I spoil my DD by not forcing her to eat her none safe foods, AIBU?

[ResturantWithMyDad]

I’ll preface this with my DD (aged 10, almost 11, school year 6) has SN and a disability so we tend to try to keep things the same.

Went to a pub for Sunday lunch after an event for my dads social group. Decided on a pub DD and I go to regularly – Dads been once before and enjoyed it.

I paid for the meals but dad moaned and moaned saying it was expensive for what it was, and it was only good last time because it was a novelty for him. He says he gets fed up of going to the same places time and again and can we try somewhere new.

I said next time he can book and choose but can he warn me in advance so I can check the menu and make sure there’s something DD can/will eat (she has a few allergies of uncommon foods but also when she’s somewhere new has safe foods she eats until she feels safe – usually off the kids menu – nuggets/fish fingers/sausages and then when we’ve been a few times she’ll try something off the main/adult menu but alongside her safe meal and we build up from there – some resturants we’ve been to for years and she still orders the same thing off the menu everytime, I don’t care as long as she’s calm and eating!) to which he said “If she’s going to eat off the kids menu I won’t bother taking her we go to experience the new food not the chicken f**king nuggets especially as once we’ve been I won’t go again” and stomped off to the car.

In the car on the way back he says he gets fed up of the same places all the time, in an ideal world he’d go once or twice to a restaurant then try somewhere else and in his day DD would have just had to put up with eating what she was told where she was told to eat it. Which resulted in a meltdown from DD and her kicking the back of my chair as I was driving. Dad called her a spoilt brat and said “No wonder your dad doesn’t want you” – ExH sees DD eowend for 2 nights but lives less than 5 minutes’ walk from us, he refuses extra contact and told me via a solicitor that he’d prefer me not to remind of our marriage by forcing him to have DD more (a whole other thread)

He's since text me to tell me I undermined him to my DD, we could of gone somewhere else for a change and I could of made her eat whatever I wanted her to but I pander to her. Apparently I spoilt a lovely day out by spoiling my DD. He says at DDs age I would have just eaten whatever - I'm NT and not fussy at all (there's 3 foods I don't eat) so it was ok when I was DDs age if we changed the plan or went somewhere new.

Do I spoil DD? And did I spoil DD by not insisting we go somewhere else or forcing her to try something else?

Dad called her a spoilt brat and said “No wonder your dad doesn’t want you”

I wouldn't be eating out with him again, ever.

Oh OP, I feel really sorry for you.
What a horrible situation for you to be in.
Not only has your own father been emotionally cruel to your baby girl, he's been emotionally cruel to you too - his own baby girl.
I'm so sorry but he's a wicked man to behave like this and to say such things.
If he was loving and supportive towards you and his granddaughter, he'd say "It doesn't matter where we eat or where we go, all that matters is I'm spending time with you both. We can eat at home for all I care. Let's just stick to what's easiest." I mean, any rational person would say this.
There's no way this is the first time in your life that he's been so vile.
You really, really, really do not need this in your life and you really, really, really deserve better. So does your DD.
In case I'm not being clear, NO, YANBU.
And the fact that you even have to ask this because you've been made to doubt yourself on your excellent parenting is heartbreaking.

Nah sorry I'd be giving my dd the choice whether to ever see this twat again. Who the fuck does he think he is saying something so soul-shattering as 'no wonder dad doesn't want you'

I'd be telling dad to fuck right off and then I'd be worrying a lot more about how I can boost my dd's self-esteem and reassuring her how loved she is than what foods I should be forcing down her.

Your DH sounds awful. He should never have called your dd what he did.

That said, I don't think it's helping anyone to organise everything around your dd's likes and dislikes.
You should definitely take her to different places and just let her decide if ahe eats or not. No fuss if she leaves the food, but no specific effort to find something that exactly fits her specifications either.

It should be clear what the purpose of an outing is. If it's a treat for the wider family, then you go out somewhere nice and let dd eat as little or much as she wants.
If it's a trip specifically for helping dd learn to eat out, maybe take just her and go to her safe place.

My 10 year old eats from the kids menu most places still. What she eats should not affect his enjoyment of the meal especially as you agreed to try somewhere new. It was awful what he said to her in the car; your poor daughter. I would tell him how hurt and upset you both are abd not go out with him again until he has apologised to you both.

This is appalling and also so, so odd. If you go to eat with any 10 year old you’re happy there’s something they’ll happily eat. Adults can have what they like. Is your dad always like this? Or is this out of the blue and has shaken you? It seems really obvious that he has behaved horribly.

I think I'll just say that I was required from childhood to taste everything. I didn't have to eat it all. I just had to taste it. That seems like a good starting point.
Maybe the underlying issue with this is what you serve at home. Perhaps you're catering too much to her at home, so she expects it everywhere. Perhaps you're catering too much to her if she feels that a "meltdown" is an acceptable reaction to something like food.

By the way, apropos of "safe" foods - I know you're referring to foods that are safe in terms of her allergies, but in terms of what food are "safe" in terms of someone's general health - things like nuggets and sausages aren't safe at all.

Your DF doesn’t deserve yours and your DD’s company . Leave him at home in future then you can go where you want - it sounds like he’s the spoilt brat

Your dad is a dick. Plain and simple. My mother was the same with my child, said some pretty cruel things regarding her diaability (child has SN and other health conditions). I cut her out of our lives and it is the best thing I ever did. I would suggest you consider the same for the sake of your daughter and yourself.

Probably the child has autism or arfid or both. Those foods classed as safe foods, are foods that the child (or adult) can safely tolerate without it causing distress. Please, and I'm not saying this to be goady, but if you get 5 minutes look up arfid and Neurodivergent safe foods.

She has special needs and allergies, it's about more than simply likes and dislikes.

If he wants to try lots of new places - crack on. He can do it with someone else and pay for it himself.

Very cruel comments to both of you. I bet there is a whole history of his behaviour.

You are surrounded by shit men. Your DD needs better role models and not exposed to this. I would read him the riot act in no uncertain terms as am struggling to understand why anyone would get this wound up and say those things.

Meals out would not be where I opted to die on the hill of encouraging her to eat food she either isn’t keen on or has never tried before. They’re supposed to be an enjoyable experience for everyone. You’re doing the right thing for her, and for you too, nothing wrong with that.

What your dad said to her was absolutely despicable, I’d be tempted to go low contact with him at minimum.

what a nasty man has he always been like this-you dsont even sound shocked by his comments

youre dd parent you do exactly what you need to

hes also a cf moaning about a free meaal

TBF OP he sounds like my dad. Luckily my kids are grown now. Last interaction was in my home and he said some bollocks to my youngest. My son btw is a beautiful bright child. He told grandad to get to fuck and stormed to his bedroom. I sent my father out of the door. Bliss

It's ironic that he called a 10 year old a spoilt brat when he was the one who threw a tantrum over where he went for his (free) food.

Stopped reading at "no wonder your dad doesn't want you" that is unforgivable and you need to protect her from someone who says things like that to her.

I wouldn't invite him to go out to eat withyou & your dd again if he can't handle the type of place your dd will be ok with.

Fuck that shit. I wouldn't be seeing your dad ever again.

I was thinking as I started reading this thread that it’s just a typical old timer not understanding SN but his nasty words show it’s much much worse than that. What a horrible grandad he is! It’s one thing to not understand SN (albeit ignorant AF) but to say something so cruel to a child is unforgivable

At first I thought maybe he was just ignorant about SEN but the comment about her dad was just cruel.

So looking just at teh OP question, and not the issue of your dh's behaviour:

Honestly, it is really hard to know if you have "spoilt" your dd. I don't like that word much in this context, but lets say the question is whether you could have made more of an effort to expand her food choices.

Maybe? It's possible you could have done more. It sounds from your description like you have a pretty good method. On the other hand, I do think in general parents now are really hesitant to just put their foot down and insist on kids getting on with things or going without, that seems to be outside standard parenting now, so I think you approach probably seems the most natural. IN my experience, kids, even often ones with SEN, can do better than we expect with a little more in the expectation department and a little less coddling.

Does that apply to your dd? I don't know and I suppose now you won't know either, it's done, and there isn'y much point worrying about it.

However, your dd may be at a good age to start thinking about this more, as she is likely as she gets into her teens and early adulthood to encounter more instances where she may need to eat in unfamiliar places, and it would be a shame for her to miss out on nice things like travel due to diet rigidity.

This. All of it. I know that sometimes MN jumps to "Go NC" from the get go but this is pretty unforgiveable. Has he always been like this or do you think its dementia? Either way at very absolute least, no more contact with your child.

my school thought like you until I projectile vomited cabbage all over the table at lunch time. And I am NT

I would have stopped the car and made the bastard walk.
He would not have a second opportunity to to distress my child.