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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

378 replies

Booklover12345 · 17/05/2025 22:29

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

OP posts:
Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 13:28

mixedcereal · 18/05/2025 13:24

I haven’t read all the posts, the bit that would jump out to me on this that it was sent to his personal email address.
sending a late email would be odd for some people, but many others not, even the contents of the email I could let go.
I’d want to know under what circumstances she got his personal email address?

They shared them and also their phone numbers do they can keep in touch when not at work.

OP posts:
DipsyDee · 18/05/2025 13:30

Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 12:42

We talked about again this morning. I’ve said it’s upset me and he said sorry but there’s nothing to be upset about so stop mulling it over. She’s a mate and will continue to be. Feeling really anxious at the thought of them together tomorrow in the office now I’ve seen that message.

He should not be putting her as a “mate” over you and your feelings. You have expressed to him your discomfort over this situation yet he tells you she will continue to be a mate! Highly inappropriate and I would be bringing fire down on him . Do not let him make excuses

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 13:30

Digdongdoo · 18/05/2025 13:26

It's not the time of the email that's the issue. I'll send messages at 2am if I'm awake remember. It's the topic. It's never necessary to send gushy messages to a colleague.
He needs to nip it in the bud. If he won't, there's a problem brewing.

Exactly.

A late night email to a work address saying “remember we need to chase Adrian for those figures first thing on Monday” is quite different from a mushy non-urgent sycophantic gush sent to a personal address.

And I don’t think I was unusually wise in that I could have perfectly easily discerned the difference in my 20’s ( which she isn’t in anyway.)

ballroomblue · 18/05/2025 13:30

"She's a mate and will continue to be."

Does he mean she's a mate and will continue to be a mate, purely platonic?
Or, she's a mate and it won't ever develop into anything romantic?

I think the difference is important.

The first meaning, he's totally dismissing your concerns and not bothered about upsetting you because, in his eyes, she's truly is just a mate and will stay that way.

The second meaning, he is taking your feelings into account and trying to reassure you that he just sees her as a mate and there's no threat to your marriage.

lemondrops4 · 18/05/2025 13:34

BatchCookBabe · 17/05/2025 23:52

Funny how these married men never have work friends (who they contact late at night outside the office,) who are 55 year old balding men called Colin! Wink

This!!!!

lemondrops4 · 18/05/2025 13:35

Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 13:28

They shared them and also their phone numbers do they can keep in touch when not at work.

Nah I wouldn’t be happy with that. He needs to stop it. Ridiculous

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 13:37

Also funny how bald Colin never writes:

” Mate, just wanted to text you at bedtime to say what great mates we really are! I love having you in my team! You make my day and I’m soooo pleased we are working together in this project!! Such fun!!!Night, Colin” 👨‍🦲

OrangeAndPistachio · 18/05/2025 13:38

What are you going to do op? Do you have any reason to believe that he's enjoying the attention from her a little too much?

How does he react when you have a friendship with a man?

OchreRaven · 18/05/2025 13:38

Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 13:28

They shared them and also their phone numbers do they can keep in touch when not at work.

So she not a colleague but a close friend now that needs to have access to him 24/7? Not ok. And his response which is ‘sorry it upset you but I’m not changing anything’ is not acceptable.

Have you asked to see their emails and messages to reassure yourself that boundaries haven’t been crossed?

I would be clear than it’s not just a physical relationship that crosses boundaries. If he is talking to another woman constantly and is not happy with you reading those messages then that is an emotional affair, even if each message on its own is not a huge red flag. It’s the culmination of behaviours which make the relationship inappropriate.

If he’s not willing to take this onboard and be completely transparent with you about their communication including showing you the messages I would go nuclear. Ask for time apart to process what is happening in your marriage.

Leaving his marriage over a few nice comments from OW unlikely, but after months of intimacy possibly. If your boundaries are reasonable, and he’s willing to blow up your relationship over them, then he cares more about her than you. It’s better to know that now.

UnintentionalArcher · 18/05/2025 13:43

The fact that our own experiences so strongly shape our views comes through really clearly on this thread. The only thing we can know from the information shared here is that we can’t know anything for sure.

The view (from one poster in particular) that so-called ‘good’ men can be tempted/taken away by predatory single women is really counterintuitive to me. I suppose the first and obvious point is that humans can’t be easily divided into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’; we are all varying shades in between. I do understand that someone who has generally been a good partner otherwise could end up having an affair in the ‘right’ coalescence of circumstances. Nonetheless, men absolutely still have a choice there and that person could not then be described as being entirely ‘good’, if we view goodness as the sum total of someone’s actions. I think that the ‘good man tempted by a predatory single woman’ narrative is reductive, retrograde and damaging, setting women up to view one another as threats or competition, with the man as an inert penis-driven prize to be kept.

That said, if someone feels the need to intervene, I don’t think that’s necessarily as awful an indictment on the state of the relationship as some posters have suggested. Intervention could mean simply stating that you don’t feel comfortable with something as a means of opening up a discussion, while maintaining a questioning approach to your own feelings and where they stem from, which is less likely to make a partner feel policed or controlled. Or it could be a really heavy-handed and controlling approach which isn’t indicative of a healthy relationship. I don’t like the phrase ‘nip it in the bud’, however, because I think it positions women right back in that partner vs. other woman dynamic, a narrative in which the man to a greater or lesser degree is the unwitting victim of a siren and needs explicit re-direction to control their sexual appetite. This can also create the all too common parent/child dynamic where the woman as the ‘responsible’ adult has to educate the husband, or ‘child’. Personally, if I felt like I needed to take any significant action myself to nip something like this in the bud, I would be questioning my relationship. I would expect my husband to have the wherewithal to recognise his own feelings - whether objectively condemnable or otherwise - and carefully consider the consequences of any actions he might take either way, without my intervention. I am aware that not all men (or people) have that level of self-awareness of the connection between feelings and actions, but as a trait that would worry me in a partner.

OP, maybe there is nothing to worry about here. The message is too gushing for my taste, but this woman could just be like that with lots of people. Maybe she wanted to send a more personal message (hence the personal email) without the intrusiveness of a late night text because she has had previous struggles at work and appreciates this new working relationship. Or maybe she does want more from your husband, and he does or doesn’t reciprocate those feelings - no one on here can know. I hope that, through open discussion with your husband, you can reach a resolution.

Editing to be clear: I dislike the phrase ‘nip it in the bud’ as an action that the (in this scenario) woman has to take; no issues with the male partner in this situation taking such action if he himself views the message as an overstep/thinks there may be more to it.

real13 · 18/05/2025 13:47

I can totally see why you would be jealous, and I wouldn’t like it either but..it doesn’t mean she’s after him.

I work in the office and sit next to 4 men. We get on so, so well and have such a laugh throughout the day. There have been several occasions where I’ve wanted to message them outside of work hours if I’ve heard something funny that I think they would like to hear, or something that happened in the day etc.

I have messaged on one or two occasions, and they have done the same. I don’t make a habit of it because I have a partner and they’re all married.

Her message isn’t actually suggesting that she wants to start an affair with him or that she’s interested in him (but I do completely understand you feeling this way and I’d ask him not to message back).

TakeMeDancing · 18/05/2025 13:49

DipsyDee · 18/05/2025 13:30

He should not be putting her as a “mate” over you and your feelings. You have expressed to him your discomfort over this situation yet he tells you she will continue to be a mate! Highly inappropriate and I would be bringing fire down on him . Do not let him make excuses

This. He is prioritising her feelings over yours. 🚩🚩🚩

He is prioritising watering his garden with her over your feelings, and has shut you down. 🚩🚩🚩

He enjoys the ego boost.

He has already started the D in DARVO. Just waiting for the A next…

TakeMeDancing · 18/05/2025 13:51

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 13:37

Also funny how bald Colin never writes:

” Mate, just wanted to text you at bedtime to say what great mates we really are! I love having you in my team! You make my day and I’m soooo pleased we are working together in this project!! Such fun!!!Night, Colin” 👨‍🦲

Exactly

KaleQueen · 18/05/2025 13:52

There is no problem men and women in relationships having friends of the opposite sex in and out of work as long as it’s all transparent.

As soon as they say ‘just’ before ‘a friend’ and react defensively when it’s brought up. And shut down your feelings telling you it’s you that’s the problem, you’ve got a potential issue.

MasterBeth · 18/05/2025 13:57

lemondrops4 · 18/05/2025 13:34

This!!!!

Yes they do!

Of course they do!

But no-one cares if Bob from Accounts sends Keith in HR a funny meme at midnight, or they spend half the weekend together (at golf or in the pub) because generally we're not worried they're going to fuck each other.

And that is always the point about these conversations. This is all only problematic if they are going to fuck each other. If your husband is trustworthy, then he is not going to fuck around outside your marriage and you have nothing to worry about.

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 14:20

UnintentionalArcher · 18/05/2025 13:43

The fact that our own experiences so strongly shape our views comes through really clearly on this thread. The only thing we can know from the information shared here is that we can’t know anything for sure.

The view (from one poster in particular) that so-called ‘good’ men can be tempted/taken away by predatory single women is really counterintuitive to me. I suppose the first and obvious point is that humans can’t be easily divided into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’; we are all varying shades in between. I do understand that someone who has generally been a good partner otherwise could end up having an affair in the ‘right’ coalescence of circumstances. Nonetheless, men absolutely still have a choice there and that person could not then be described as being entirely ‘good’, if we view goodness as the sum total of someone’s actions. I think that the ‘good man tempted by a predatory single woman’ narrative is reductive, retrograde and damaging, setting women up to view one another as threats or competition, with the man as an inert penis-driven prize to be kept.

That said, if someone feels the need to intervene, I don’t think that’s necessarily as awful an indictment on the state of the relationship as some posters have suggested. Intervention could mean simply stating that you don’t feel comfortable with something as a means of opening up a discussion, while maintaining a questioning approach to your own feelings and where they stem from, which is less likely to make a partner feel policed or controlled. Or it could be a really heavy-handed and controlling approach which isn’t indicative of a healthy relationship. I don’t like the phrase ‘nip it in the bud’, however, because I think it positions women right back in that partner vs. other woman dynamic, a narrative in which the man to a greater or lesser degree is the unwitting victim of a siren and needs explicit re-direction to control their sexual appetite. This can also create the all too common parent/child dynamic where the woman as the ‘responsible’ adult has to educate the husband, or ‘child’. Personally, if I felt like I needed to take any significant action myself to nip something like this in the bud, I would be questioning my relationship. I would expect my husband to have the wherewithal to recognise his own feelings - whether objectively condemnable or otherwise - and carefully consider the consequences of any actions he might take either way, without my intervention. I am aware that not all men (or people) have that level of self-awareness of the connection between feelings and actions, but as a trait that would worry me in a partner.

OP, maybe there is nothing to worry about here. The message is too gushing for my taste, but this woman could just be like that with lots of people. Maybe she wanted to send a more personal message (hence the personal email) without the intrusiveness of a late night text because she has had previous struggles at work and appreciates this new working relationship. Or maybe she does want more from your husband, and he does or doesn’t reciprocate those feelings - no one on here can know. I hope that, through open discussion with your husband, you can reach a resolution.

Editing to be clear: I dislike the phrase ‘nip it in the bud’ as an action that the (in this scenario) woman has to take; no issues with the male partner in this situation taking such action if he himself views the message as an overstep/thinks there may be more to it.

Edited

Yes ultimately it’s her DH who has to - and should be the one to - act appropriately.

The suggestions of op acting to “nip it in the bed” take on a farcical aspect. I wasn’t meaning to make light of the situation with the big ring flash etc; but it does highlight that ultimately it’s very hard for someone in op’s situation to do anything substantive because these things do “take two to tango.”

But it’s two, not one, and if women didn’t disingenuously mince round saying “ oh but I didn’t know he was married” and took some responsibility for their half in it - and it is half - the situation would be half as bad. In these situations the ow and her standards of behaviour have more feed into the narrative than the dw.

Ultimately it’s a bit unfair to suggest op “nips it in the bud.” She can’t. She’s tried. It’s other people who need to address their own behaviours, not her fault for being somehow dozy or weak. But I think the comments are meant supportively, so she isn’t gaslighted into thinking she’s done how “ jealous” or “ paranoid” for thinking it’s inappropriate. I mean you only need to consider how weird the Bald Colin email would be to realise it’s just not a normal work correspondence. Pretending it is is not fair.

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 14:22

MasterBeth · 18/05/2025 13:57

Yes they do!

Of course they do!

But no-one cares if Bob from Accounts sends Keith in HR a funny meme at midnight, or they spend half the weekend together (at golf or in the pub) because generally we're not worried they're going to fuck each other.

And that is always the point about these conversations. This is all only problematic if they are going to fuck each other. If your husband is trustworthy, then he is not going to fuck around outside your marriage and you have nothing to worry about.

I would care if DH was getting memes from Keith when we were in bed. And if one woke DH you can bet he’d care!

LittleMG · 18/05/2025 14:23

Her email COULD have been innocent but sounds dubious. His reaction is telling you more about the situation.

Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 14:36

Thing is, "nip it in the bud" is putting the onus on the OP but I understand the sentiment. One of the more frustrating things about an emotional affair situation is both the H and the work colleague thinking the wife is stupid/buys his excuses.

If my hypothetical marriage was to end I'd want it to be by me telling him to get lost because I know exactly what he's doing rather than being blindsided.

StupidBoy · 18/05/2025 14:57

Booklover12345 · 18/05/2025 07:30

She sent it to his personal email account not work one and he looks at them on his phone so it’s not even through a work channel.

Why does she even have his personal email address? That's just weird and completely unnecessary.

Ask him if any of his bloke mates have ever sent him an email very late at night just to thank him for being such a laugh and such a good friend and to say how much they appreciate him.

Whether he realises it or not yet, she's got him in her sights. You are going to have to keep your eye on this.

Flyswats · 18/05/2025 14:59

Get him to bring her round for dinner to meet you.
That should put an end to any hopes she has festering late at night on a Friday.

skyeisthelimit · 18/05/2025 15:06

It wasn't necessary as a colleague or friend to tell him how great he is and what a fun time she has working with him. They had no need to exchange personal email or numbers.

She is crossing a line. It could be totally innocent, but just as easily , she could be setting her sights on him.

If he starts to put her feelings ahead of yours then that tells you everything you need to know.

Evilspiritgin · 18/05/2025 15:07

Christ I messaged a colleague to tell him how my shift (after he went home )went last night

im in my early 50s he’s 26 , a Mumsnet no no no doubt

Jobsworth7 · 18/05/2025 15:11

Evilspiritgin · 18/05/2025 15:07

Christ I messaged a colleague to tell him how my shift (after he went home )went last night

im in my early 50s he’s 26 , a Mumsnet no no no doubt

It would have been a no-no if the purpose of the message was to say how much better your shift was before he went home, because you're just so thankful you work together and he's sooo much fun.

MasterBeth · 18/05/2025 15:17

Calliopespa · 18/05/2025 14:22

I would care if DH was getting memes from Keith when we were in bed. And if one woke DH you can bet he’d care!

Then you're actually being annoyed by your husband keeping his email notifications on over night, not the thought that Keith's got the hots for him.

There's every chance some subscription or automated email will come in at midnight.