Don't want to do any favours for school mom

[Jammiesdodger]

Our mutual kids are in year 6, going off to secondary school in September. They are still pretty friendly as.part of a larger group but definitely not as friendly as they once was. Unfortunately I'm social media friends with some parents and seen that this one child recently had a day out for its birthday with several friends.from school. I was abit annoyed as there were quite afew of them so it was noticeable my child wasnt there. Last year the same kid had 3 friends do a particular activity for his birthday so I couldn't get annoyed about that as it was a smaller group but this year I did think wow how come my kid was left out. I admit it hurt. I used to spend time with this mother back in the day but I've changed jobs and gone full time so I'm not as available as I used to be. I guess there's alot of changes new school mom's.coming on the scene and I somewhat feel out of the loop a little bit. Anyways cut a long story short her kid is dipping its toes in the water of the sport my kid has been doing for afew years. This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions. I feel like telling her to piss off. And her kid is showing promise so is likely to compete with my child for game time. I am really aware this all sounds so petty. But I feel so sad for my should when they found out nearly everyone in his peer group was invited to the party and not them. Felt like a kick in the teeth and when I suggested it cost alot of money for the party event my kid said they wouldn't have minded paying for it themselves. I had no answer to that. Just feel so low and upset for my child. And not in the mood for giving favours. I know mumsnet vipers will tell me to grow up but hate seeing my kid hurting

Don't mention the party, whatever you do!!

Just keep reiterating that it doesn't work for you. You don't need to offer excuses, reasons, explanations or anything other than a clear statement.

Party issue aside, making a commitment like this invariably leads to problems. Don't make a rod for your own back and just say no.

come on OP she’s being a CF! 1) Why would she join up her DS into a hobby, her, or the dad, can’t take him to. Did she presume you would do it, without asking you, before joining up? 2) her DS obviously doesn’t class your son as a close friend, and neither does she class you as a close friend. 3) if you don’t want to do it, how come have you ended taking him in the first place?! It should have been a firm, but polite no at the start. Is she quite a persuasive person?

Don’t commit yourself to this or you end up with it all the time. Make sure self unavailable some weeks, be flakey. She has shown her intentions to you with the party , you don’t owe her x

The non-driver mum should not be committing to a sport thinking you will do the driving.

I was in this situation and I invented a unwell person I was going to meet with after sport each week do could not drive her child home, the sport was long drive both directions and her house increased my driving time as she was opposite direction.
And her child was not nice to mine, was competition, unless she needing to be driven around them she harassed my child all day “my mum wants to know why/if/when your mum is driving”. Same as you I had been friends s this mum reception, year 1. Ages ago and we drifted apart. Now she, nor husband want to drive. He’s too tired, she doesn’t like to drive his van. Never mind that I’m tired, and don’t like driving …..

I invented an old friend, recovering from illness/operation. I’m stopping in few nights to help at evenings. It’s not appropriate to bring others. My child was ok with the lie, because other child was not nice.

That other family no boundaries, and shameless.

So tell her. Tell her you feel used for lifts given that your dc didn't even get invited to the party.
Personally, is be guided by your dc. If he likes they lift sharing us carry on . If he doesn't then stop, and say the real reason.

Say no and tell her why, maybe not in a brash way but along the lines that you don't want to force a friendship when one child has no longer want it (her child)

The least you can do for your child in this life is not to betray her by inadvertently (lifts to activity) promoting her competition. If competition is fair, fair enough, but to ferry a competitor to your child to practice? Tell her to sod off.

Of course it's hurtful for you and your child. She's clearly just using you. I'd message back saying, " Im sorry, I can't ". I wouldn't bother with excuses.

Why is that your problem? How was she planning to get him there?
She’s very entitled isn’t she 😡wow ! So rude !

My child's birthday is boxing day, so we are always away visiting family dur8ng this time. He hasn't has a party since he was 4.

Why did you start taking the other child? And how long have you been doing it?

So you’ve never invited him (or other children) to a party but expect your child to be invited? Why not have a party in January and celebrate with his friends? If you have never invited my child to a party but you expect me to invite yours every time, I’d find this unreasonable. Regardless of how many kids attend.

to not call you to a party but then expect a lift is inappropriate

just say sorry we normally come from xyz or go to xyz after so it’s a different route and won’t be able to.

I think it changes things that you've never had a school party for your child. People often invite children whose party they have been at.

Hasn't your child ever wanted a party? You could have done it before or after Christmas.

Obviously, regardless of parties, you are not responsible for getting someone else's child to their hobby.

Just say “No I can’t, sorry” and leave it at that. No need to get into specifics because you can be sure it would be blown up out of proportion and you’d be a topic of unpleasant gossip. Just a short “no, sorry” and change the subject or walk away. If she has the nerve to ask why, just rinse and repeat. You owe her NO explanation at all. Keep it cool and civilised, let her think what she likes, but don’t directly give her ammunition against you.

I’d just reply “no sorry, your husband will have to take him. We do xxx after club so can’t do pick up/drop offs.”

Just say no to the lift thing, but I'm a bit shocked your child never has a birthday party! It doesn't have to be on the day itself, how about a week later in early Jan? DH has a Christmas birthday and always does something (as a child and adult).

This mom now expects us to ferry her kid to the sessions

Say no-don't agree and then moan about it.

The party thing is tricky but if you don't invite others to parties, then I can see why your child isn't invited back. If your child lies these friends-do a summer party for them as you're always busy in their actual birthday.

It's fine to say no.
It's fine to say "but DC & xxx aren't really particularly close friends are they?"
But don't breathe a word about "feeling hurt"

You've never had a birthday party for your kid his entire primary school life? That's shit OP. I have a Christmas birthday as does my brother and always had parties growing up.

This.
Any argument back from her simply do not reply. Discussion over.
CF.

As a side note I know of several Christmas babies who always had a summer birthday party as a result.

I 100% think this is a perfect time to do something special for your boy.

Poor kids hasn't had a birthday party for years, why?! Even if it's boxing day you have it the week after or something.

Don't agree to lifts though.

I agree

Yes, OP, I think you need to find a way for your DS to have birthday parties. Not excusing the other mum but I can see how she could use this as an excuse.

And she won’t be the only one, particularly as he gets older.

Plus I am sure DS will be noticing and not feeling great about it.