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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
Utterknowitall · 17/05/2025 16:38

I'm sorry but I don't think he wants to ttc. I would put plans on hold and keep n eye on him and think seriously about whether you want to ttc with him. Or if you just want to ttc. I'm sorry.

Unsure4589 · 17/05/2025 16:39

Crikey, there are some nutters on here!

Some more reasonable folk have already said it. Everything depends upon whether this exemplifies the man he is, or whether it's uncharacteristic and he's shown that he's sorry. All humans make mistakes, and what you've described, while very unimpressive, is an example of a very human mistake. For me, it wouldn't necessarily be a transgression that eclipsed all the many reasons you chose to agree to marry and reproduce with him in the first place. But, you can't unsee something like that, and I'd probably struggle to find him attractive for a while!

TTC is a powder keg of emotions for men as well as women. It might be that he's feeling the pressure, and it resulted in some, well, less than civilised behaviour. Maybe it's an opportunity to talk through what caused him to let things get a bit out of control, and about his feelings re. ttc in general. It might also explain the blase response, if he felt he 'needed' to let off steam somehow. Not an excuse, but once you feel calmer, it's definitely one I'd want to discuss in more depth.

Good luck with that, and with TTC!

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 16:47

How can you not accept his apology? Have you never got drunk and thrown up somewhere? If this happens a lot then I’d be getting fed up but you say this isn’t like him. I think you need to remember he is human.

Skippydoodle · 17/05/2025 16:52

So sorry, but get a better person to be the father of your children. Unless my partner was seriously ill/medical condition - shitting themselves would be an immediate ending for me.

Skippydoodle · 17/05/2025 16:53

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 16:47

How can you not accept his apology? Have you never got drunk and thrown up somewhere? If this happens a lot then I’d be getting fed up but you say this isn’t like him. I think you need to remember he is human.

Most people have been there and done that - but come on, he shit the bed! That would give me the eternal ick.

jacks11 · 17/05/2025 17:14

Would I be furious? Yes, absolutely- it’s awful behaviour. I think, however, as this is something that he has never done before and if offered a sincere apology it is something I could move on from in the context of an otherwise good relationship. Obviously, if there were other problems with the relationship or concerns about his behaviour, then I might well feel differently. I would put TTC on hold until you’ve worked through it though.

But it does not matter whether I could forgive this- only you can say whether he has crossed a line that you can’t tolerate/forgive.

I think you need to talk to him about it before you can decide what to do. We all make mistakes that we regret- admittedly this is a fairly monumental one- but as this is out of character for him I would be wondering if there is something going on for him. Is he worried about TTC, is he stressed about work or finances or something
else? Maybe not, maybe he just made a significant error of judgment, but I think it is important to understand if there are any mitigating circumstances or other information related to what he did which might explain why he has done this now. Even if there is, you may still decide you can’t move past this incident, but at least you’d do so in possession of all the facts.

JJMama · 17/05/2025 18:24

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2025 08:32

That sounds really gross
I hope he's cleaning it all up himself today, and you're not going to have a kid with someone who can't control his own bodily functions

This. You’ve already got a child.

BIossomtoes · 17/05/2025 18:27

I think I might resume contraception at this point.

GoodCharl · 17/05/2025 18:38

how have things gone today op? I hope you come back and give us an update x

Taytayslayslay · 17/05/2025 19:11

Somerford · 17/05/2025 08:36

I would not entertain the idea of having children with this man for another second.

Agree, it never gets better.

Shade17 · 17/05/2025 19:35

Shit happens!

PeloMom · 17/05/2025 19:50

I don’t know how you get over this. If it were me, every time I see him naked will remember him shitting the bed. Don’t know how you can unsee this

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 21:44

Skippydoodle · 17/05/2025 16:53

Most people have been there and done that - but come on, he shit the bed! That would give me the eternal ick.

He didn’t actually shit the bed. He farted and ….. It’s not like he intended to .Yeah I’d have the ick but it depends what he’s normally like. Some very righteous posters.

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/05/2025 21:48

There is still a huge difference between a health condition and sickness and drunken shitting the bed while trying to get his wife to have sex with him. Frankly pushing out the fart that led to the shart would have been bad enough for me.

Of course plenty of people have puked and possibly when actually genuinely ill shit the bed. He drove to a pub, got too drunk to drive home, threw up over him self. Tried to get sex when he realised what day it was, pushed out a fart and sharted the bed.

This is not a drunken prince, or a person with a medical condition. This is a mess.

Feetinthegrass · 17/05/2025 22:07

I am stunned by the number of people that could bring themselves to be intimate with a man that shits in the bed!!!! How much lower does the bar need to drop? He puked all over himself, farted audibly and then squelched faeces all over the bed. It’s obscene. Beyond obscene. Stomachs made of steel if you could bring yourself to be anywhere near such a specimen.

Feetinthegrass · 17/05/2025 22:11

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 21:44

He didn’t actually shit the bed. He farted and ….. It’s not like he intended to .Yeah I’d have the ick but it depends what he’s normally like. Some very righteous posters.

Righteous!!! 😂😂😂

Of course because everyone should be supremely comfortable with their bed being covered in human excrement.

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 23:02

Bloody hell. I hope you’re all so perfect !
He agreed to sex because she wanted it. Not because she desired him but because she had a timetable. That would drive anyone to drink!

greengreyblue · 17/05/2025 23:03

I actually think this is a joke post.

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/05/2025 23:42

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

Sorry but I would NOT be having kids with someone who can't handle his drink, spews all over himself and shits the bed!

Just NO....

ilovemyhamster · 18/05/2025 08:15

Everyone messes up at one point or another. That wouldn't be the deal breaker for me. The deal breaker would be his attitude to it. If he is beyond mortified and ashamed and makes that clear, ok. If he is a bit meh about it all, then I'd be seriously considering he was a good life partner tbh. Attitude is everything

SamDeanCas · 18/05/2025 09:23

ilovemyhamster · 18/05/2025 08:15

Everyone messes up at one point or another. That wouldn't be the deal breaker for me. The deal breaker would be his attitude to it. If he is beyond mortified and ashamed and makes that clear, ok. If he is a bit meh about it all, then I'd be seriously considering he was a good life partner tbh. Attitude is everything

I agree with this…. I’ve been pissed before and thrown up (ok I’ve not shit myself). Everyone at some point messes up. But it’s the attitude afterwards. If he’s embarrassed and wants to clean it all up and is remorseful it wouldn’t be relationship ending.

my 76 year old Dad got so pissed at Christmas he fell in the bush outside our house and had to be carried home and put to bed. I’ve never seen him that pissed before but we’re all allowed to be an idiot sometimes

FluffyBenji23 · 18/05/2025 16:22

I was with my ex husband for twenty five years and he was only ever uncontrollably sick once. He contracted awful food poisoning and called for me to collect him from the train as I'm sure no taxi would have taken him. He vomited all over the car but was absolutely mortified and so apologetic. He shampooed all the seats and thoroughly cleaned it when he recovered.

greengreyblue · 18/05/2025 18:07

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/05/2025 23:42

Sorry but I would NOT be having kids with someone who can't handle his drink, spews all over himself and shits the bed!

Just NO....

Such a manly thing to en able to ‘ handle your drink’ when in reality most people I know have had the odd occasion when a taxi ride or one too many whatever has tipped you over the edge. It’s hardly a LTB situation if he is truly sorry and makes amends.

BeFancyDuck · 19/05/2025 11:16

The question you really need to be asking yourself is……

Are you wanting to be with a person that goes out for a social drink, then gets blind drunk to the point where you then have to go collect him.

You’re hoping to have a child with this man would he be calling you to come collect a drunken mess if you had a baby already.

You should be able to go for a social drink without being blind drunk where you are no longer on control of your body function.

I think you should have a serious think about the situation and remember that if you bring a baby into the world a lot of maturing needs to happen first.

ellyeth · 26/05/2025 21:36

Infantile and gross behaviour. And then he expects you go come over all romantic! You will have two babies on your hands.