Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

The OP has stated several times the kids a He.

OP, don’t get involved with this mother. Speaking from experience, it’ll annoy you and eventually you’ll regret it as she is more than likely to start feeling like she owns you! Don’t do it.

Just say no. It’s not your problem that she doesn’t drive and her husband is hopeless. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t really think of you as a friend and her ds doesn’t think of your ds as a friend either. She’s just using you, bloody cheek really.

Just say “I wouldn’t be able to reliably commit to that. Hope you find a solution”

Why on earth would you say yes to lifts? The children’s friendship has clearly run its course and the cf mother is treating you like the staff!
Just say no!

Why have they chosen an activity the kid
cant get to? That’s their issue not yours.

Just say no, OP. Say it's not convenient. Don't reply immediately to texts so she gets the hint, too. "Sorry, can't make it" is enough. I feel for your son; it's horrible to be left out.

I am ND and would really struggle to prevent myself telling this woman what the fucking problem was:

"Hey X, this would be a bit tricky for me to commit to but I would have tried hard to make it work if DS hadn't been one of the very few who were left out of your DS's birthday. He was gutted, so obviously I wouldn't put him through that now."

At least then she has a chance to learn from her cruelty mistakes.

Unfortunately we're going to have a regular commitment before and after the football which means it will no longer work for us to take X. Hope he had a good birthday.

What kind of a muppet signs their kid up for an activity they can't get to??

Signing their child up to an activity they can’t get them to isn’t your problem.

When she asks just say "No, sorry we can't take / collect William."
Don't get drawn into explanations, just look puzzled "I did already say that we can't do that, sorry." Keep it up every time, there is nothing to argue with unless you offer up that the car is full / you have errands / you need to go somewhere else / etc; so offer nothing.

You could say Sorry I can't commit to that regularly because sometimes we have other things to go to before or after, and also it could be awkward f the boys are not as close as they used to be. I noticed you didn't invite DS to the latest birthday party.

@Jammiesdodger I totally get how hurt you are about the party. My DD's so called 'good friend' (they hung around in a 3) invited 7 other kids and not her. It was nasty.
Really 1) unfriend the mum on the socials and
2) just send a message saying "sorry I can't be the "taxi" taking x to 'the sport', we won't be avaliable.
Leave it at that. If she asks why just say sorry something has come up. We will be making our own way there and back.
She doesn't deserve an explanation just like she didn't invite your DC to the party or give a reason why not.
They are a massive CF if they think you are there for taxi services anyway and not for friendship. They can DO one.

I would absolutely not be doing any favors for this mother, other than maybe the extremely occasional drop off. You clearly aren't very close any more, your child wasn't invited to the party, and you don't really owe her anything. It's clearly convenient for her to ask you to help out with her kid and she has no shame in doing so. I'd make up a firm but polite excuse for why it won't work for you. If she doesn't believe your excuse, I wouldn't even care. Actually -- I wouldn't even give an excuse. Just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to help you with that." If she pushes (which would only confirm that she is selfish and using you), you can then ask why she signed her child up for an activity that she isn't able to get them to. This is her problem, don't let her make it yours. She's already shown you how one-sided this relationship is.

I’d probably feel the same way too. Has your child invited this other boy to his birthdays in the last couple of years?

Regardless of any of the other stuff, she’s unreasonable to expect you to do the driving around just because she doesn’t drive and her husband can’t be arsed.
I’m happy to help out other parents, but I’d refuse from the start if I felt like it was going to be an every week thing, back and forth, rather than either a reciprocal arrangement (I’ll drop off, they pick up), or a rare emergency.

Perfect, except leave out 'reliably'.

Short, polite and firm.

Yes I like this just tell her the truth

I agree with that reply, but I'd add: DS thought he and Boy were friends, so he was gutted to be one of the few in his class that were left out.

Well she'd better learn then hadn't she? There's a school mum at ours like that. Our sons were friends 10+ years ago and now our daughters are in the same class so I've been dealing with her for a long time.

I just got sick of her asking me to give her children lifts "because I can't drive". I don't expect transactional favours in return but she barely speaks to me unless it's to ask a favour. Like your CF, she has a husband (who drives) but he thinks kid stuff is beneath him. I started saying no and she kept asking so now I ignore her messages. I think the final nail in the coffin was that is always had the impression maybe she couldn't afford lessons. But then the moment her son was 17 he got lessons, passed and parents bought him a car.

Sorry, I've massively digressed. If you don't want to give lifts just say no.

Ooh no, don't mention the party. Your son will be embarrassed to have that thrown at him at school next week. Just be unavailable and let the kids sort out their own friendships.

This ⬆️.
Why do people on here always suggest lying? Don't lie. Be direct.

This is perfect!!

Just send a message similar to this. I wouldn't be committing to lifts anyway as it's so restricting if anything else cropped up.

No sorry can't do lifts.
Now they're older Jimmy and Billy aren't such close friends anymore and to be honest we both quite enjoy chatting and doing our own thing.

So OP a few things to unpack here.

Yeah it sucks your kid wasn’t invited and I get you don’t want to see him disappointed but these things happen and are good lessons in building resilience and understanding who his true friends are. This isn’t about you and kindly your language is quite strong about it.

So about the kid taking an activity that they can’t get to. Frankly it’s on the parents and they shouldn’t have signed him up if they couldn’t get him there. A simple no sorry I can’t take x is fine. If she responds with asking you why or saying she can’t get her son there otherwise please don’t be petty and put your feelings about the party into this conversation. A simple unfortunately it just doesn’t work for us and hope you sort something else is fine. Cut this off now before you are also asked about taking to games etc.

The part about the kid competing and playing the same sport and competing for game time against your son has nothing to do with this issue. There is always a better kid and at grassroots at his age it’s generally even minutes. When it gets more competitive then it’s selective.

Honestly it isn’t MN vipers and that’s slightly antagonistic. You are oevrreact8ng and that’s fine but do what’s best for you, don’t engage in a difficult conversation and don’t get petty.

As others have sad Senior school is a whole other thing.