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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
Ilovemyshed · 17/05/2025 08:43

Throw this one back.

SweeneyToddIer · 17/05/2025 08:44

I’d take this as a sign that the universe is telling you not to breed with this man.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 17/05/2025 08:44

lostinthesunshine · 17/05/2025 08:33

Surely you don’t want to have a child with this person.

I bet you anything you like she does. And she will.

Daisyvodka · 17/05/2025 08:44

The fact he isn't mortified is the red flag for me. He is right in a way, we are all allowed to make mistakes, however any truly decent man would be mortified and apologising profusely and trying to make it up to you out of embarrassment and shame that you had had to deal with them, and it sounds like he's not doing that. What is he like generally? Or more specifically, what's he like when he is in the wrong?

GoodCharl · 17/05/2025 08:47

Im just divorcing an alcoholic. Hes a nob but hes never once puked in the car/shit the bed.

The laughable thing is, picturing him naked on the bed, barely able to see, beer breath and the puke still on his face and a massive hard on, like hes gods gift. Then asks if youre up for it and shits himself. Sounds a right catch. Poor you

His idgaf attitude tells you that if you continue to clean up and enable him, thats you set for a life of this shit. it depends what you want to put up with i guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

Loopytiles · 17/05/2025 08:47

yuck.

Why did you give him a lift when pissed/hadn’t turned up when he’d said? Bad dynamic there.

If you continue with your plans for marriage and ttc with him wouldn’t ttc before marriage, much too risky unless you have high personal wealth and would be able to continue working full time after DC. Especially if you’d be depending on a man who has behaved like this, even once!

LilDeVille · 17/05/2025 08:47

That’s fucking disgusting. It’s up to you where your line is, mine is higher than that personally. DH has never lost control of his faculties like that in my presence because he knows that would not go well. I would absolutely not be picking him up drunk, let alone giving him chance to puke in the car and shit on the bed, and I would DEFINITELY not clean up said sick and shit!

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 17/05/2025 08:49

adult man seeks help from potential baby mama
wont be home as promised
so drunk needs picking up
alcohol induced vomit 🤮 in the car
can’t clean that up.. too drunk
naked - ready for action though !!.. oh oh no
shits on bed instead
great performance !
curtains close
Grim review

romdowa · 17/05/2025 08:49

Having a bowel movement all over the bed is not an off night. I'd be too sick to ever look at him again

Jujujudo · 17/05/2025 08:49

Pottedpalm · 17/05/2025 08:34

This is just grim. Why do you feel the need to share details of vomiting, farting and shitting? Have some self respect!

Sometimes saying it out loud helps us realise that what we’ve come to accept as normal, isn’t. This poor woman. The whole post was a red flag. It’s no fun having a family with an immature man with no self control.

outerspacepotato · 17/05/2025 08:49

Line crossed, shark jumped, future not looking bright, peak ick.

How old is he? Does he have a history of binge drinking?

Moier · 17/05/2025 08:50

Is there only me laughing?
It's awful for you op l know.. but l was imagining him laid naked on the bed like Bob from Rita and Sue.. saying " here l am come and have it" then farting and following through.. can't stop laughing ..
Sorry OP.. hope you kiss and make up and eventually start your family

Jetsettermum · 17/05/2025 08:51

Pottedpalm · 17/05/2025 08:34

This is just grim. Why do you feel the need to share details of vomiting, farting and shitting? Have some self respect!

You’ve been in MN before…right? If your offended by that then this place isn’t for you 🤣

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/05/2025 08:52

That’s not a line that’s a river. Of shit.

In sorry but his clearly not in any state to be trying to conceive a baby and if you do, you’ll be back here in a Year or two consoling of a useless dh who does nothing with the baby and is always coming home drunk. Pissing in the wardrobe with shit running down his legs.

A lovely picture. A baby and a grown man’s arse to be wiped.

hattie43 · 17/05/2025 08:53

You want a baby with this man ?? Tbh the whole TTC sounds so stressful, are you sure he wants a child as much as you .

sonicspeedtyper · 17/05/2025 08:54

Did he manage to get up for college this morning?

SapphOhNo · 17/05/2025 08:54

That's totally unreasonable. Disrespectful and likely demonstrates how he values your relationship. LTB.

RampantIvy · 17/05/2025 08:55

If you do decide to stay with him I would put TTC on hold until he decides to act like an adult.

I also think that he isn't as on board as the OP about having a child and maybe deliberately sabotaged last night's agreement.

The pressure to perform on certain dates and just not be spontaneous isn't exactly romantic either. Tracking and making him perform on specific dates is so clinical and stressful. Sometimes I think being able to use modern methods to pinpoint fertile windows take the joy out of what should be pleasurable.

So many men are being treated like sperm donors and not partners.

Letstheriveranswer · 17/05/2025 08:56

The only possible excuse for any of this is if it turns out he was coming down with a stomach bug as well as having been drinking.

Otherwise I'd say his timing is interesting...is he really ready for a baby?

I hope he is getting the car cleaned today and sorting the laundry!

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 17/05/2025 08:57

Terrible behaviour.......for me it would depend on how remorseful he is today and if it was totally out of character. He obviously wasn't planning this sowhat happened?

It's all very well for strangers on the Internet to all start shouting LTB but real life and relationships are never black and white!

I've been married a very long time......I've messed up on occasions and so has dh.

Don't do anything while you are angry.
This might be the deal breaker in your relationship but make the decision with a cool head.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 17/05/2025 08:57

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

How old are you both? He sounds like an absolute child. I really couldn’t put up with any of that revolting behaviour, it’s gross.

Catandsquirrel · 17/05/2025 08:57

This is deeply infra dig and he deserves to feel extreme contrition but are those saying 'leave' certain that this would be the end for a one in a good relationship, off or are they making the point that it is pretty foul indeed?

I think he needs to clean up thoroughly and apologise unreserved. I'd also want an explanation of why he chose to break your agreed plans for something so important to BOTH of you. Drinking on an empty stomach?

WobblyBoots · 17/05/2025 08:57

YANBU. Honestly, I would reconsider trying to have a baby until he shows he can be a grown up. Otherwise you'll be back on here in a few years asking IABU because your DP doesn't lift a finger around the house, you do all the childcare, he's out partying while you don't get a night off, he has a hobby that takes all weekend etc etc etc.

Gyozas · 17/05/2025 08:58

He says ‘off night’ like vomiting and shitting all over the bed is normal behaviour. It’s not. It’s really, really not. It’s truly fucking disgusting.

How often does he drink to oblivion?

SantanaBinLorry · 17/05/2025 08:58

Is he trying to prepare you for life with a baby? Sick and shit everywhere?
At least babies are cute. Your OH sounds gross. Please don't have a baby with him, you'll be wiping two arses, physically and metaphorically.
Run.