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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 17/05/2025 14:25

Reallybadidea · 17/05/2025 08:40

Regardless of all the revolting bodily functions he shared with you last night, are you absolutely sure he wants to have a baby with you right now? Last night he prioritised getting drunk with his mates over TTC a baby with you. That doesn't exactly scream commitment to me.

There are so many stories on here of useful partners and fathers who "change" after having kids. Do they change or do they hide it until they've got their partner in a position where it's difficult to leave? Maybe this is your first hint of the kind of father he'd be?

This ⬆️

Illegally18 · 17/05/2025 14:34

F1LandoFan · 17/05/2025 08:40

This is a very unkind response. She’s asking whether she’s being reasonable for being upset. She’s not posting on her Facebook account. Be kinder FFS.

I agree with you.

LakieLady · 17/05/2025 14:36

AlloftheTime · 17/05/2025 09:08

Just press pause on everything and have a long hard think about your situation. What amazing qualities does this man have that encourage you to believe he would be a good father ?

Years of experience cleaning up puke and poo?

Maray1967 · 17/05/2025 14:39

OP, this is not the man you want to be with long term. I’ve heard some pretty bad stories in my time - I’m probably old enough to be your mum - but this is one of the worst.

ragandbonewoman · 17/05/2025 14:43

I mean that is really disgusting from him, but honestly what on earth were you thinking intending to have sex with him when he was clearly not able to consent? Would you want to have sex after getting so drunk you vomited on yourself? Clearly he’d already really pissed you off and was probably trying to show willing, but in all honesty the shart was probably his only defence at trying to get out of it tbh

BlueEyedBogWitch · 17/05/2025 14:46

Crossed the line?

To quote Joey from Friends, the line is a dot to him!

I mean, if you get pregnant, at least you’ll have had some practice cleaning up poo and puke…

Azdcgbjml · 17/05/2025 14:47

OP I would count your blessings that you have not conceived with this "man" and start planning your exit strategy. Trust me, this is not someone you want to share parenthood with.

ByNattyOrca · 17/05/2025 14:52

@SarahStam seeing as he’s never done this before, I would strongly suggest he subconsciously isn’t wanting to conceive a baby with you at the moment Is there any reason why you are trying for a baby now, before getting married, seeing as you have been engaged for 1,5 yrs? Is he not keen on the marriage part either? You won’t be the first woman to be pushing ahead with something that a man isn’t actually wanting deep down.( as everyone else is saying similar on the thread, please listen!)

GameOfJones · 17/05/2025 14:56

The getting drunk on a TTC night would not be a huge deal for me if it's not a regular occurrence.

But getting so drunk he vomited and shitting on your bed is unbelievably disgusting. Is he absolutely mortified? He should be but it doesn't sound like it. Has he cleaned everything up?

DH and I like a drink and I have come in from a night out very drunk before, as he has but I can safely say we've never been so blind drunk we have been sick and neither of us have ever soiled the bed! Drinking so much alcohol that you puke is the behaviour of a teenager that hasn't learned how to control themselves.

tuvamoodyson · 17/05/2025 15:03

It’s up to you OP. Continence was never a box I thought I needed to tick when I was dating…although I’ve always found it preferable.

LadyRoughDiamond · 17/05/2025 15:15
  1. This man is not father material yet - your unborn children deserve better. He may mature in time, he may not; you’ll need to think carefully before trying to conceive with him.
  2. Get married before you try to conceive. This board is full of women who have been let down by their partners and then discover they don’t have any of the legal protections that marriage provides. Don’t be one of them.
Pickingdates · 17/05/2025 15:24

Grim.
He's not ready to be a father.
I don't think I could ever unsee his lack of respect for himself and you.

He's blasé today?
Well you can't ever say he didn't give a preview of who he is.

Oh and shitting yourself and the bed is not normal behaviour, no matter what low class standards some people tolerate.

I think I would pack a bag and take some space.
Is this really what you want in your childs father and your future?

I certainly would cease any TTC.
Tell family and friends the truth.

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 15:24

I’d have lost all attraction right there & then

MummaMummaMumma · 17/05/2025 15:26

I don't see why you're disrespected?
My husband has never done this, but if he did, it wouldn't be the end of the world. People do on occasion have too much to drink, clearly way too much in his case. But as a one off, is it really such a big deal?

SweeneyToddIer · 17/05/2025 15:27

MumWifeOther · 17/05/2025 14:14

Gross! And feel very relieved my husband doesn’t drink 🤯

Like many people, my husband drinks. So do I. Not huge amounts and not all that often, but have in the past overindulged.

In 25 years together, we’ve never vomited in a car from drinking, or shit the bed. In that time we’ve also never done so when we’ve had stomach bugs. Because we’re able-bodied adults who can control ourselves and behave appropriately. In fact, we’ve never gone out in the car and not been able to drive home because we ended up drinking.

Having a drink isn’t the issue, being a selfish, disgusting idiot is.

(Also, OP- would you really have sex with a man who was that drunk? Would you not feel weird about it?)

nopineapplepizza · 17/05/2025 15:33

He obviously doesn’t want to TTC.

The quality of the man’s sperm is hugely important in the making of a baby. Low quality sperm causes miscarriage and eptopic pregnancies and malformations of the baby and ALL of this is something that your body (and mind) would have to deal with.

If he wants you to have a healthy pregnancy and the baby to be a healthy child HE needs to cut out or severely limit alcohol intake, exercise, sleep well, maintain a healthy diet and steer clear of drugs.

Its not simply a case of coming inside you 🙄.

If your DP isn’t bothered about creating a healthy baby or potentially putting you through a miscarriage, he’s really not father and partner material is he?

MumWifeOther · 17/05/2025 15:44

SweeneyToddIer · 17/05/2025 15:27

Like many people, my husband drinks. So do I. Not huge amounts and not all that often, but have in the past overindulged.

In 25 years together, we’ve never vomited in a car from drinking, or shit the bed. In that time we’ve also never done so when we’ve had stomach bugs. Because we’re able-bodied adults who can control ourselves and behave appropriately. In fact, we’ve never gone out in the car and not been able to drive home because we ended up drinking.

Having a drink isn’t the issue, being a selfish, disgusting idiot is.

(Also, OP- would you really have sex with a man who was that drunk? Would you not feel weird about it?)

Thats great. I used to drink too, not anymore and don’t miss it all. And still very grateful my husband doesn’t 😊

sonicspeedtyper · 17/05/2025 15:45

I would say if he’s never done this before and is not a big drinker that’s probably why he can’t handle his drink. After a pregnancy and breast feeding I hadn’t had a drink for a long long time and had also just lost a lot of weight, I had one glass of wine and it just made me so tired I went straight to bed and woke up with the worse hangover ever because I wasn’t used to it and had no alcohol tolerance.

Does he actually remember what he did?
People who regularly drink are the ones who can drink loads without getting drunk.

Tangled123 · 17/05/2025 15:46

Drinking too much alcohol can reduce sperm count and decrease quality of sperm. He shouldn’t really have been drinking at all on your fertile days if you want to increase your chances of conceiving. I understand getting carried away occasionally, but to drink so much he literally sh*t the bed? That’s definitely a sign he isn’t ready to be a dad.

siucra · 17/05/2025 15:56

I would leave to be honest. Have a child with a grown up. He sounds disgusting and pathetic. You’re going to be spending the rest of your life waiting for him to grown up while you are the adult and do all the childcare and housework.

Whatwouldyoudoifyouwereme2025 · 17/05/2025 16:03
  • If you decide to stay in a relationship with a man who you have to mother because he acts like a baby..shame on you
  • Also, double check with him that he does want a child because having to perform on cue, like a circus animal, is fucking wierd, and no fun for anyone..
Iamthemoom · 17/05/2025 16:06

Please, please do not have a child with this man child. Respect yourself and get rid because he sure as hell doesn’t respect you!

RachelRosing · 17/05/2025 16:20

He doesn't respect you.
I would just say scheduling sex to conceive (unless you are having fertility problems) is never a good idea - are you older? because it all seems a bit rushed - you've only lived him for just over a year - you really don't know him.

StupidBoy · 17/05/2025 16:21

How can someone go out for 'a couple' and be so pissed by 10.45 that they need help getting in the car then vomit and shit themselves? I think he needs to learn to pace himself. He drinks like a 14 year old at his first house party with some vodka he stole from his mum.

And even if he hadn't shit the bed he doesn't sound like he was capable of performing anyway. Or of consenting, for that matter.

Hadmysay · 17/05/2025 16:29

If it'd a one us I'll give him a pass. If this is a common occurrence I would reconsider the relationship