Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

I remember being one of two girls invited to a boy's party (total of 4 at the party).. accepted and then got another offer of a party (girl's) same day. I was absolutely not allowed to accept the second offer. I was not happy and I still remember nearly 50 years later ..my mum was absolutely 100% right, a valuable lesson in not dicking people around.

I wouldn’t take it personally, i suspect the daughter wants to go to the other party far more and perhaps didn’t really want to go to your sons. Just because they are friendly doesn’t mean she wants to go. It’s rude that’s it quite last minute but perhaps they did know the party was on just not exact time

Talk about spectacularly missing the point.

When does your son go to secondary? Because if it's this year I would absolutely call cowbag out, as friendships across the sexes don't seem to survive the move to secondary so you've very little to lose with only weeks to go till the end of term.

If it's next year, I would still call her out but less strongly: "oh, that's really disappointing that you've decided to cancel coming to DSs party in favour of Ella's - as you know we will have to cancel now which is really upsetting for him and for me. I'm shocked you have done this to him to be honest."

If you don't say anything then this will fester. Send a message, ignore her bleating replies trying to justify her shitty behaviour, and don't think of her as a friend any more. You can still arrange for your kids to play without being mates with her.

You'll feel much better once you've sent something. She has already destroyed your friendship, so you really don't have anything to lose.

They may end up in the same form, schools try and keep “friends” together

You don't need to go off on one at her but I'd definitely make it clear how hurt you are and how hurt you are for your son.

As much as cowbag helped you plan it, her daughter probably wasn't very heavily involved in that and if she's better friends with the girl then it's a difficult position as the daughter isn't the one making the decisions and commitments, her mum is doing that on her behalf. I would find it very difficult to tell my daughter she couldn't go to a closer friend's party if I was the one who made the commitment to your son's party, not her. I like to think I would try to find a solution (arranging an activity for my daughter and the birthday girl instead of attending her party maybe) and talk to you face to face about it and not coward out of it by sending a text.

Not at all. It was a genuine question what op would do. This is a chat forum you know.

I’m not in the UK (as you know by now) but I absolutely do parties! Meteor shower dance parties are my favourites though.

This is where I’d have been thinking - as her - yeah but it’s not my DDs party is it. The fact she thought this was okay indicates to me she’s one of those parents who thinks her kids’ preferences come first in every conceivable situation. No offence intended but she probably also places a lower social value on your family because DS is struggling a bit with pals and as a result you’re willing to be accommodating to ensure he’s not getting left out. She obviously felt she was doing you a favour in the first place. Some
people are more bothered about their children’s place in the social hierarchy than they are about basic manners, and these are the peak years for it.

I’m not criticising your decision making by the way, having a child who struggles to easily form firm friendships is hard. And that’s also why I probably wouldn’t get into a dialogue about this. Your son having a friendship group is (just my view) your main aim; telling her she’s out of line is appealing but carries a risk. I’d take a pragmatic view, namely, the children can be friends, but now you know where you stand with her. What difference does it make to your son if you hit her with the thumbs up and write her off?

I can see others would differ and I can see why, perhaps it’s a good thing she knows you feel fucked about, but she’s not going to do anything substantive about that, it could spiral, and I don’t reckon it’s worth potential future hassle for DS, since he - currently - is happy with her DD as a friend.

When school friendships are long forgotten her daughter will remember that you break your word when it’s socially convenient, an approach that may well backfire on the mother at some time in the future. Personally I don’t see how giving children less than moral values protects their interests, but what do I know?

The friendship is unlikely to survive nonetheless. I've been through this and seen it with others. The friendship groups don't stay across the sexes, for some reason it all gets very single sex at secondary in the early years.

I get the sense of betrayal, I’m sure I’d feel the same. I was just pointing out the dangers of relying on every single child turning up. As you say, no one else has flaked yet, and hopefully they won’t, but there are still several days to go …if 8 bodies are absolutely required for the activity, the OP needs to have a Plan B up her sleeve.

I’m so sorry, OP. But the line ‘there’s this mum, let’s call her Cowbag…’ deserves to be in Mumsnet Classics.

Yes that’s true.

The likely scenario here is that the child wanted to go to the other party and the mother is now between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out what to do. She’s fallen on the side of letting her daughter choose the activity that she really wants to do. I get this sucks for you, and a message saying that you are disappointed for DS given she knows the difficulties he faces is reasonable.

Very late to the party and only read part of the thread.

Do you need exact number teams? I’m only asking as when I organised laser tag for my DDs 11th birthday I didn’t even think about teams. On the day we ended up splitting dd & her freirnds against younger siblings, dd only had a few friends but all had younger siblings who are also friends with my younger DDs so were invited. In the end DH also did it as our youngest was 6yo and wanted him to go with her, there were also 2 walk ins who we were happy to let join our group.

i know not all venues are the same but maybe ask if they have walk ins or get an adult to make up numbers. Your nephew sounds perfect.

im guessing on cowbags DDs part that as a growing girl she might be struggling wanting acceptance from her peers, mainly other girls so is happy to be included. My friends dd really struggled, her cousin was the unpopular ASD child, she was regularly defending him and spent her playtimes with him, but as she got older she admitted to her mum she just wanted to be like the other girls and do things with them. This could well be what’s happening with this girl, it’s about this age a lot of children go separate ways. I’m not excusing her behaviour, she’s committed, I’d normally never let my DDs back out of a commitment, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do if my dd was desperate to be included else where.

Sounds amazing!

I think this is a perfect response. I really feel for you and your son OP x

I’d normally never let my DDs back out of a commitment, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do if my dd was desperate to be included else where.

If you're going to be honest and not stand firmly on your high horse like a lot of contributors to this thread, you probably do know what you'd do. If your daughter was saying "I know you told me I ought to go to Xs party because he hasnt got many friends, but now Y is having a party and everyone will be there and I really, really want to go" then you'd let her go to Ys, not drag her along to X's to be a reluctant and sullen participant, at best, in something she never really wanted to go to in the first place.
If she did get forced to go to Xs that could, quite easily, be the end of any friendship there is as she would resent him for "making her be there".

Hi @Secondchoice2

I think Cowbag was truly awful however, I wouldnt let her see she’s ruined the party. Invite your nephew (or older sibling of those coming) and then still have your DS’ two best friends (including cowbag’s dd) for tea after school one night.
Just tea and a movie/hanging out/gaming etc.

If Cowbag turns you down a second time, I’d maybe consider that the DD being your son’s best friend maybe isn’t true anymore. Children do leave friends at different times and sad as it is (especially if your child doesn’t have many good friends), it happens and they move on. With autism that transition isn’t ever going to be easy but hopefully the DD will come and it’ll be ok.

It may be that Cowbag’s DD was refusing to go to laser tag and the mum had no other choice but to cancel. Maybe the DD’s other party friend was putting lots of pressure on her to go there instead. Whilst that’s impolite and flakey, kids are kids and some parents are gonna be softer about it than others. In the same way I think it’s very rude not to write a thank you letter for party gifts and other parents don’t give a ff.

Maybe just say to DDs mum, “such a shame DD couldn’t come to the party. With autism it’s extra difficult when you’re let down for no reason and it’s going to take DS time to get over it unfortunately.”
Then at least the mum will hopefully sit and think about the effect it’s had on you and DS.

Hope your son enjoys his 10th birthday and has a cool time playing laser tag 😊

You would hopefully be clear to your 9 year old that you don't accept an invitation and then change your mind if a better offer comes along.

I also think it's weird that people want a 9/10 year old girl to be made to learn lessons from her mother's mistakes and/or behaviour. She's only a kid and largely uninvolved in the whole thing, it sounds like she just wants to go the party of a friend who is closer. She's not the one monitoring diaries. The mother is the one who should be facing up and holding her hands up, making her decision and owning it properly.

It wasn't the daughter who created the situation though. There are plenty of other things she could be learning from this, not that she's responsible for someone else 'double booking' her.

You honor your commitments and you don't let your friends down. That's pretty much basic parenting for decent human beings.

Here’s my guess.

ND people generally have friends who are also ND.

l would bet her dd is also nd and she wants her to be more “ normal” and popular. Possibly to do with her own school history.

I have raging adhd and was always close to people on the spectrum.

My mom wanted me to be friends with the pretty popular girls because I was pretty and being popular trumped all for her.

All of that said though manners and kindness are two of the most important things a person can have,

She's doing a huge injustice not teaching her that.