in between. It was good they treated you at a restaurant after all your hard work slaving in the kitchen!

At one stage I used to host all sorts of random groups - families, couples, groups and over time the food thing killed it.
FIL - would eat everything
MIL - would force herself to eat more than normal (eating disorder) then fret about it and the gossip around the family that we were doing alright because we had prawns/on brand crisps/ pudding
Families with small children would rock up, eat what was offered and then ask for random, off menu snacks. Have you got some Pom Bears?
Families with say secondary children - would eat lunch as invited then hang around trying to stretch out another meal so they wouldn't have to bother cooking at their holiday accommodation.

Honestly, I've had every variation of request and feedback over the years.

The thing that really killed it for me is we never visited them in return. So we were in a holiday area but we very rarely went to their homes or were invited to eat out or with them hosting. En-massw it kind of ruined my enjoyment of hosting over a long period of time.

I can see how she maybe made a joke along the lines of ‘a diet coke’ or ‘wafer thin mint’ to make light of their never-ending appetites, then had to follow through when they accepted - it would have saved her a lot of expense and effort if she’d just offered them the kitchen sink!

Or tell them you were joking?

I think in their weird way the guests are trying to be complimentary.

It doesn’t land well with you, but that doesn’t mean their intentions are bad.

It can be quite a fun activity with a teenage boy to see how much they can eat before they are full.

my DS once when about 14 we all went to an all you can eat buffet place and he had four plates full. And pudding.

Well it sounds all kinds of good to me! When can I come? Look I think this has got lost in translation tbh. Your guests obv had a good time,treated you to a meal out and stuffed themselves silly! They probably said in a joke "will need to go on a diet now" who doesn't eat well on a break .you sound like an amazing cook OP. Make sure to eat them out of house and home when you go on a return visit

@Eminencegreige over the years, I have come to the conclusion that some people simply don’t know how to be guests. They have absolutely no idea.

Honestly, shrug your shoulders and make on. You can look in the mirror and know that you were a good hostess and that’s what is important. (At least, it would be to me).

But to let them stay again would be a “do it to me once, shame on you. Do it to me twice, shame on me” decision.

Your catering sounds lovely.