DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

[SarahStam]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

That’s not antics - it’s repulsive. I would get him to clean up, then leave while you reconsider your options.
do not have a child with a man who shits the bed and pukes all over himself through drink.

Was a line crossed, @SarahStam? Yes, not only was the line crossed, but your dh has gone so far over it that the line is just a dot in his rear view mirror.

I agree with the early posters on here who say he should, at a bare minimum, be doing all the cleaning up.

I must have much lower standards or are less fazed by revolting things. He clearly forgot about the TTC part, but you don't need to rigidly schedule in sex for a specific night, just within that 3 day window. He got drunk which occasionally happens. As long as it's a one off and not a regular occurrence, he apologised profusely and cleans up himself, then I would be able to get past it. However, I would need to know that he is prepared to put nights out at the pub behind him if and when you have a baby. That would be the bigger concern for me.

Get out now before you have children.

Just the fact he's so blasé about it shouldn't be a red flag, but a damned loud klaxon sounding. Has he no shame? I'm not surprised you're feeling disrespected, OP, because you are being disrespected.

I suppose it could be argued he's showing no remorse is because he's acutely embarrassed by his behaviour, but the fact he was unable to control his bodily functions indicates (to me, at least) alcohol could be a potential real problem for him - and you.

Scheduled sex is not good. If he’s going out, forget it. Take the pressure off and do it in the morning if you both want to.
When he tried to sober up- at that point I’d have absolutely said no and put him in the spare room.

A man that shits the bed due to being drunk , is not the type of man to be the father of your children .

Tbf, the drunk behaviour I could get past. If he doesn't have form, and it was a one off then I'd let it go, embarrassing and gross as it is.

What would be worse for me is the fact he committed to be back by a certain time and drove so he wouldn't drink too much, then did the opposite. He's not followed through on what he said, which for me would be a trust and reliability issue, especially if children are planned. You need to be able to rely on him. If you were heavily pregnant and asked him not to drink so he could drive in an emergency to hospital, could you rely on him? When your baby has kept you up all night and you're exhausted and ask him not to be out long, can you trust him to be back and support you?

That being said, my DH did similar recently (we have 2 little kids) and did grovel, apologise, make it up to me in other ways (ie he took care of the kids and did a load of housework I'd planned to do the following day so I could have a break) and has said it won't happen again.

Anyone can make a mistake (even if it's grim) but it's how they respond afterwards that I'd be concerned about. Has he acknowledged how awful he's been, cleaned up after himself l, apologised profusely, offered to make it up to you etc?

If not, I would be seriously considering the relationship. When you have children you don't want another child to look after!

Fucking grim. No way would i be wanting this man in my life. Hope he at least cleaned his own shit up.

Run to the hills.

He didn't clean up. OP did.

I would well and truly have “the ick” after that 🤢

You truly need to raise the bar OP. Truly.

DH had some daft nights out prior to when we had kids and when DD1 was small. Not shitting the bed 😬but missing the last train home, expensive taxi ride, being sick. It wasn't frequent though and he is such a lightweight with alcohol, this was after like, four pints of lager (I've seen it happen when I've been out with him and matched him drink for drink - to no ill effect in my case 😆) He is much more sensible now, hasn't done that for many years.

Urgh.

Vomiting after drinking, understandable to an extent because alcohol is a poison and body is trying to get rid. Although I’d be annoyed with a partner that was so far out of control they couldn’t say “stop the car” rather than throw up in the car.

However defecting in bed (or anywhere not a toilet) that’s deal breaker - no one should ever get that drunk that they’ve lost so much control that it just “comes out”. That is just disgusting. If he’s not deeply embarrassed and remorseful that’s even worse. He’s clearly not ready to TTC and would you want to with someone like that cos I wouldn’t!

It’s even worse given he drove so just should have said no to the 2nd pint or 2nd drink. He must have drink loads, quickly and probably hard spirits, eg many whiskys to get in that state in a few hours.

Can only imagine the state of his sperm after that episode.

Low quality sperm,.and a low quality man. Have a rethink, OP

This. Please no. This is awful.

I think he's trying to tell you that he's really not ready to be having kids yet.

I have to admit I've thrown up after drinking myself. Hasn't everyone? Doesn't happen often, once every couple of years maybe I misjudge things.

Yes. But not over myself or in a car nor have I shit the bed.

And you want a kid with this waster because…??

Good grief 😔. I couldn't even look at him without scorn. Just grim ☹️

There is no coming back from that. No.

I think you could have predicted that a trip to the pub on a Friday night was unlikely to end in time for him to be home at 9pm, but his behaviour was obviously extreme.

If you want to be with him get married first and conceive afterward.

I can't see anything remotely funny about it. It's disgusting and revolting, not amusing.