Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

This OP ☝️

The kids had playdates and hung out in our garden. During half term they have gone to the park with friends and afew mums. We've done things together. I've given lifts after day trips when they've came back from school late. They are friends. But I accept maybe just not as tight as some others. The little core group of friends from nursery was 10 kids. 8 went to the party. That's why I'm upset. But I understand dynamics have changed and I don't know the full ins and outs of school life. I will try and be less sensitive. I suppose I'm nervous about them starting secondary school and maintaining friendships but as many a poster has suggested he will keep some and some will fade. And then there will be a host of new problems to look forward to!!! Thanks for all your advice.

What have you decided about lifts?

Are you sure the party could even accommodate 10 kids? The go-kart track by us is max 8, the VR escape room is max 8, go ape is max 8 per adult... not every party is suitable for a bigger group. Not that he had to invite your son because you don't hold parties, but 8 is quite a specific number for parties.

Fair enough but no need for you to be at her beck and call with lifts. That’s just taking the mick.

Just say no.

It's not petty OP.
She's a user and a CF. She likes your son well enough when it suits her, but doesn't care about hurting the feelings of a 10year old either.
Fuck her.

@Jammiesdodger what did she say exactly about giving lifts?

By experience, you’re more likely to be relieved that your dc has found new friends in secondary school. Not the ones from nursery because that’s who I’ve always known but friends he has chosen.

Not that he had to invite your son because you don't hold parties,

For me, this is a crap way to look at things.
You should be inviting the people you want to spend time with, your friends. Not the ones who have invited you before.

Why do you refer to "its birthday" and "dipping its toes in the water"?

Does your friend's child identify as non-binary?

Also I'm not sure you and your friend have mutual children

Do not facilitate her kid's lifts in any shape or form. Especially of her kid might boot yours off the team. Its dog eat dog as she clearly knows.

A short no we can't do lifts.
As blunt as her non party invite.

I agree with this I am dreading the beginning of secondary school bevause my daughter doesn’t like change but I cannot wait for her to make new friends. My daughter current best friend is lovely but her mother is a toxic control freak like one of those dance moms. Im hoping this friendship will fade so I can be rid of the mother completely.

Yes to leave 2 kids out if 8/10 went is rude and wrong

and yes I would feel the same as you

so a simple sorry can’t do lifts as we do things /see people before /after

How did she expect to send them?

I would feel the same as you OP.

Regardless of the party thing though, she’s a cheeky cow to expect lifts to an activity every week, so I’d be annoyed about that in its own right as well 🤣

💯 this. Don’t talk about the party… you are just prolonging / adding to the drama. I’m sure your son just wants to move on…. he would be embarrassed and surely if she ends up getting to the sport you might have to stand beside near her, honestly who wants that awkwardness?

I think I would just say sorry but we won’t be able to help you out, I hope you get sorted. Be prepared that she might ask again or send him to your house for a lift…

sorry you are in the situation, it was a really crappy thing to happen and I know it would be heavily playing on my mind too, but you have to be the bigger person

You aren't friends, and neither are your DCs now, it seems. Why on earth would you even be considering giving lifts? You have no responsibility to her child, quite literally, none whatsoever. Just channel your inner Phoebe and say 'Oh I would... But I don't want to.'

This.

The entitled kind.
Then when matches start the expectation is that you will be the driver for every match.

We had a situation where my son joined football and the very first match that came up he got into the car and told me we were bringing x and y to the match too, two children that I didn't know.

I contacted the coach and politely but firmly told him that this was a complete non starter.
We didn't know these children and it was not his place to be assigning such a responsibility to us, our car, on our time two weeks after my son has started coaching.

It was basic safe guarding as far as I was concerned and I would think it weird for a parent to think this was fine, but some clearly did.

Oh and I agree, don't conflate the party and lifts, they are two different issues.

When their child becomes your responsibility for lifts you end up having to check in constantly if you child is late, sick, doesn't feel like it, whatever.
Same for matches.
A huge thankless responsibility.

Find your voice! When she asks you for favours, it's okay to say to her that your kids aren't close any more, and you don't want to commit to taking someone else's child to their activities. She hadn't got a leg to stand on!
Advocate for your child and for yourself - her inability to drive and her lazy fucker husband aren't your problems to solve. It's okay to challenge cheeky fuckery!

Forgot to add that I spent years nurturing my DD's primary school friendships and it seemed so important at the time, but honestly, once they go to Secondary school they very often make completely new friends.

If you want an excuse just say you don't always go straight home. Or just say no that doesn't work for me.

why should she expect you to ferry her child?! absolutely don’t offer and if she asks say you are busy / won’t be leaving from home/ won’t be returning home via same route etc just any excuse until she gets the point.

I wouldn't give them a lift after that. Just say no. It wasn’t difficult to include your child in a party was it. You have no obligation to do that for them at all.