Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

She shouldn’t be signing her kid up for activities if she cant actually get him there in the first place!

OP don’t even do it the one time . Just say you don’t want the responsibility !

its not petty. I’d find it quite humiliating as your child if you suddenly expected me to share the back seat of the car with the kid who invited everyone to the party but not me. Your kids 11, not 3. That shit would sting. Just a firm no should cut it

@Jammiesdodger

I would take out the birthday party issue and focus on the expectation that you will take her kid.

So she enrolled him with no plan to get him there herself and simply assumed that you would take him, is that right?

Well that is CF territory right there. So you say "Oh sorry, I cant do lifts, we often do stuff before and after the club so it wont be possible". Its her problem that she has a lazy useless husband, NOT YOURS.

Just don’t respond to her request- grey rock- don’t get sucked into something that may persist beyond the tenuous link of primary school. And forget the birthday politics, hard though it is to imagine your kids hurt feelings. This is such a transitional phase of their school lives, they won’t remember in 10 years time.

Two separate issues here. One is the party and understandably you are upset on sons behalf but that will pass and be forgotten. The other issue is whether you want to be tied to and obligated to the responsibility of being a taxi service for another child which is ongoing. Especially as they are just part of the same group now not close Friends.

I'm sorry, but that's not a reason to not have a party. Most kids don't on the actual day! First weekend back at school?! Or even celebrate the halfway point or something instead! Every kid should experience a birthday party.

If it’s upset you so much why don’t you speak to her about it. Find out why your child was left out. It might lower your stress levels.

Not petty at all. The CFery of some school mothers can be breathtaking. When DD was about 8, we quite frequently had her friend over while her mother was at work. (We lived near the school). DD thought they were BFF, as the "mean girls" of the class gave her a hard time, not only because she was shy, but also by far the prettiest girl in the class...the perfect target for bullies. The friend's birthday was coming up, no, she wasn't having a party, just family, but DD wanted to drop her off a little gift. Guess what was happening at friend's house? Yep, the mean girls were out in force. The mother was very flustered, saying she was welcome to stay. No chance. Dropped the gift and walked out, heads high. Funny, mother never again asked for favours.

You tell her this…
Her… Since you go to Xxxx could we ask if you would give Jimmy a lift there.
You… Oh how nice Jimmy is joining the same club as my child, unfortunately we don’t do lifts… see you soon.
2nd attempt.
Her … but you go anyway could you not just take Jimmy?
You … as I said we don’t do lifts. Hope you can organise something. See you soon.
3rd … your being very selfish you go anyway.
You … as I said we don’t do lifts.. smile, nod at someone else and walk away…

Also if the child isn’t a friend it isn’t down time. My DC likes to chill and not have to socialise. For me also car time is my time for 1:1 chats and a good catch up. Back home we have lots to do.

Just say it doesn’t work for you, no need to explain.

CF and entititlement at its best. As my DC got older, birthday events were limited to best/ close friends but before that open to whole class with no exclusions.

I'm guessing it's because she has never invited her son to a party either and as she says in her post the kids are not that close either. It's actually natural not to get an invite in these circumstances.

OP has also repeatedly ignored questions on whether the other mum has asked her for lifts out right.

It's massively entitled to expect weekly lifts to and from an activity from the mother of a child you excluded from what sounds like a large gathering of peers 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just don't see the point in pretending something hasn't pissed you off/upset you when it has.

Well not becoming an objected of gossip has some big advantages.

Don’t focus on the party thing. It sucks but it happens for to most children/ their parents (in terms of seeing the photo) at some time or other. And it is rubbish for the kids to feel left out, but you can only listen to their feelings and then be positive yourself.

Re the lifts, just say no! “That doesn’t work for me” is a reason in itself. They’re end of yr 6 anyway so it doesn’t really matter if she doesn’t like it - they start to do their own thing in secondary and you don’t need to worry about mum networks etc

Edit - I don’t think you can criticise anyone re parties if you have never (or rarely) invited their kid to one. Even if you don’t “do” parties, the other parents are spending year on year to have these celebrations. You’re saving that money but it can come at a cost.

PS The OP’s DC has not been having birthday parties for reasons that some mums would certainly find a bit odd, and reason to exclude him especially if numbers are limited.

You can be sure this will figure into the gossip.

I am sympathetic to the OP on this count, as she is from another country and may not have understood British customs. But if the gossip gets going I don’t think it will die down until her DS has had a few great parties. That will take a while

Not your problem. She could learn to drive herself.

Your DS has probably not been invited because you don't have parties for him and therefore you don't invite any of his friends.

Two things here. I wouldn't be offended by the party thing, maybe they had a budget and told their son he could only have X amount of friends and chose those closest to him? You have to draw the line somewhere, yes it's hard to see your child sad but give it a few weeks and he won't be bothered. Plus side is parties tend to drop off at secondary school.

Next the club thing, if you don't want to do it just say that you don't want to commit to running someone around, especially as you're working full time. Does your child want to share lifts? Would it take some of the pressure off of you? If he did you could say something like 'sharing lifts would work brilliantly, do you want to drop them off and I will pick them up? Or visa versa and see what she says?
If not then You just tell her giving lifts doesn't work for you no reason needed.

Agree

it’s a bit Shit having a birthday at/around Xmas as often get joint pressies or people forgot

I do find it really weird that your son has never had a school friend party 😢 and I would def arrange one 2/3 week of Jan

Just say "Sorry I won't be able to give them a lift. Hope you are able to sort something out."
Don't give any excuses as to why, otherwise you will end up having to justify these and finding more each time.
If you don't say no, you could be ferrying this kid about for years!

Agree dont get into lifts as once you start it. Hate cf too plenty them. Me and a mam car pool but we keep it fair. I remember when girls young I didnt want bring another and I said no. The mam said sure you going anyway. Just really cheeky attitude!!