Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

[TheOpenBee]

Please excuse this wall of text...

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with our current situation.
I have a daughter 27 who has a 3 year old son. My daughter works 3 days a week and up until December last year we looked after our grandson while she was at work on those 3 days.

Last December she split up with my grandsons father and he moved away. My daughter started bringing our grandson to us every single day, on days she wasn't working she'd be dropping him off and going home to bed saying she was tired because my grandson wasn't sleeping well without his father's presence and she'd been having a hard time at work. We accepted this for a few weeks but then it started to get silly.

My daughter works a 15 minute drive from our home. She'd finish work at 5 and instead of coming to pick her son up at 5.30 ish like normal she'd start turning up at 7 with no explanation as to where she had been.

He'd be served his evening meal at 5.30 and start getting excited that mummy would be back soon then he'd wait and wait for her as she gets later and later arriving. It breaks my heart when he keeps asking for reassurance that mummy is coming back.

When she is at our home with her son she sits on her phone ignoring him. He has to ask her for affection or to be involved in something he is doing. One example was last weekend my daughter and grandson were at my home, my grandson got a sandpit for his birthday and was stupidly excited when we said he could play in it. He went around everyone in the room asking them to put their shoes on and come and see his new toy. His mum for a change actually did what he asked and came outside, you could see his eyes light up when he saw her coming outside. She stayed maybe 5 minutes then decided whoever she was texting on the phone was more interesting and went back inside. My grandson looked at his grandad and said "she's not coming back is she" got really sad, asked for a hug then decided he didn't want to play with sand anymore and asked to go back inside himself.

My grandson is without doubt missing his mummy, he sees her for less than an hour in the morning and as his bedtime is technically 7 a lot of nights she takes him straight home to bed.

On the rare occasion she's paying him enough attention and actually praises him he gets emotional and immediately starts to cry. He craves her attention so much that when he gets it he doesn't know what to do.

Now we move on to a few weeks later and grandson has still been at our house all-day 6 days a week (his daddy has him on a Sunday) the only difference is my daughter on the 3 days she's not been working has been coming up to our house with him. She will sit on her phone texting her new boyfriend all day while we look after the child.

We talked to my daughter mentioning that we were unhappy with the current situation and our grandson can't be with us all the time and needed some 'just mummy' time. She got really defensive saying we just didn't want her to have a life and stormed out.
The next week she actually spent a whole day with him taking him to a local activity centre and baking cupcakes with him which he loves to do. My grandson came to us the next day happy and super chatty telling us all the things he'd done with mummy. We hoped that things were getting a tiny bit better and the next week she spent a whole day with him too.

Now to today my daughter turned up at our house saying my grandson was obviously too much of a problem for us to keep looking after so she'd enrolled him in a local nursery from 8am to 6pm all 5 days a week.
This is not what we wanted at all. While we agree nursery would be a good thing for him 50 hours a week seems like torture for a child who is already worried that he's been left when his parents are out of sight for only a short while. We were and still are always happy to have him while my daughter works. He's going from missing his daddy, to missing his mummy (even when she is physically with him) to having his grandparents taken away too and it's breaking my heart. All we wanted was for her to spend some time with him and instead she's decided to send him away from all of us.

What can I do? Am I being unreasonable asking her to actually participate in her child's life more?

I meant it will be hard for the OP to do, as it will obviously be hard for her grandson. Although it will also be harder logistically for her daughter as nurseries don’t accept late pick ups or open on Saturdays but I think she’s probably bluffing anyway to guilt trip her parents. If I was the OP I wouldn’t give in to it and would see what happened.

Would the father have him more?

Oh no OP, this is absolutely heartbreaking 😢💔
The poor little boy. Just wanted to say how lucky he is to have you and his Grandad in his young life 💐😞

This is so sad. You sound like wonderful grandparents, OP.

Oh wow I wasn’t expecting 9 pages of replies this is taking me some time to read through. I’ll try and answer a few questions now and come back when I’ve actually managed to read all the posts. I appreciate all of your comments.

Grandsons father was with our daughter for 8years but we’ve never had a close relationship with him. While the actually split was him leaving her I think they both knew it was coming for sometime. Nobody else was involved. What exactly triggered the final split I’m unsure of.
He doesn’t seem to have the greatest or safest living conditions at the moment (friends spare room in a house just over an hour away). He is working full time and taking shifts in a pub several evenings to earn some extra money. I know he is currently paying all of my daughter’s rent but I don’t know exactly what else he is paying for I suspect quite a lot.
His father died when he was 16 and his mother lives miles away (I think my GS has only been to visit her on 3 or 4 occasions). I don’t think she is an option to help.
Dad seems to have fallen into mums I need a life narrative and doesn’t seem to see the issues that I see.
He will and does have my GS overnight if my daughter wants to go out but for the moment needs to do it at my daughter’s home.

GS was always going to go to nursery from September I believe it was going to be 3 morning sessions a week. To use up some of his free 30hour entitlement and help him transition to school next year. I have no idea how she plans to fund any extra hours.
I also fully expect my GS to be on my doorstep tomorrow morning I don’t believe the nursery thing will happen at all until September when he was due to go.

Before the split DD and GS had an amazing relationship there was never a problem with them. She’d take care of him wonderfully. He’s an arty child and she’d always be coming up with ways to nurture his imagination and have fun with him.

She is not picking up extra working hours. IF she told us she wants to go shopping after work or wants to go for a drink with her friends or even just said she’d be late we wouldn’t care about the extra hours. It’s the just rocking up when she chooses that gets to us.

Is she keeping him clean and safe while at home - yes.
Is she feeding him - At the moment he eats all his meals with us.

New boyfriend knows about GS and actually has a daughter (6 or 7) himself. He works full time and from what I’m able to glean so far he does spend time with his child. I would imagine that she paints her life with GS as all rosey around him.

My husband is concerned that if we talk to our daughter and she chooses to cut us out of our GS life right now that we will just push her to this new bf who lives from what I can tell some distance away. If DD and GS are closer to him as non drivers we worry that GS wouldn’t be able to get the attention he wants from us either.

Your daughter sounds as though she's really struggling.

You really are between a rock and a hard place at the moment @TheOpenBee
You don’t want to push your dd away into the arms of her new bf, taking a vulnerable little boy with her. 🥲
Tread softly- wishing you the best.

I’m going to sound like a cow but this update has only made me this worse of your DD.

I think her behaviour is incredibly selfish to everyone. I don’t think you will be pushed out of her life because you’re too useful as free childcare at the moment. She can’t have her 6 days off if you don’t help, well she can’t be she will have to pay for it. She sounds manipulative and I don’t think she is struggling, I think she is selfish.

I have no further advice, but I seriously hope for yours and little one’s sakes that you get it worked out.

ETA - sorry for the annoying quote, it was unnecessary but I can’t get rid of it now I’ve stupidly done it.

@TheOpenBee has she given any indication that she’s struggling with her mental health, mention being a bit overwhelmed with parenting, etc? Anything that would open up a conversation around that?

How is she going to afford the feeds for the ears she’s not working?

Where's the bollocks button? The grandmother seems to be the only one who really cares about this child, the 'mother' and 'father' seem to have checked out. MN is often seen to support terrible 'mothers' which is a sad state of affairs.

This is so sad. Is she depressed? I think he should be in nursery at age 3 it’s good for them! So he should go the 3 days she’s at work. 1 day with dad. Maybe a sleepover with you Saturday night because yes mums need a life and you’re clearly happy to have him. The other days & times she should spend 1 on 1 quality time with her son! She has lots of help so it’s not like she’s burned out. It’s heartbreaking reading this!

do you believe that she has enrolled the child to nursery, or is she saying this for a reaction? It would be a huge expense especially after being used to free childcare.

you sound like wonderful grandparents

Have you asked her how SHE is? Your focus is on the grandchild and not on your child....

She has just gone through a relationship breakdown, she could be low, struggling financially, feeling lost, overwhelmed that the life she envisaged as a family unit is now not there and she is literally left holding the baby... alone.

She is where the focus should be and of course you shouldn't be looking after your grandchild to that extent but if you focus on your child and supporting her through this difficult time... it'll filter down.

This is probably the hardest post I have read and it made me feel really sad, I actually nearly stopped reading it.

I wonder if your daughter is overwhelmed being a single parent, also bl**dy modern living I sometimes think we have way too many modern distractions to calm us down from the stresses of life. We win in someways and lose in others.

you are both doing an amazing job with your DGS and he is so very lucky. Giving him gentle settled play, love and laughter.

your DD may have taken something as a slur against her as a mum or similar and she has taken it upon herself to avoid any further negative feelings.

personally I wonder if she needs support around the home and maybe if his father doesn’t help at weekends an evening off every so often, I don’t mean for you to take a sleepover onboard also, but if you are willing it could be a start?

your DD sounds like she is struggling even though she may not know herself yet. Wishing you every luck.

SHE is a grown woman. The child is, well a child. You have a very strange way of thinking. Of course the child is the priority.

How very compassionate of you.. As grown women, all of us have low points and need some form of support whether that be practical, emotional etc. She is his mother and his main care giver therefore - help her to help herself in the long run and that's what's best for the grandchild and the wider family.

I was also thinking this. Full time private nursery is extortionate.

You sound like lovely grandparents. I’d insist that she lets you have him the 3 days she works. And then ask if he can do nursery for just one day?

She is neglecting and emotionally abusing him. His needs aren’t being met. It’s not typical for him to be crying when he gets attention because he is so starved of it for him. This is heartbreaking, please keep being his advocate. She sounds like she’s completely abandoning him and you’re in an awful position of her acting like a spoiled brat and taking him away from you too. She is abusing him.

But she isn’t is she because her parents have massively stepped up and are giving an insane amount of support and she’s absolutely taking the piss and causing harm to her child. At the point she’s hurting her son with her neglect she does need to be told to step the hell up. She’s nasty for taking him from his grandparents, the only stable bond he seems to have right now the poor little lad.

This will sound harsh but to me it sounds like new boyfriend doesn't know she has a son so she wants to have him out the way as much as possible or she blames her son for the break up. OP I would suggest you offer to have him 5 days a week living with you and she does same as dad and spends 1 day a week with him think little one would be better off with you

Unfortunately sounds like she's never grown up. She had him youngish and is looking for the freedom she missed in her early twenties. You are so in tune with your lovely Grandson and clearly a wonderful Grandmother. He sounds like such a dote.

It truly broke my heart to read this as in no uncertain terms she is a neglectful parent. He deserves so much more from her.
Yes she could be depressed and it's important to address that subject, but from the info you've provided my instinct says she's just immature and selfish.

I would be sitting down for a difficult conversation about it all. Most importantly how her son is feeling, spell it out to her what you have observed and exactly what he's been saying to you. If she doesn't see how hurt that dear little boy is, then she's not a good mother to him at all. She needs a harsh wake up call in my opinion.
So tough for you.

Op as hard as it may be coming down tough on her is the very last thing she needs right now

Bite your tongue and try not to say much and be as supportive and welcoming as you can be. If and when she settles down again then when it's calm try and have a conversation about this is in a very neutral way.
Good Luck

This sounds like me when I had my daughter, I had post natal depression, but instead of taking the piss out of my parents, it was my boyfriends who was basically being a single parent.
I did get help.
Maybe she is a little depressed? I definitely resented my daughter and didn’t want to be with her. Thankfully I’m ok now. I hope you sort it OP x

Well she's already got a new boyfriend so it's not as if she's in bed all day alone and being depressed.