Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

A lot of people do, yes, especially if the boy in question is not a good friend. You'll see many others have said the same on here.

Personally, I always invited all the boys - in the early years - then a smaller group to avoid these issues.

How old are your kid/s?

Your friend shouldn't have enrolled her DC in a hobby with no way of getting them there.
Your'e not included in what the hobby offers, she's a CFer for assuming you were.
You need to put her right and tell her you don't want to be fixed to having to pick up/drop off her DC.

Honestly, not your problem. Why would they sign their child up to an activity they can’t commit to getting them to. Entitled asshat behaviour. If you don’t feel able to say a straight no, then say sorry, I’ll be calling at his auntie’s / grandma’s on the way home / there so can’t take him.

To be fair OP, this mum might have genuinely not invited your child to the birthday party thinking along these lines: "My DC never gets an invite to Jammiesdodger's child's birthday, in all these years throughout primary school he's never once been invited, so I'm not going to invite him to my child's birthday party this year."
It might well be that every other child that was invited has at some point invited her child to their birthday party.
That's how birthday party world works.
It doesn't matter that your child's birthday is on boxing day. She may literally just be thinking "Jammiesdodger never bothers to hold birthday parties for her child, so we're not going to invite him to ours".
She might think it's CF behaviour of you to never host birthday parties for your DC yet expect your DC to be invited to the parties of other children.
You could have been hosting birthday parties or birthday outings in January for your DC.
I never hold birthday parties for my DC on their actual birthdays because we're doing family stuff then. So I hold their parties/outings with friends a week after, sometimes 2 weeks after. Sometimes 1 or 2 weeks before. And I've been doing that for years. But you have chosen not to do this. So I don't think you can be upset that your DC hasn't been invited.
It's a simple exchange process in birthday party world.
'Invite my kid to your kid's birthday and they'll get an invite in return to my kid's birthday. Don't invite my kid to celebrate your kid's birthday with them, and your kid won't get invited to celebrate my kid's birthday."
It's no more complex than that.
That's what's happened here.
Sharing lifts might be a way of getting their friendship a bit closer again.
As for the threat of competitiveness, sport is competitive by nature. Not much you can do about that.

Hi Emma, just to let you know, we can’t take Harry to rugby for the next few weeks. Catch up soon, hope all is well, Kate. X

When its not a 'whole class' party or event, the child's closest friends are invited first , followed by reciprocal invites. It sounds like your child and this one are no longer close friends. With that being the case, it's odd if the mum is expecting you to give her child a lift to the sporting activity. Nothing wrong with saying you are unable to do it,

What!!! How can you be offended at the other boy not inviting your DS when he has year after year never reciprocated! The places will have gone to kids who have invited her DS
In the light of this new revelation I would be looking to build bridges!

You are not being petty. Similar happens to my daughter a dvits heartbreaking. Do no favours at all. Once they are established in secondary they’ll not give these friends a second thought. I know this through experience from my eldest.
why the hell shoukd you help
out. Bad bad manners not inviting your boy! Look after him and you x

You can't never host a party for your child but expect for him to be invited to others

For the non-invitation, I think you are being quite petty. Sorry. Especially since your son has never had a party so also never invited anyone.

However, for the sports club. Incredibly rude of the other parent to just assume you will do all the driving. I am always happy to offer the odd lift to my kids friends if I’m able to do so. But simply having the expectation that I will take a child every single time, I would say no. Don’t sign your kid up to a club if you’re unable to get them there regularly.

Or just ‘I can’t ’ , no sorry needed

Aside from your DS potential competition as that’s to be expected, I’ve learnt (from mainly bitter experience), lifts don’t usually help anyone except the parent who needs the help. It’s a thankless task and often you get the brunt of their child, your child and their parents for anything and everything. I tend to only do the odd one and nothing regular. Grumpy? Yes possibly and happy to help on occasions if we can, but working FT and juggling with DH it’s enough for us. After some unthankful parents I’ve learnt to say no and it’s ok to.

People really only invite kids to their parties when they've been invited to theirs? Even when the other kid hasn't had one themselves?

Well that certainly wasn't my expectation or experience when my kids were in primary, luckily we didn't leave kids out whose parents might not have been able to afford a party for them.

@Jammiesdodger tell her it just doesn't work for you to take her child, sorry about that.

Maybe she can tell you're jealous of her son having a talent so didn't invite your son?

In general in the UK you only get invited to parties of people you've invited to parties. So kids with birthdays later in the school year generally invite more people.

Ah, that explains it a bit more.
That's why, by the end of primary school, you get the same old DC / party parents at all the parties, because if you give parties you get invited to them.
The ones who don't have parties are sadly missed out quite a lot.

Some do. I've encouraged DS so far to just invite anyone he likes, because some little friends haven't had parties. If they continually had no party, didn't invite to play dates, and just generally made no effort... then after another 3.5 years worth of it, I can see how they would drop down / drop off the list. Especially as the numbers get smaller for some party types when they get older.

YABVU and petty. The DC are practically in secondary school, they can choose their own birthday guests. I doubt the mum has anything to do with it.

Oh look, the professionally offended have arrived to derail the thread again 🙄

OP, just say no, or don’t even pick up her messages. Just don’t.

The kids arent super close so the birthday thing is a non issue.

The lifts to activity are seperate and I wouldn't go to any special effort for them as they are not close friends. Would be happy to take turns perhaps but not do all the driving especially when it is assumed rather than asked very nicely.

Not petty at all.

Apart from the party, dont get tied into taking someone else's kids. What if your kid is sick, late, somewhere else to go after.

From about Y6 the children start to take a lead regarding invitations and parties rather than the children.

I think you should be the bigger person @Jammiesdodger and agree to do half the pick ups if the father can do the other half. Huge smile, tinkly laugh.

Just say no.
And if the mum keeps hassling you be honest: your son wasn't good enough for a large birthday party invite, but good enough to get free rides off of when it suits them? Hard no. Maybe next year.

I am afraid OP will look petty if she links the rides to the party, especially as her DS has not been having his own parties

My dd doesn’t always get things right. It’s for me as a mum to guide her and in this situation unless having a party would have upset her, I would have insisted on holding a party for her benefit, social life and social skills.

It’s totally understandable that your ds didn’t get invited when the boys aren’t as close and he’s never reciprocated past parties. As the mum, I’d be pretty miffed at never having had a reciprocal invitation for my dd and by year 6 likely not bother about the friend, who never has parties. My dd is younger in her year and the rule was to invite whoever had invited her plus whoever else she wanted to invite. That would exclude your ds straight away.

Tbh I would not let the non invite sway you and if once you’ve realised the non invite isn’t a slight and you want to engender the friendship, I would agree to help.