To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

Good point- what times are their usual shift?

Well, surely you can understand that sending a late night message to a married co-worker with a very sweet load of compliments isn't typical work behaviour. And if you don't understand that then you may need to take some sensitivity/harassment prevention training before you get yourself into a pickle by sending overly familiar messages to people - especially people lower in the work hierarchy than you - who do not want those messages. By all means compliment someone on their work, but you're lacking vital self awareness if you don't understand why this message and this time of night is a bit of an eyebrow raiser.

Was the email sent outside of work hours?

Sending it to his personal email is weird. Why does she have that? It's not like it's something that comes up in conversation or something people give out like a phone number. You only give email addresses out for specific reasons.
I get on well with my manager. He does make the job easier and the days better. But I have no desires on him at all. I don't contact him outside of work hours and if I do, I either email him (work email to work email to deal with once back in work) or text him if it's more urgent.

This is how affairs start OP. A bit of banter at work that gets flirty and personal between them. From there they move to talk about themselves, and presto, the emotional affair is on, soon before the physical "fun" begins.

Your DH will gaslight you because he knows he's crossed a line and is feeling defensive. Watch out. Don't let him gaslight you.

Why are some people so determined to defend and totally exonerate single women?

It’s as if they are somehow lower iq and can’t manage to figure out a way of finding if a man is married- all this “ how’s she supposed to know?”

When I was single I knew I got attention so was careful not to pursue or encourage it with a married man. For all sorts of reasons, including just being a decent person, but also because it actually isn’t hard to find single guys to have these sorts of exchanges with. Or maybe some single women don’t get a look-in with those guys? Too much competition from the other single women so they have to target some guy most of them wouldn’t concern themselves with?! I just don’t get it. Single women are not some ignorant demographic who have no way of figuring out if someone is married. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

That's true. I don't have personal email addresses for any colleagues - I don't need them. I'll send a WhatsApp or use work email.

I suppose there might be a circumstance where you would need it for a specific reason. But it would be unusual.

I love the excuse I was given on the previous page that "It's too long to text" like people don't type emails on their phones and text/WhatsApp don't let you send multiple paragraphs!

Put it this way , I ( female) was going to text a longtime friend last night and when I picked up my phone saw the time and said to DH, “ oh I’ll leave it till tomorrow, she’ll be in bed by now.”

It’s just intrusive with or without a potential sexual dynamic.

My work colleagues and I are all fine with it. We are in the trenches together. It's a norm for us.

My ex ran off with a co-worker so I’m very sensitive to over-friendly co-workers, it’s taken me a long time to get past this. I used to have numerous rows with my current DH about how pally he has been in the past with female colleagues.

It didn’t help that he’d say stuff like, “her husband owns his own business!” It annoyed me his instant responses were based around why those women wouldn’t run off with him - not about why HE wouldn’t run off with them.

Funnily enough, I was about to WhatsApp a male co-worker this morning about something I’d suddenly remembered, but I thought it wasn’t appropriate timing and his wife may not like it. I’m sure I’ll totally forget what I needed to tell him by Monday when it’s within work hours.

Back in the olden days of yore, when text messaging first became a thing, I sent a text to my then boss at 3am to tell him how brilliant he was, and how much I loved working for him.

I was just home from a club, happy drunk and in love with the world.

Absolutely beyond mortified the next day.

Brilliant response @WilfredsPies! This is exactly what the op needs to state very clearly so her DH is in no doubt what he is risking by playing with this particular fire. I’d probably add some specific consequences too, including the financial implications of separating, and the consequences for their children if they have any.

I might also suggest that DH shows he understands this by sending the colleague a brief, polite but firm reply to her email saying something along the lines of,

’I’m glad to know you are enjoying working on the x project; your dedication and enthusiasm is certainly an asset to the team. However, I would appreciate any further feedback you may have to be scheduled and sent within working hours. I believe it is crucial to both corporate success and individual wellbeing for us all to maintain clear boundaries between our work and private lives. My wife and family are incredibly precious to me so, outside of working hours, I want to focus my time and attention on them.’

It could be because despite everything he's given you, you don't trust him, so what's the point of telling you that he wouldn't do that? Why would you believe his words? You might believe that she wouldn't stoop as low as him though, because she has better.

Believe it or not, that view of himself is down to your perception of him. Thats the kind of thing I'd say to my possessive ex: "he's gay", "he's religous", "he's partnered". All to show why the man wouldn't have me even if I wanted him because my ex wouldn't ever believe that I didn't want the guy.

Bet his wife’s face was 🤨!

You know, on the plumbing front, its very male oriented. If a woman felt my partner had made it a bit easier for her at work, I'd genuinely be proud to be his partner.

I mean, do you really have to ask why she’s thinking of him late at night? It is pretty obvious IMO.

I would be wary of this. From a flip side I went through similar, I was in a bad place in my marriage and my co worker was there for me. We ended up getting way too close with lots of messages exchanged outside of work. It nearly led to a physical affair. It stopped but it took a lot for me to stop it and only got better when he left my company. I don’t think you are being jealous, stick to your guns and keep a close eye on him. Is she on his social media? If so how are they acting towards each other on there?

Also I can see that possibly it seems a bit less big-headed than reassuring you with “yes, well of course she desires me, but don’t worry: as well as being desirable and driving women wild with lust, I’m also faithful. Aren’t I just everything in a package!” I think it’s intended to clear it off the table for discussion.

I didn’t want to say that … but, yeah.

And also wanting to insert herself in his mind at that hour …

Its intrusive and an overstep. I try to avoid contacting anyone at that hour unless it’s about a school run next morning or similar. But to write a gushy, non urgent ode is … not usual.

Maybe get the email address and respond op: please don’t email DH at that hour. It’s when we are being intimate and he’s too embarrassed to complain.” 🤣

Any decent Man would NOT turn it on you saying you were jealous etc, A decent man who had no interest in her would reassure you and say how inappropriate it is and that he would tell her to stop as it's making you anxious etc. So the way he has reacted says a lot TBH.
I would be fuming too in your situation. And I would think something is going on with them - or about to.

This 100%

Me too - a text would be different, especially to a personal phone number

I do send emails out of hours, but to and from work emails, not private.

Yes, but unfortunately in this case the op has since said it was sent to his personal email which definitely negates any argument about timing