Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

I think it is really tacky when parents post their child's party on social media. Firstly, you shouldn't post other children without permission and secondly it definitely rubs the lack of invite in people's faces. It's not necessary.

Without knowing the group dynamics you can't really know why your DS wasn't invited, it is not really the mum who chooses which kids attend at that age. I would try and let this go. There are likely to be times when your DS (the same for all teens) will occasionally be disappointed by lack of invites when they get on social media. It is good to learn you don't always get invited to everything and not dwell on it.

I do think that the mum is a bit cheeky to ask you to drive their kid. I would ask my DS if he wants to carpool with this friend. If he would enjoy it then I would do it if it wasn't really going out my way. If he is not bothered, make excuses.

@Jammiesdodger Don't mention the party. It could result in your child getting bullied.

Just say 'Sorry I can't'

If she starts asking why not or complaining that you're already taking your son, just ask why her husband isn't doing it and start picking apart her excuses.

Say NOOO! After all you often run errands/see relatives etc on most of these trips so can’t possibly give lifts to this CF’s child.

“Sorry we are unable to commit to lifts unfortunately”.

That would be an easy no for me.

If this child was your sons friend he would have had the party invites.

I wouldn’t be giving lifts to kids my child wasn’t friends with ( especially in this situation). That just makes them feel awkward and makes you a bit of of a mug tbh.
Ive been there. Walked all over by other parents and learnt not to be the mug any more.

The kids dad can do it as his mum can’t drive.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, it’s not your problem

Not your problem that she doesn’t drive. Tell her to piss off!

It’s not your job to facilitate her child’s hobbies. If she wants her to child to do the sport, then she has to find a way if getting her child there.

Just say it’s not convenient for you.

I’d be brutally honest with her I think. I’d say something like.. ‘it’s brilliant xx is doing so well with ‘hobby’. But my kid heard about xx’s party that they weren’t invited to and was hurt not to be included. I’m sure you understand if we keep our distance at this point, and won’t be helping out with lifts for now.’

I couldn’t be bothered to make up a reason not to help and I wouldn’t want to help her.

Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that.

Well, there is an answer-you can't just invite yourselves to other people's parties! I suspect the fact you have never had a party has something to do with the lack of invite. How often do you invite this child round to your house for play dates?

This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions.

How has this 'expectation' happened? If you work full time, how do you see her? What has she actually said to you? People can expect all sorts of things, but you have free will-you can say no!

Well, she's fucked up hasn't she. She should have been buttering you up well in advance before asking for a regular lift for her child.

Not your problem she hasn't done the groundwork in advance

Just say no to the Mum when she asks for lifts. Say that you’re going somewhere else before or after the activity and you can’t take her son with you.
If she can’t drive and her DH is useless then it’s on them, not on you. I refuse to help anyone out when there is another adult in the house who is perfectly capable of helping but won’t.

Just text her saying ‘unfortunately I am not available to take ‘child’ to ‘sport’ for the foreseeable future, hope you sort something out‘

don’t apologies, and don’t feel bad! Show your son how to have a backbone and not be a mug!

Do not give her son a lift. The fact she expects it makes her a CF!

Say no. If you do it once, you’ll have to keep doing it.Tell her that you and DS have a routine of doing something together before or after the sport so you won’t be able to take her sim.

Just “sorry I’m not able to offer a lift”. No explanation needed.

Yes, probably true. But it would really grate in her position to watch her son be ignored until he could do something for them essentially.

That’s not your problem and you’re not the solution to it. ‘It doesn’t work for me’ should suffice.

“Sorry, that doesn’t work for me”. It doesn’t sound like she’d return the favour.

So @Jammiesdodger you’ve seen the vast majority here are with you on this

What are you going to do ?

The party issue is a separate thing really. I would not want to commit to any other favours as i am busy and she's not offering anything in return. End of.

Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that.

I have to say OP when I read that it, squeezed my heart more than a little bit.🥺

Like the other MN's have said, tell her it wouldn't work for you, she is a CF!

My child is also year 6 and I distanced myself from the parents a few years ago. I don’t have social media and came off the wattsapp and to be honest i don’t miss a single one of them. I let my DD have her friends and if she wants to go anywhere like a party I drop her off then go back.

I know my child will make many new friends and again I will keep a friendly distance from the parents. I’d had my fill of it by year 3

I so agree with you here !

It’s gets so ridiculous. It was just getting silly and I thought nope im in my 40s to hell with this.

"This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions."

I think your feeling is extremely valid. Don't be available for this. If she asks, be honest and direct: "Sorry, I can't do this, I'm afraid. We have arrangements directly before and afterwards."