Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

Ferrying other people's children is a thankless job and I certainly wouldn't entertain it unless they are very close friends, it suited me and I liked the parents.
Other than that no.

Certainly not in these circumstances.
Do not start something that could continue for years.

Very very unusual not to have ever done him some sort of party.
I don't mean to be harsh, but that really is very poor and hard on him.

If money is an issue a small tea party at home is surely possible.
No wonder he is sad. That is hard to stand over.

Birthday parties are usually not done on the day; you could do one two weeks earlier or two weeks later. That's sad for your kid, and not surprising that he's not getting invites when he's never reciprocated.

Doesn't mean you need to offer lifts, but you should have been up-front with your son that he isn't being invited to parties because he didn't invite any kids to his party. I've no idea how you justify to him why you didn't celebrate his birthday, depends how you excuse it to yourself I guess.

Just mute her. Don't offer. Don’t reply. Don’t respond to requests. Don’t make arrangements. Just drop the reins. I just wouldn’t be bothered with this. It’s not your job.

Agreed..
Sorry Emma I know it probably wasn't your decision but Harry was really hurt he was left out of the party.I don't think it's up to me to do lifts if they aren't friends,

Or just the second bit.

if she wants her kid to.dictate the friendship so be it.

' it's time alone with my child, and we really need it to chat and spend time together in the car. It's our thing and I don't want it to change'

I would not do it in a month of Sundays. She is a taker and a user. If she had any sense at all, she'd have buttered you up with invitations before asking. What a moron.

"Sorry, I'd love to help, but I can't, I have other comitments" and leave it at that.
I have seen this kind of mum before. You have to stop them in their tracks or they will run all over you.

And I'm sorry your kid wasn't invited to the big party. There will be other parties and other friends.

How do you know you are expected to ferry this boy to the sport?

Well yes you do sound a bit petty being put out over the party, the child is allowed to invite who he wants, just as your child is free to do the same. But you're under no obligation to provide lifts for her child, you can just say no.

Definitely tell her No, cheeky cow

I would stay well away from any mention of hurt feelings, especially now that you’ve said DS does not have birthday parties.

I feel sure that any mention of hurt will be twisted to make him or you sound like a CF: ‘Can you believe it?!? Oliver has never even had a birthday party but he and his mum are hurt that Cuthbert didn’t invite him this year, for the first time!’

Any allusion to the party or the cooled friendship must be very subtle

Gosh just read the Boxing Day excuse. That's weird. No wonder he gets the cut on others birthdays

You still don't have to do the lift but don't mention the party. You're the CF on that front.

There will be SO much more of this to navigate as your child gets older so you are going to have the chill on the birthdays thing. The lift she is being a CF so just say no and keep saying no.

Your DC is about to create a whole new friendship group for himself from September, regardless of what happened with the party, I wouldn’t get myself stuck in the position of being responsible to get another child to and from a weekly activity for the foreseeable.

You have no idea what their friendship (or lack of) will look like in a few months. Just say no.

I would say "Sorry can't take your child to (sports place) as I go there after (name of not invited party venue) my child loves to go to (not invited party venue) and has not had much opportunity to go there so I do like to take him/her myself." Sign off with sweet smiley face. Petty but I feel sorry for left out kids.

We're doing my son's bday party for friends 2 weeks before his bday simply because they will all be off on summer holiday during his bday. It's really important to him and he doesn't care about the date: It's his party and his friends are invited to have fun. You could have his party before or after the christmas holidays. Some tend to only invite those who invite and it's quite unusual to not have a party for friends (whether it's at home/outside).

For CF mum do not even go into excuses just say No. I don't have a car and I get mine everywhere by taking the bus/walking. Would never rely on others to drive me. Some do propose it and I only say yes if there is no extra driving involved for them.

"This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions."
That sounds as if she has already asked you?

Just say no. I'd probably say something along the lines of you detour past the supermarket or grandparents before/after the sessions so you don't want to have anyone else other than your child in the car, or you don't want the responsibility of someone else's child, or just no that doesn't work for me.

We moved in the UK 8 years ago for my DH job
We visit our home home town every Christmas to see the whole family. We do a birthday activity such as bowling or soft play with his many cousins. That's what he has always asked for. Had he have wanted something after Christmas I would have sorted it

Okay, OP. Maybe he hadn’t been very aware of how things work in the UK. Now that you are, it’s time for birthday parties if you want him to have a normal social life.

He hasn't has a party since he was 4.

then you can't complain he's not invited? YABU and entitled on that one.
People try to at least reciprocate as best as they can, it's polite and normal to invite other kids before yours.

Don't have a party if you don't want one, but dates are a poor excuse, no one has the party on their actual birthday?

This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions.
that's rude too, just decline when she actually ASKS you.

Very ridiculous and petty to try to keep a child away because he shows promises and might be better than your child 😂

Indeed, this has nothing to do with the mum’s request. I wouldn’t be making a rod for my own back over that unless the boys were still much closer than they are and I chose to freely.

Just seen your child hasn’t had any parties. You can’t complain in that case - my child has had a few parties we tend to just invite the kids whose parties he’s been too or is really close friends with.

Just say No OP. The party thing is irrelevant. She is a CF assuming you’ll do it.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It can be hard when children aren't invited to parties. But, as you mentioned you haven't invited this boy-or anyone else-to a party before (since your son was 4 years old even!).

As others have said, invitations are often reciprocated, unless the children are very close friends, which it seems may not be the case anymore.

It's a bit surprising that the other mum signed her son up for an activity without being able to get him there or back. Personally, I've often given lifts to and from activities, not always expecting a lift in return. I do it if it helps the child, especially if they live nearby.

I try to remember that any issues I have are with the parent, not the child, so I don't want the child to miss out because of that. But I'd not want to be tied down to doing it ALL the time, so just be clear about what you're prepared to do, even if that means a 'no' to all lifts.

Also, it's important to keep an eye on our own feelings when our kids are left out. In my experience (and I know this can vary), boys often don't worry as much about not being invited-at least, my three sons haven't felt left out in these situations.

Was it your son who was upset, or did you feel upset on his behalf? There is abig difference. If we make a big deal out of it, we might unintentionally teach our kids to feel left out or worry about missing out.

Best of luck with it all.

I'd say no. It's too tying.

Regarding parties maybe have a belated Christmas/birthday one this year in between Christmas and ny?