To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

It's never necessary to tell a colleague or friend that they're great and you like working with them, but what a miserable workplace you have to be a part of if this doesn't take place.

And I have personal numbers and emails for all of my team - and beyond - because we get on and sometimes meet up outside work

All of these things are normal and don't mean I want to bang any of them.

If it was late on Friday she might have had a few drinks before sending that message. This is not to condone it, but may account for the late hour. I definitely think she has her sights on him, as others have said. And I'd be concerned by the DH's emphatic "she's a mate and is going to stay that way" its a kind of loyalty / devotion to a female that strikes me as going in the wrong direction.

Agree.

My closest colleague is male and I count him as a friend. I can’t imagine any normal scenario where I’d be messaging him late at night to tell him how great he is. Because I’d be mortified he’d think I had the hots for him. I might write it in a Christmas card.

Gosh yes it’s a bit odd and boundary crossing OP. I’ve got friends at work and wouldn’t message any of them late at night in that manner. I would keep reminding your DH that’s it’s his job to set the boundaries here as she clearly is lacking in them, whether sinister motives or innocent.

Yeah, I think as a woman you tend to be quite wary of possibly sending out the wrong messages to men. As we all know that if they're so inclined, some men will take virtually anything as a come-on.

I, as a heterosexual woman, would definitely be concerned that an affectionate message to a heterosexual male colleague isn't misconstrued. Different if you are good friends of long standing.

Unless of course you want it to be construed in a certain way 🤷‍♀️

I saw this on Facebook the other day and sums up cheating very well...

Cheating doesn’t start with s@x… it starts with sneaky conversations. It starts with the subtle things… the harmless “likes,” the innocent compliments, the private messages that seem casual but cross invisible boundaries. It begins when loyalty gets blurry, when attention starts shifting away from the relationship and toward outside validation.
It starts when a partner chooses secrecy over transparency… when they hide their phone, clear their notifications, change their passwords. It’s in the small betrayals that build up quietly.... the laughs shared with someone who isn’t their person, the emotional intimacy they begin offering to someone else, the confiding, the late-night texts that should’ve never been sent.
Cheating doesn’t always need a bedroom. Sometimes it’s a connection that’s formed through words, through time, through shared secrets that don’t belong outside the relationship. It’s the slow erosion of respect… the quiet betrayal of trust… the moment they start giving pieces of themselves to someone who isn’t you.
By the time it turns physical, the emotional line was already crossed long ago. And that’s the part that cuts the deepest… because it wasn’t just their body that strayed, it was their loyalty, their attention, their heart. Cheating doesn’t start with action… it starts with intention. It starts with entertaining what they should’ve shut down the moment it presented itself.
So never underestimate those “just friends” conversations that feel off… the ones they wouldn’t have if you were standing beside them. Because loyalty isn’t proven in moments of ease… it’s proven in moments of temptation. And a person who truly respects you won’t entertain a situation that could risk losing you… not even a little.

No I’d be annoyed Keith has seen fit to send something trivial at that hour.

You don't seem to understand how electronic communications work, then.

It's not like a phone call when you have to give it your attention when it is sent. Turn off notification sounds and look at it in the morning.

It was his personal email, not a works one. It was late on a Friday night, he was in bed and he is married. I hope you don't really think any of this is a good idea.

I'd be annoyed at the phone being on at night- absolutely no need. I would be suspicious about the e mail.

Why not email her yourself and invite her over?

I mean seriously, if she is definitely only a pal and looks a bit like a bloke anyway, there's no harm done. But if she is a minx who is trying to get into his pants and take over your role as life partner, it will become obvious, very quickly!

@JustTellItAsItIs So true! The sentance that stands out, and perhaps summarises the whole situation is…

“…because it isn’t the body that strayed, but their attention, their loyalty , their heart”

‘Thanks for the laugh’. Urgh. Just no.

Did you email him? Did you gush over how fantastic it was just being around him? Or just drop a quick whatsapp or text about your shift? No-one is saying that there should be absolutely no friendship between colleagues of the opposite sex, and no chit chat between colleagues who are in other relationships. It's just that there is harmless chit chat and then there is this. Which is on another level.

Exactly! And the person waiting in the wings...Given an inch, will take a mile...!!

I’d be fuming. Nothing innocent about that

Do not be cool wife. This is how the cheating starts. Boundaries get blurred, egos are stroked.

He’s gaslighting you.

He has no intention of giving up his ego strokes.

its heading into affair territory - sorry OP

@Booklover12345, it was a flirtatious move at an intimate hour. E reached out to your Husband late at night to effuse over him. She felt confident that her move would be well received, which indicates a sparky dynamic between them at work.

His response to you was unacceptable. He had an agenda to protect their relationship and shut you down. First, he didn’t want to be forthcoming when you asked the reasonable question ‘Who pinged?’ Then he lied by omission and downplayed by answering that E said thanks for the laugh. She clearly said much more during her late-night gush. When you expressed your upset, he dismissed your feelings.

Lines are being crossed by these two. E has a crush and H is flattered and invested in the ego validation. He couldn’t care less about your boundaries, and feels entitled to marginalize you.

This wouldn’t be happening in my marriage and shouldn’t be happening in yours, @Booklover12345. I’d be stating to H that I need space while considering my options. There’s no way that I would sit by while he blurs boundaries and builds an inappropriate connection with E everyday at work and out of hours.

I know it’s petty but if my husband was acting as chilled out as yours, I’d be giving him a taste of his own medicine and laughing about what fun ‘James’ from work is and how we had a lovely lunch blah blah blah just to see his reaction. Sometimes these idiotic men just need a reality check and a reminder 😌

This always feels like it might do the trick ( thinking back to friends’ teenage love-tussles); but in reality once he’s on the path of an inappropriately chummy relationship it will only make him feel more justified in pursuing it. “ Fine: you have James. I’ll have fun bedtime email gal.” It only blurs what is acceptable by op feigning to do the same. And she actually isn’t, while he is. ☹️

Ask him to show you all the similar late night emails he gets from his male coworkers gushing about what a "really great friend he is and how he makes their day and the job such fun and he loves being in his team and working on this new project together." Somehow I doubt there will be any.

Yuck! That smacks of desperation on your part.

What is she desperate for?