Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

Absolutely say no. You don’t have to give anyone lifts. Especially in these circumstances and I don’t think you’re being petty at all.

Trust me from bitter experience do not get caught in the trap of ferrying someone else’s darling little brat to clubs it’s a bloody nightmare & only ends in tears of sheer frustration when the little shit has a temper tantrum over not being picked or subbed; or tackled a bit to hard by the opposing team I had my car kicked; I got told to fuck off you old bitch (he got left at the venue until mummy could collect him) my son got punched & my daughter got bullied until I got hold of the little shit ‘ told him a few home truths that then led to daddy dearest on my doorstep shouting I was a bully; he stood no chance I’d put up with weeks of his flakey wife; his shit if a son; so he got everything including the bill to get the debt of of my car door & a darned good deal more than he ever imagined he’d get when he rang the doorbell; my husband was sat watching tv when I went back in he just said I didn’t come out because I felt sorry for the poor sod 😂😂😂

Hey Op just say sorry I can’t commit to this things change and I would hate to let your dc down. You know how kids are. Don’t help out someone who doesn’t give your dc a second thought yes your hurt and that’s understandable but you really don’t want to be committed to something long term.

Nah. Don't do it. I wouldn't. Stuff her.

I don’t see it as petty: your child didn’t make the cut for a large group party but he’ll do for a hobby - that’s very cheeky and insulting. Of course don’t say anything, just decline. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel that way - they sound like they are using you and I would want to protect my child from that

I don't think you do sound petty. And yes definitely refuse the lifts no sorry I go elsewhere after

No to my mind she can get stuffed.

There's a Mum code and a social etiquette. Since she's too dense to see the consequences of her actions, then she's too dense to be a friend and her child is certainly no friend of yours. Leave her on white ticks and move on.

Curt nod in the car park if you cross paths. I honestly wouldn't even grace the request with a reply.

My son’s birthday falls during a school holiday. We always organise his parties for the month afterwards.

Has she asked? When you say she 'expects', has she just stated it as a done deal?

I'd be inclined to be honest. Start with a "sorry, that won't work for our schedule" or whatever, and if she asks literally anything further "Honestly, X was hurt after being left out of Y's party invitations, I assume the boys have grown apart. I think we should leave things be for now and see if they work things out." or whatever.

It's a massive imposition to expect regular lifts to a club, and I say that as someone who usually needs the lifts! (I have a driving license where I'm from, but no UK one yet) I'd never ask unless it was a proper close friend of mine and/or my DS, and even then I wouldn't ask for regular lifts if we weren't able to reciprocate half the time or something.

If you don't want to explain though, just say no. You are possibly torching the friendships all around, but it doesn't sound like someone you're close to anyway.

You have every right to feel this way. I wouldn’t drive her child either.

Here’s why:

• People can cause us pain, sometimes knowingly and without remorse. You don’t need to enable that by helping them.
• If you drive her child and anything goes wrong, the responsibility falls on you.
• Kids can sometimes say things that lead to misunderstandings between adults, which you want to avoid.

Personally, I’d only give lifts to other children if:

• I know the family well.
• It’s a one-off situation.
• The parent is also in the car.

Oh, sod pussy-footing around and speak up! If she asks you to transport her child, tell her your child was upset not to have been invited to the birthday party so you feel it's best if they don't spend time together outside of school.

Me too I would feel it as an insult that my child was not invited, but to protect your child I think you should let it go, as in not discussing the why's . On the other side, don't let yourself be pushed in the role of taxi-mama for children other than your own. Been there, done that. It's not your duty. They chose this activity? Let them sort out how to get there and back home. No way I would be shuttling their child. You will have extra chores going there so not able to make a detour to pick up their son, and after the training session you can't take other children than your own because you're expected at your mother's.

Just say no. Not your problem to sort out their family logistics.

In your shoes, I'd do a bit of background work first - contact the club organiser and let them know that from a particular date in the future, you won't be able to bring CFker's Child to the practice sessions. You're giving them the heads up ahead of time in case there is any kick back.
Then I'd tell CFker that from that particular date, you won't be able to bring their child with yours to the practice sessions. If they ask why not, just say that it no longer works for you and that they should see if there is an alternative way should they want to continue attending but you're not going to be able to do it.
Job done.

I would just politely respond saying that you don’t want to be committed to giving her son lifts as you often go to football on the way back from somewhere & don’t want to be tied into any arrangements. End of!
The boys don’t need their mums to tag along on their play dates anymore, so I’d just distance yourself from this mum tbh… I’d be pissed off too if out of a friendship group just my DC wasn’t invited… that’s pretty disgraceful really, especially to exclude him and then ask a favour if you!! She is a CF & I wouldn’t do it… the partner will need to get off their arse and take him or he can’t go!

Just say that doesn’t work for you. No need to explain.

Sounds like you and your son feature less on the radar when they are doing fun stuff, but you are well on the radar when you could offer a favour - especially when this favour will be an ongoing thing, nah- I wouldn’t entertain that,
give her any excuse you like, but the message has to be NO !

I don’t think you are petty at all. I would be upset too for my child. its a life lesson though isn’t it - dealing with disappointment and understand people’s motives etc.
i would normally not advocate for this but please don’t ferry her kid around. Since, she can’t teach said kid manners, ie to treat people kindly and fairly, you teach him by sticking up for your kid, he will need to learn he should treat people like crap and then expect favours.

a simple ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for us’ is really all that is required here.

I wouldn't even say no, I'd just totally ignore the message.

This, she should have thought of this and invited your DC to the party.

’No that won’t work for us, see you there though’ .

or just leave it on read

That would come across as massively entitled to criticise the other mum for no party invite, given the OP doesn't 'do' birthday parties for her DS. You can't complain about not being invited when you haven't reciprocated in all these years!

You can’t complain about your DC not being invited to a party when they have never had a party themselves.

If it was an activity with limited numbers then the child’s mum probably wanted to invite the children whose parties he had been to.

I wouldn't give lifts. I'd say you have errands to run and giving a lift is not convenient.