To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

Can you “pop” into work to drop off something he has “forgotten”

introduce yourself …

Like this…

Me watching this thread tonight

Message like this wouldn't bother me. Unless there is more to the story (frequent messaging etc). But late messages are not appropriate (ideally he shouldn't respond until morning not to encourage late comms). On the other hand I often email late (work related only), but don't expect anyone to read or reply until business hours)

It's really off to send soppy emails at night to a colleague. The fact that he doesn't find it odd is concerning. If it is really so innocent, a frank conversation with his spouse should be no issue.

This spot on. There is certainly interest on her part. I would never contact a married male colleague outside of work for any reason other than a complete work emergency that no one at work could sort. Sending a flattering message late at night, she clearly thinks it will be well received, why?

Sounds to me as if she wants the relationship to be rather more than platonic. I’d have my ‘predatory female’ scanning antennae on red alert.

Meanwhile, it’s a new pair of underwear for DH op …

Not true. About 40% of affairs begin in the work place:

https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/workplace-romance-statistics/

So, Sheila, someone does in fact want your man.

We talked about again this morning. I’ve said it’s upset me and he said sorry but there’s nothing to be upset about so stop mulling it over. She’s a mate and will continue to be. Feeling really anxious at the thought of them together tomorrow in the office now I’ve seen that message.

When I was in my 20s one of my best friends had an awful time at work because of something like this. She worked in the City, took her career very seriously and was very good at it (for non-work reasons it was a lifeline for her). She was mentored by an older, senior man in her department and this involved perfectly platonic, professional lunches and evening drinks (client events and so on). Nothing untoward from either until his wife realised she was young and pretty, insisted her husband have no further contact with her and sent some rather vicious emails about her to his colleagues. Her company did take her side, to an extent, because they could see it was above board, but her progress there was really hampered. She eventually had to leave, and flourished elsewhere, but she was desperately unhappy for a while.

It is absurdly paranoid to call an appreciative email "a stepping stone to an affair" because of the time of day it was sent.

It's not a business relationship if she's contacting him privately out of business hours.

She is definitely after him, I had similar, she was chasing my partner openly who was supposedly a nice guy or so he said, and it ended up as a two month affair which I didn't find out until he suddenly me after years together.
This needs nipping in the bud somehow.

If he’s not already shagging her, he soon will be. Mark my words.

Almost as if OP has done the much better thing of talking to her DH about it rather than emailing the workplace, no? At the end of the day in a marriage people should be able to talk about how they're feeling, it invariably prevents stuff reaching the point of going directly to the workplace. It's fair enough he's saying they're 100% just friends, but i don't think it's paranoid to find an email with that content specifically on a Saturday night strange.

The timing was inconsiderate; it could perfectly easily have waited.

And the whole concept of an “appreciative email” with that tone is gauche and OTT in a professional setting. There are ways and ways of saying things. Except I don’t think she was making a professional statement tbh; or she is inept at phrasing and judging appropriate tone.

You send emails and messages at your convenience. That's the point. If it's midnight before you get a chance to send them, so be it. There's no further significance. I've sent tons of late-night emails, both for work and otherwise, and it's never occurred to me that someone would have their notifications on at that time.

Young people can sometimes be gauche, who knew. Off the top of my head I could list 10 horribly gauche things I did in the workplace in my 20s.

I would sort it now.Several years ago my world imploded when the DH of a woman phoned my DH whilst I was with him after finding highly suggestive and inappropriate texts between his wife and my DH.Turns out although they weren't colleagues their paths crossed through their respective jobs and over time she had engineered to bump into him more than necessary. And yes my DH was complicit by keeping her 'friendship ' secret from me and and allowing things to escalate.Although not a full physical affair deeply hurtful as it had gone on for months of flirting. The only way we recovered was him ceasing all contact-obviously not possible in your case at present-and counselling at his suggestion which showed me how serious he was about repairing the damage to my trust and our marriage.

Appreciate what you say but she’s not young and naive, she’s in her late 40s.

Yes, I would too. There’s a time and place ffs. Why was some random work colleague emailing a married man last at night just to say ‘thanks’?
And for his to get defensive rather than stating she was a bit full on and was out of order in emailing out of work hours. Sounds suspicious to me.

How old is your DH, OP, if that's not a rude question?

He’s 46

I haven’t read all the posts, the bit that would jump out to me on this that it was sent to his personal email address.
sending a late email would be odd for some people, but many others not, even the contents of the email I could let go.
I’d want to know under what circumstances she got his personal email address?

It's not the time of the email that's the issue. I'll send messages at 2am if I'm awake remember. It's the topic. It's never necessary to send gushy messages to a colleague.
He needs to nip it in the bud. If he won't, there's a problem brewing.