Page 17 | Party pooper - How to respond?

Secondchoice2 · 2025-05-17T18:33:43+00:00

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity. I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated. However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago. I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/05/2025 23:13

The key things here are that she made a selfish choice by ditching you for a preferable option and it upset you, so there’s two things she needs to be told. I’d just say, “Look - I can’t pretend I’m not hurt by the decision you made. You know how it impacted the activity and my son on his birthday. I think we have different ideas about what we would do for our friends but let’s not make a big deal of this for our children’s sake.” Then cool things off with her if you feel that there’s no going back.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/05/2025 06:52

Mirroar · 17/05/2025 20:42

That's a bit dramatic, its a 9/10 year old girl going to a birthday party ffs. Its not the girls fault OPs DS doesn't have tonnes of friends to invite.

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Wow, your character shines through!

That's bad behaviour and YANBU OP, sorry for your son.

Leave the friendship to him and the girl, but distance yourself from the mother.

No manners at all.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/05/2025 06:53

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/05/2025 23:13

The key things here are that she made a selfish choice by ditching you for a preferable option and it upset you, so there’s two things she needs to be told. I’d just say, “Look - I can’t pretend I’m not hurt by the decision you made. You know how it impacted the activity and my son on his birthday. I think we have different ideas about what we would do for our friends but let’s not make a big deal of this for our children’s sake.” Then cool things off with her if you feel that there’s no going back.

Perfect 👏.

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 07:29

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/05/2025 23:13

The key things here are that she made a selfish choice by ditching you for a preferable option and it upset you, so there’s two things she needs to be told. I’d just say, “Look - I can’t pretend I’m not hurt by the decision you made. You know how it impacted the activity and my son on his birthday. I think we have different ideas about what we would do for our friends but let’s not make a big deal of this for our children’s sake.” Then cool things off with her if you feel that there’s no going back.

A lot of posts, including this one, are missing the point that the OP's DS only has two friends, one of whom is Cowbag's DD, and the OP built a party around the little girl.

Maybe Cowbag is being selfish. Or maybe OP's DS has been getting increasingly intense/dependent and Cowbag is being a good mum and looking out for her DD by putting a boundary in place that the little girl is too young enough to realise she needs, let along enforce.

We are a ND family ourselves and I totally understand how sometimes ND people can unwittingly stifle those around them. It is what it is. We don't mean to drive people away and it's sad when it happens, but it's not fair to expect them to accept having their boundaries squashed just to make us happier.

As I've previously said, the OP is showing traits of ASD herself, and if she hasn't been assessed before, it would be worth going for an assessment. ASD is genetic, so it's unusual for at least one parent to not have some form of ND themselves - if you know you are ND, you can cope better, and you can help your ND children better.

ThxForTheFish · 20/05/2025 08:01

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 07:29

A lot of posts, including this one, are missing the point that the OP's DS only has two friends, one of whom is Cowbag's DD, and the OP built a party around the little girl.

Maybe Cowbag is being selfish. Or maybe OP's DS has been getting increasingly intense/dependent and Cowbag is being a good mum and looking out for her DD by putting a boundary in place that the little girl is too young enough to realise she needs, let along enforce.

We are a ND family ourselves and I totally understand how sometimes ND people can unwittingly stifle those around them. It is what it is. We don't mean to drive people away and it's sad when it happens, but it's not fair to expect them to accept having their boundaries squashed just to make us happier.

As I've previously said, the OP is showing traits of ASD herself, and if she hasn't been assessed before, it would be worth going for an assessment. ASD is genetic, so it's unusual for at least one parent to not have some form of ND themselves - if you know you are ND, you can cope better, and you can help your ND children better.

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What ASD traits do you recognise in the OP?

soupyspoon · 20/05/2025 08:06

OMG another thread where someone is semi diagnosing ASD.

How tiresome.

No one can 'show traits' through the power of a forum post. FFS

Calliopespa · 20/05/2025 08:39

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 07:29

A lot of posts, including this one, are missing the point that the OP's DS only has two friends, one of whom is Cowbag's DD, and the OP built a party around the little girl.

Maybe Cowbag is being selfish. Or maybe OP's DS has been getting increasingly intense/dependent and Cowbag is being a good mum and looking out for her DD by putting a boundary in place that the little girl is too young enough to realise she needs, let along enforce.

We are a ND family ourselves and I totally understand how sometimes ND people can unwittingly stifle those around them. It is what it is. We don't mean to drive people away and it's sad when it happens, but it's not fair to expect them to accept having their boundaries squashed just to make us happier.

As I've previously said, the OP is showing traits of ASD herself, and if she hasn't been assessed before, it would be worth going for an assessment. ASD is genetic, so it's unusual for at least one parent to not have some form of ND themselves - if you know you are ND, you can cope better, and you can help your ND children better.

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I agree with this up to a point, but you don’t choose someone’s birthday as the day to enforce your boundaries.

That’s just rubbing salt in the wound.

Gossipisgood · 20/05/2025 10:00

Put her on the spot & call her out by letting her know the other party invites were only handed out 2 days ago therefore she hadn't double booked & it's left your Son upset. Of course you can't insist her Daughter comes to your party, it's their choice but definitely don't let the Mum off for being a Twat.

LilacReader · 20/05/2025 11:52

Ottersmith · 17/05/2025 21:36

I'm surprised at how vitriolic the responses are on here. They aren't 5. At 10 its up to the kids whose party they go to. The girl obviously preferred to go to the other party. I'm sure Cowbag tried to persuade her to go to your son's, but what can she do? At 10, girls like to be included with the other girls. It's a shame for your son, but you placed way to much importance on this party and too much pressure on your friend. Ultimately, she is not responsible for your son's ASD and his struggles at making friends. This is just a decision her kid has made.

All these other Mums telling stories about looking their friends in the face and telling them they did a shitty thing. Wow. This party thing sounds like a minefield. I remember being responsible for my own guest list when I was a child, parents just facilitate.

Absolutely - but it would have been nice if the Mums were friends for a nice quiet word to be had to explain it. Though also, I do think that it is down to us to teach our children how not to be rude. If we agree to something we should follow it through.

ThejoyofNC · 20/05/2025 12:06

Did you bump into her this morning OP?

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 22:35

soupyspoon · 20/05/2025 08:06

OMG another thread where someone is semi diagnosing ASD.

How tiresome.

No one can 'show traits' through the power of a forum post. FFS

The OP's child has ASD, and in most cases, that comes from at least one of the parents.

This entire thread is a massive overreaction. Rejection sensitivity and emotional disregulation are things many people with ND experience. It's really not a leap to suggest that it might be worth going for an assessment if she hasn't already.

And an assessment is not the same as a diagnosis. Not everyone who is suspected of being ND actually is!

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 22:38

Calliopespa · 20/05/2025 08:39

I agree with this up to a point, but you don’t choose someone’s birthday as the day to enforce your boundaries.

That’s just rubbing salt in the wound.

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There's never a good time to enforce your boundaries.

And we don't know whether there was a straw that broke Cowbag's back. Her DD could have relayed something innocent that happened at school and she could have thought, enough is enough. Or maybe one of her friends pointed out how unhealthy things were getting for her DD and it prompted her to suddenly put a boundary in place.

Whatever the actual reason for the timing, it's sad, but it's happened, and guilt tripping Cowbag isn't going to get the girl to the party. Cooling the relationship - both for the mum and the child - is the best way forward.

Tbrh · 20/05/2025 22:45

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 22:38

There's never a good time to enforce your boundaries.

And we don't know whether there was a straw that broke Cowbag's back. Her DD could have relayed something innocent that happened at school and she could have thought, enough is enough. Or maybe one of her friends pointed out how unhealthy things were getting for her DD and it prompted her to suddenly put a boundary in place.

Whatever the actual reason for the timing, it's sad, but it's happened, and guilt tripping Cowbag isn't going to get the girl to the party. Cooling the relationship - both for the mum and the child - is the best way forward.

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Your username is apt 😅 That's a rubbish excuse. If you commit to something, then you've committed. It's annoying how people take good things, like enforcing boundaries and then use that to try and justify poor behaviour when it suits them.

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 23:16

Tbrh · 20/05/2025 22:45

Your username is apt 😅 That's a rubbish excuse. If you commit to something, then you've committed. It's annoying how people take good things, like enforcing boundaries and then use that to try and justify poor behaviour when it suits them.

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Too many women commit to things that don't serve them. It took me many decades to realise that. How many men do the same thing? I don't believe in flaking generally, but the older I get, the more I realise that sometimes you need to remove yourself from a situation for valid reasons, and that's much important.

If Cowbag really felt that the OP's DS was over-reliant on her DD, she absolutely did the right thing in removing her child from the situation.

It's entirely possible Cowbag is... a Cowbag. But after the way the OP has described everything, I don't think it's that.

Either way, she cannot change things. The girl isn't coming to the party.

All the OP can do is gently distance herself and be polite, so she doesn't completely blow up 50% of her child's friendships. If DS gets to hang out with Cowbag's DD at school or casual playdates, great. That's better than the zero time he'll get with her if Cowbag decides to completely separate them because the OP and/or her son is making the girl the son's emotional support animal.

As for my username, it comes from the difficulties of reading social cues and how people misinterpret that. So yes, very apt on a thread about a child with ASD. Thanks.

Calliopespa · 21/05/2025 00:33

Tbrh · 20/05/2025 22:45

Your username is apt 😅 That's a rubbish excuse. If you commit to something, then you've committed. It's annoying how people take good things, like enforcing boundaries and then use that to try and justify poor behaviour when it suits them.

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That’s exactly what I think about the whole “ reinforcing boundaries” rhetoric.

Something that was initially a useful concept has been hijacked to become an excuse for being unjustifiably arsey. You see it all the time on here: hideous behaviours are smuggled through under cover of “ having boundaries” as though they deserve to be not only excused but positively applauded for being downright selfish.

Transpose onto that the whole “ misogny” tune ( again something very necessary in its original context) and you have a recipe for women to behave with zero morals and zero conscience.

@heartlessbitch it’s all very well to say dismissively that “ there’s never a good time for enforcing boundaries” but there are most definitely better times than others. The stuff about a “last straw” at school is all made up. By far the most likely scenario given the timing is exactly as op has explained: a new and more desirable invitation arrived over the top of the existing commitment.

If there was any “ support animal” concern the cowbag ought to have stepped in sooner - perhaps when the activity was being adjusted for her dd might have been an ideal time . All she has done is taught her dd to become a selfish flake. And if there WAS a support animal issue, why has it not been mentioned? Making up a reason not to come without explaining why ( which is effectively what you suggest they have done) is hardly an appropriate way of enforcing boundaries. And you might want to say “ no one owes anyone an explanation” ; while in many cases that is true, it isn’t when you are hurting someone by reneging on a commitment.

User450877 · 21/05/2025 06:54

I do agree that it’s a good idea to look to make more friends with other families and kids are ND as good life advice for anyone with ND kids.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of any close friendship is if you can’t rely on them to be there at your birthday - my bf of oooh 25 years is not my emotional support animal but we do support each other in good times and bad because that’s what close friends do…

as for setting boundaries, that is a slow constant battle with nd kids as I know, but breaking social rules like this, causing bad feeling and all to go to an awkward party with girls the other child isn’t good friends with doesn’t smell like a brilliant way to do that…

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 21/05/2025 07:39

Agree, it's taking a good thing and twisting it to fit their narrative.

You don't flake on an invite for better one.
It was good enough until something else came along.

There are many more opportunities for life lessons for the daughter, this was just a bad thing to do from the mum.

No difference if they'd known for two days or more.

Your word is your bond, but clearly the mum's isn't.

Bellaboo01 · 21/05/2025 18:56

That is very sad for your son but, the young girl would prefer to go to the other party that has been arranged on the same day. Just because her Mum has helped organise your son's party doesn't mean that her daughter has to miss out on her friends party.

Why did you need so much help in organising this party and cater for one certain child when it clearly is an activity that is run by the organisation so they will be all set up for this,

Cismyfatarse · 22/05/2025 22:25

How did it go at the school gates?

Calliopespa · 22/05/2025 23:21

Bellaboo01 · 21/05/2025 18:56

That is very sad for your son but, the young girl would prefer to go to the other party that has been arranged on the same day. Just because her Mum has helped organise your son's party doesn't mean that her daughter has to miss out on her friends party.

Why did you need so much help in organising this party and cater for one certain child when it clearly is an activity that is run by the organisation so they will be all set up for this,

” the young girl would prefer to go to the other party”🙄

I seriously hope you don’t have children with that attitude…

HigherWaffle · 23/05/2025 00:29

accentdusoleil · 17/05/2025 19:37

That’s so sad and annoying. Could you offer to take her son to the party ?

No!!! Do NOT do this. Tell her to get stuffed.

Fruitbat99 · 23/05/2025 01:24

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:14

Unfortunately, the minimum age for the activity is nine. I may have to rope in my 15 year old nephew. It will look odd but he will do it because he is a nice lad.

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Bung him a tenner. Honestly op this is something that would happen to me. Please please call her out on it!

Fruitbat99 · 23/05/2025 01:25

CurlewKate · 17/05/2025 19:53

Is it possible that the daughter was steamrollered into going to her brother’a friend’s party and put her foot down? Can the activity still be done with 7?

Lol what brother?

Fruitbat99 · 23/05/2025 01:36

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 00:15

I totally agree. This is a small party for a ten-year-old's birthday, not a wedding.

As far as invitations and etiquette, if my kid had already accepted a party invitation, under normal circumstances, that's the party my kid would attend. It's important to teach manners.

However, the OP doesn't know that the other invitation actually is the reason the other mother withdrew her child's acceptance, she only assumes it.

After reading this thread, I think it's quite possible that other mother actually decided to withdraw from this party because the OP had just gotten to be too much.

The other invitation could have been her way of relieving her daughter's disappointment or it could even have just been a coincidence.

This thread is seeming increasingly off-kilter to me because the other mother and her child seem to have been made solely responsible for the success or failure of the OP's kid's party.

The other mother says her kid can't make it after all and suddenly she is a "cow bag" and a "shit bag?"

Wow. If that's how dependent and intense the OP had become with the other mother, I don't blame her for getting out of this deal.

If I hadn't agreed to throw or co-host a party, I wouldn't want all that on my shoulders.

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Lol she doesn't assume it, the other mother literally told her that was the reason.

Its actually you who is making assumptions, oh sorry I meant excuses and they are a massive reach.

If the other mother didn't want her daughter to be solely responsible for the success of the party then perhaps she shouldn't have gone along with the planning, only to drop out at the last minute.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/05/2025 07:10

heartlessbitch · 20/05/2025 23:16

Too many women commit to things that don't serve them. It took me many decades to realise that. How many men do the same thing? I don't believe in flaking generally, but the older I get, the more I realise that sometimes you need to remove yourself from a situation for valid reasons, and that's much important.

If Cowbag really felt that the OP's DS was over-reliant on her DD, she absolutely did the right thing in removing her child from the situation.

It's entirely possible Cowbag is... a Cowbag. But after the way the OP has described everything, I don't think it's that.

Either way, she cannot change things. The girl isn't coming to the party.

All the OP can do is gently distance herself and be polite, so she doesn't completely blow up 50% of her child's friendships. If DS gets to hang out with Cowbag's DD at school or casual playdates, great. That's better than the zero time he'll get with her if Cowbag decides to completely separate them because the OP and/or her son is making the girl the son's emotional support animal.

As for my username, it comes from the difficulties of reading social cues and how people misinterpret that. So yes, very apt on a thread about a child with ASD. Thanks.

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Surely, if Cowbag had become uncomfortable about OP's son becoming over-reliant on her daughter, the time to enforce boundaries was when OP was planning the birthday party?

OP would have been hurt but would be in a better position to arrange something different that didn't require a minimum number of attendees, and certainly not a party catering specifically to Cowbag's daughter's preferences, and her son wouldn't have been told that his friend was attending.

The time to enforce boundaries wasn't after the birthday party had been arranged and her daughter's attendance confirmed. That was cruel and really bad mannered.