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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
andthat · 17/05/2025 12:49

Totally missing the point… why are you trying to conceive when you are not married?

Get some legal protections in place before you bring a child into your relationship.

You only have to be on here for five minutes to see how many women get left in a mess…

Sunnygin · 17/05/2025 12:51

lostinthesunshine · 17/05/2025 08:33

Surely you don’t want to have a child with this person.

THIS 🤮

Mrsbloggz · 17/05/2025 12:54

@SarahStam
If you're still reading I hope you heed the warnings.
What you have described sounds like end stages to me, imagine how much worse it'll get when he has you completely over a barrel because you have a baby with him.

L0bstersLass · 17/05/2025 12:54

@SarahStam It's your relationship and therefore your lines.
Do you think one's been crossed?

If you don't think a line has been crossed, just how bad would it have to get?
If you do think a line has been crossed, what are you planning to do about it?

Personally, I think he's trying to tell you something.
He's said it very clearly. Both last night and with the inadequate apology.
You should listen hard to what he's telling you.

Jenna2212 · 17/05/2025 12:57

How will you clean the bed? Will the liquidized faeces have soaked in to the mattress? It might be a challenge for the old Febreeze to deal with.

AlpacaMittens · 17/05/2025 13:01

Really sorry to say this but I'm absolutely gobsmacked that it's almost completely normal and socially acceptable that people end up in this state just because it's Friday. It's pathetic. I'm really sorry to say this.

LilDeVille · 17/05/2025 13:03

AlpacaMittens · 17/05/2025 13:01

Really sorry to say this but I'm absolutely gobsmacked that it's almost completely normal and socially acceptable that people end up in this state just because it's Friday. It's pathetic. I'm really sorry to say this.

Why are you sorry to say that? You have standards. And obviously that state is not acceptable, just read this thread, everyone is outraged.

MasterBeth · 17/05/2025 13:05

Catssitonhats · 17/05/2025 12:18

Tbf, the drunk behaviour I could get past. If he doesn't have form, and it was a one off then I'd let it go, embarrassing and gross as it is.

What would be worse for me is the fact he committed to be back by a certain time and drove so he wouldn't drink too much, then did the opposite. He's not followed through on what he said, which for me would be a trust and reliability issue, especially if children are planned. You need to be able to rely on him. If you were heavily pregnant and asked him not to drink so he could drive in an emergency to hospital, could you rely on him? When your baby has kept you up all night and you're exhausted and ask him not to be out long, can you trust him to be back and support you?

That being said, my DH did similar recently (we have 2 little kids) and did grovel, apologise, make it up to me in other ways (ie he took care of the kids and did a load of housework I'd planned to do the following day so I could have a break) and has said it won't happen again.

Anyone can make a mistake (even if it's grim) but it's how they respond afterwards that I'd be concerned about. Has he acknowledged how awful he's been, cleaned up after himself l, apologised profusely, offered to make it up to you etc?

If not, I would be seriously considering the relationship. When you have children you don't want another child to look after!

He's not followed through on what he said...

He has followed through, which is the problem.

MummyJ36 · 17/05/2025 13:18

This made me feel physically sick.

mixedcereal · 17/05/2025 13:26

Would depend if this was a one ☝️ ff for me. He’s right, everyone has bad days and misjudges their actions - he f this was a pattern of behaviour then I’d be having serious conversation with him - otherwise I’d be annoyed, let him stew and then move on.
I think it’s probably also a bigger deal because you are TTC, I was the same in that I got very worked up about the day to days, I knew the timing of when we had to do it but my husband didn’t have that depth of knowledge so it was less of a bigger deal to him.
the vomit ting etc is really awful - again this would be down to whether it was a pattern, if getting that drunk was normal to the point he vomits then I’d be pissed off. My husband could drink to oblivion and wouldn’t be sick. Hope it hasn’t completely ruined your weekend

WimbyAce · 17/05/2025 13:32

This is grim. My OH was never a big drinker but I told him from the get go I don't tolerate drinking to the point of puking etc. It's such a huge turn off plus there's no way I could cope with cleaning it up.
I think you need to be clear it can never happen again.
The only thing I can say in his defence is maybe the ttc is getting a bit too much and pressured and he had a blow out. But he does need to be apologetic about his behaviour.

Vplop · 17/05/2025 13:34

Holy shit that is so disgusting I can’t even believe it. You want to have sex with this man? Have his children? Oh god that’s so gross 🤢

What an utterly pathetic and abhorrent human being. There are better men out there than this.

MammaTo · 17/05/2025 13:40

The vomiting is one thing, I’ve done it myself sadly. But shitting on the bed is fucking vile, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I think he needs to have a think about how much drink he can handle, does he go out regularly.

localnotail · 17/05/2025 13:46

Do not let this fucker breed. Spare future generations of women, no one needs this kind of filth in their lives.

SnoopyPajamas · 17/05/2025 13:52

This would be a relationship-ending case of the ick for me. I couldn't have a child with a man who acted like this.

pikkumyy77 · 17/05/2025 13:53

blubbyblub · 17/05/2025 08:32

Do adult men actually behave like this?
vomiting in the car?
shitting on the bed?

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. This is just not a person I would want to be involved with.

I agree with this . 35 years with my wonderful husband and this has never happened. I wouldn’t put up with it. So creepy and disgusting. Find a better man.

FuckityFux · 17/05/2025 13:58

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2025 12:36

I have to admit I've thrown up after drinking myself. Hasn't everyone? Doesn't happen often, once every couple of years maybe I misjudge things.

No, I’ve never got blind drunk that I’ve thrown up or soiled myself. My dad was an alcoholic and it’s the sort of thing he’d do occasionally so as a child, I knew I’d never want to be like him. Utterly Gross!

My DH doesn’t drink at all and I’ll occasionally have a small glass with others to be social, but I don’t like the idea of being drunk at all.

I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions about what other people consider normal… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Isouf · 17/05/2025 14:00

I think the most interesting is you saying he has never done this before (precisely when you are supposed to be getting more serious and bringing a child to the world). Is like he is sending a message

JifNtGif · 17/05/2025 14:07

I would end the relationship. That is all.

Serpentstooth · 17/05/2025 14:08

Gross. Here's a suitcase, fill it. Goodbye.

Enigma53 · 17/05/2025 14:09

That’s so grim!! Do you want a baby with “ that” ? 🙈

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2025 14:13

FuckityFux · 17/05/2025 13:58

No, I’ve never got blind drunk that I’ve thrown up or soiled myself. My dad was an alcoholic and it’s the sort of thing he’d do occasionally so as a child, I knew I’d never want to be like him. Utterly Gross!

My DH doesn’t drink at all and I’ll occasionally have a small glass with others to be social, but I don’t like the idea of being drunk at all.

I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions about what other people consider normal… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well you're now T-total and your father was an alcoholic so I'd argue that your attitude is not the norm either.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2025 14:13

Or almost T total.

MumWifeOther · 17/05/2025 14:14

Gross! And feel very relieved my husband doesn’t drink 🤯

Frillysweetpea · 17/05/2025 14:18

Quite apart from how grim it all is your partner should be restricting alcohol intake or abstaining all together if you are ttc. Alcohol can significantly affects male fertility. He doesn't sound committed to you or your joint future.

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