Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

Well don’t act too relieved or we’ll start to wonder! 🤣At least you weren’t the recipient of my Martian argument …

I think it’s a great idea oP.

I hope it’s a huge success and the other party is a dismal failure

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I didn't see this Martian argument, I'm going to hunt for it now 🤣🤣

That’s shit. I’m sorry. The only thing you can do is not trust this person going forward. Does your child have any cousins who could fill the space?

If you had to change the activity to something that the daughter would like to do then she never really wanted to go. The kids are not the good friends that you think they are.

Absolutely this!

And "cowbag" 😂

I would be completely honest with her, not angry or emotional but honest - as per some of the wonderful responses constructed by pp's.

Your ds and the dd will remain friends anyway - you can't control who your children play with at school and hopefully she wouldn't be that peevish as to try and stop her dd from playing with your ds.

Just want to say I'm raging on your behalf - there is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour despite how some posters may try to frame it. It's disgraceful.

Sorry to anyone who's dealt with shit like this from other parents - I can't believe such selfish wankers exist.

it is probably that, but the mother should say sorry we had accepted John party before that so you need to decline the invite that cake after. We cannot cancel two days before especially as this activity requires 8 people and if we cancel it will impact the whole party. This would teach her manners and to maintain friends. Instead she is teaching her to not maintain her word and change ideas when convenient. It is very bad but at least the OP has seen the person moral compass and can dissociate from her and her daughter, as obviously she is sadly tracing her daughter to be this kind of person.

This @Secondchoice2 catch her out so she knows you know. Then say “you know I need a minimum of 8”

I totally understand why you’re upset about it. But I’m afraid I do agree with some others who have said booking a party which absolutely relies on a certain number of participants was unwise, especially when your son has few close, reliable friends. It’s not at all unusual for kids to drop out of parties at the last minute for all sorts of reasons eg illness, family emergency, a parent forgetting about it, etc. What will happen on the day if 1 or 2 kids don’t turn up?

@Secondchoice2 you can preserve the kids’ friendship but still call out the Mum - you don’t have to be rude or unkind, just honest - especially if the daughter has told your son she’d rather go to his party? I’d stick to facts - ‘you haven't double-booked - we planned this since January and X’s invites only came out last week. You know I need at least 8 and besides, your DD has told DS she wants to go to his. I don’t know the 100% truth but this has disappointed me and left me with a mess to sort out, especially as we changed the activity to one your DD was happy with’

I am out of words.

👽👽👽

It was the wrong sort of party to choose, I think op sees that now.

But actually in terms of her hurt, what has in fact - and not hypothetically - happened is that everyone else has not flaked and it is the friend op leant on for support organising the party and made clear she was really wanting her dd is the one who has bailed.

OP isn’t here complaining Johnny who they added for want of anyone else has come down with chicken pox. It’s the friend that op changed the activity for and whose mum knew full well.

Interesting, op, to know if any of your other attendees were subsequently invited to the rival party and turned it down on the basis of a prior engagement…

That's a shame. I hope you can go ahead with it all the same. x

Oooh … that’s actually quite a sexy face ! 🤣

You don’t do parties do you … specifically laser strike?! Op’s party could be saved and some with a laser-striking martian to join in!

its shit but also perhaps an opportunity next time not to plan something that needs specific numbers of people, give yourself flexibility. that doesnt remove the dissapointment he will feel of course

If there was already compromise on the activity so she would attend, I would consider if the friendship is really as close as you think. They're at an age where they know their own minds, and friendships can't really be forced by parents any more.
She's a cow for cancelling at the last minute, and I do agree that kids should be taught to follow through on their commitments. But perhaps next time, don't pick such a rigid activity and risk this disappointment.

So the truth is she doesn’t value your friendship. If she did she wouldn’t string you a long about something she knew was very important to your family and then drop you at the last minute. That’s the absolute opposite of friendly.

My instinct is that this ‘friendship’ has benefitted her in some way so she’s stuck with it. Any chance you provide some childcare every time her daughter asks for a play date?

Well, exactly.

The girl will either continue her friendship with OP's DS, or will drift away from him.

Whether OP and Cowbag are friends will cease to be important.

Possible she is making it up to avoid son blaming her

Possibly. Sometimes if my daughter is worried to tell her friend something, I’ll tell her “just tell them it’s me and I didn’t want you to go” or whatever

I agree with another poster that you need to maintain that friendship your son has, but it's incredibly infuriating that Cowbag will then not have to face up to her behaviour. She is leveraging and curating her daughters friendships, instead of celebrating with one of her natural ones. A friendship all the more important because as you say your son doesn't have as many friends as some.

It's not only poor etiquette to agree to one party then cancel to go to another whose invite came later, it's actually cruel when jtd a child's party and an intimate one at that, let alone where she KNOWS you need the numbers to do the activity. And which was changed to accommodate her daughter!

I'd be tempted to arrange a play date soon after, with little party bits and a party bag so your sons friend is included in the festivities but have a word with the mum and say just what a let down it all was, how you almost had to cancel the party due to numbers and how your son missed his friend on the day. Leave pauses and don't say too much, let her fill the gaps and hopefully a grovelling apology will materialise, too late of course.

Genuine q - are the paintball & laser tag options at the sane place ? If so and your don prefers the paintball I would check to see if that were free and if it was switched h so he gets his 1st choice, obviously if separate locations not possible now with less than a week to go.

Your 15yr old nephew great choice - my DS would have loved the fact that an older child "chose"to join them.

Another left field option but one I did once when a person dropped out of a laser tag party and I was short of numbers I asked the venue if they had any people wanting to play (they used to do an open session at 10 aM on a Saturday) - they had a couple of 10 years old who joined us

Do any of your. Neighbours have an available child or nephew the right age who could join

Sympathies @Secondchoice2 - think you should try to take the high road and ignore this mum as much as possible. If she tries to engage, use the wording someone suggested that you’re not ready to talk to her yet as it caused such upset etc

Just wanted to warn you that it will probably get worse going forward as I noticed in my own kids’ years that the girls who had boy best friends in primary school dropped them like a stone over the course of Year 7 (1st year of secondary). Worth keeping in mind so you can prepare your son early and discuss how friendships can change going forward (and probably will). Best of luck for the party and be prepared (dressed) to step in yourself if necessary as sometimes people pull out/get sick at the very last minute, especially this time of year!