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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

317 replies

TheOpenBee · 17/05/2025 00:46

Please excuse this wall of text...

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with our current situation.
I have a daughter 27 who has a 3 year old son. My daughter works 3 days a week and up until December last year we looked after our grandson while she was at work on those 3 days.

Last December she split up with my grandsons father and he moved away. My daughter started bringing our grandson to us every single day, on days she wasn't working she'd be dropping him off and going home to bed saying she was tired because my grandson wasn't sleeping well without his father's presence and she'd been having a hard time at work. We accepted this for a few weeks but then it started to get silly.

My daughter works a 15 minute drive from our home. She'd finish work at 5 and instead of coming to pick her son up at 5.30 ish like normal she'd start turning up at 7 with no explanation as to where she had been.

He'd be served his evening meal at 5.30 and start getting excited that mummy would be back soon then he'd wait and wait for her as she gets later and later arriving. It breaks my heart when he keeps asking for reassurance that mummy is coming back.

When she is at our home with her son she sits on her phone ignoring him. He has to ask her for affection or to be involved in something he is doing. One example was last weekend my daughter and grandson were at my home, my grandson got a sandpit for his birthday and was stupidly excited when we said he could play in it. He went around everyone in the room asking them to put their shoes on and come and see his new toy. His mum for a change actually did what he asked and came outside, you could see his eyes light up when he saw her coming outside. She stayed maybe 5 minutes then decided whoever she was texting on the phone was more interesting and went back inside. My grandson looked at his grandad and said "she's not coming back is she" got really sad, asked for a hug then decided he didn't want to play with sand anymore and asked to go back inside himself.

My grandson is without doubt missing his mummy, he sees her for less than an hour in the morning and as his bedtime is technically 7 a lot of nights she takes him straight home to bed.

On the rare occasion she's paying him enough attention and actually praises him he gets emotional and immediately starts to cry. He craves her attention so much that when he gets it he doesn't know what to do.

Now we move on to a few weeks later and grandson has still been at our house all-day 6 days a week (his daddy has him on a Sunday) the only difference is my daughter on the 3 days she's not been working has been coming up to our house with him. She will sit on her phone texting her new boyfriend all day while we look after the child.

We talked to my daughter mentioning that we were unhappy with the current situation and our grandson can't be with us all the time and needed some 'just mummy' time. She got really defensive saying we just didn't want her to have a life and stormed out.
The next week she actually spent a whole day with him taking him to a local activity centre and baking cupcakes with him which he loves to do. My grandson came to us the next day happy and super chatty telling us all the things he'd done with mummy. We hoped that things were getting a tiny bit better and the next week she spent a whole day with him too.

Now to today my daughter turned up at our house saying my grandson was obviously too much of a problem for us to keep looking after so she'd enrolled him in a local nursery from 8am to 6pm all 5 days a week.
This is not what we wanted at all. While we agree nursery would be a good thing for him 50 hours a week seems like torture for a child who is already worried that he's been left when his parents are out of sight for only a short while. We were and still are always happy to have him while my daughter works. He's going from missing his daddy, to missing his mummy (even when she is physically with him) to having his grandparents taken away too and it's breaking my heart. All we wanted was for her to spend some time with him and instead she's decided to send him away from all of us.

What can I do? Am I being unreasonable asking her to actually participate in her child's life more?

OP posts:
101Nutella · 17/05/2025 07:59

Realistically I think this is poor communication between you both.

if she works 3 days a week and the dad has him one day- then when is she supposed to see her friends, do the food shop, have some time just to be her? Without parenting 24/7. Especially when the nights are bad with wakes. It’s an endless treadmill. It does sound like she needs help and is depressed but she should have communicated this and you could have decided what you will help with eg one later night so she could go to the gym or on a date. Rather than her expect it.

the dad is the villain here because that level of access is so low- no wonder the child really wants his mother’s attention as suddenly his dad is gone.

i think how you communicated it has probably tipped her over the edge as she must feel unhappiness and guilt about the situation- of which some of it is out of her control, so to then have it flagged that she’s harming her child emotionally is too much.

i would enrol my child in nursery on a day off if I had no support so I could get stuff done which is a million times harder with them. It’s not uncommon if money is no issue. Especially if they don’t sleep well!

personally I’d speak with her and say you’re happy to do the 3 days but have him a bit later on one day so she can do something (if you are) and have a heart to heart. Where you acknowledge she’s in a tough spot and ask what she needs/what you can do together to meet the child’s need in the absence of the father parenting his own child.

RubyFlax · 17/05/2025 08:02

This is really sad to read, and must be hard for you to see as she is your daughter and you obviously love her and worry about her too.
I would definitely try and keep as much contact time with your grandson as you can - it seems like you are happy to do this and that he loves spending time with you. You are an huge consistent, safe and fun space in his life. Even if he’s in nursery a couple of days a week. Could you have your grandson overnight once in the week perhaps, and either have him during the day after or take him to nursery on the proviso that his mum then gets a complete break & time for herself, so that she hopefully feels she can be available for him and more engaged the rest of the time?

I don’t really want to write this, and please forgive me as I am making a huge leap here but I would also try and be cautious with any new partner your daughter might meet… there seem to be so many cases of neglect / abuse where a parent meets a new partner and that person has no tolerance for the child or sees them as a hindrance etc resulting in the child ending up suffering.

It sounds like your daughter maybe needs to see someone professional to talk to & help her through.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 17/05/2025 08:02

JustMarriedBecca · 17/05/2025 07:57

Maybe if the father stepped up and did 50-50 then the nights your DGS was there, she can have to "live her life" and be switched on to parenting and more engaged the other. The mother is getting serious shade and the father is escaping without blame.

It's quite clear she needs to engage more. That poor child.

100% agree with this.

BookArt55 · 17/05/2025 08:04

Sounds like she needs therapy. End of a relationship, using her phone to switch off, jumping straight into another relationship, knee jerk reactions, not being able to take two of her closest people saying they are worried about her actions/her son.
This made me so sad for your grandson.
I'd invite them round for dinner or something. And ask her what she would need for you to have your grandson the three days she is working, then he could do 2 days at nursery giving her a break... or something. I'd go in with we miss him, we think he will miss us, 3 days was perfect before type of thing.
I worry without your input for this little boy.
Sending lots of hope your way, I hope she sees the light for your grandson.

GPBlues · 17/05/2025 08:04

^Sorry but most of those things are ‘just life’ as a parent, this is not a special use case. She has been doing all that because OP has been babysitting!

I’m not getting a vibe OP wouldn’t babysit for her to go out friends. If she can afford FT nursery working PT, maybe on the 2 days she’s not working and the Sunday the dad is around?

deeahgwitch · 17/05/2025 08:05

But someone else upthread wrote that your daughter was acting like a spoiled brat and I agreed with that too.
Only you @TheOpenBee knows which it is. Depression or Selfishness.
You are an amazing grandmother and your dgson is lucky to have such a great granny and grandad.
You really need to have a “big” chat with your daughter.
She really has thrown her toys out of the pram now.
That poor little boy. Thank goodness he has you both in his life.
His Dad should step up more also.
What about paternal grandparents ?

Mumofoneandone · 17/05/2025 08:07

Your poor grandson. Your daughter is clearly struggling but her behaviour sounds abusive/neglectful and also concerning that she is already seeing someone new.
Not sure if SS needs to be involved......
Is there any way of getting the dad and his family more involved?
Could you look at him living full time with you so his needs are met?

summershere99 · 17/05/2025 08:07

She sounds emotionally immature. Lots of relationships break down and lots of mums end up doing the hard graft on their own without much help. So I don’t really agree with pp about her needing time or being badly affected by the break up. It’s not an excuse for effectively abandoning her son and showing little interest in him. It’s so sad. She sounds more like a teen than a 27 year old.

mixedcereal · 17/05/2025 08:10

Could this be a bluff to make a point? Full time nursery is very expensive, and if she’s only working 3 days a week probably unaffordable…

Sourcreamandchive · 17/05/2025 08:15

Your daughter must earn a very good salary on 3 days a week to be able to afford full time nursery! This reads like a bluff.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/05/2025 08:17

I’d spell it out to her. ‘You need to really step-up for that little boy. He loves you and needs you. You have reverted to a teenager since Adam left. Get off your phone and start Mothering.

Jojo2408 · 17/05/2025 08:20

It sounds like you are a very involved and loving grandma OP. I would just be careful not to push your daughter away. She could be going through some sort of depression since breaking up with her son’s father. Maybe she’s finding solo parenting daunting and exhausting. Maybe she’s upset that her hopes and dreams for her little family have ended. It sounds like she’s dealing with it badly by just avoiding her responsibilities and rebounding with a new boyfriend. You are already doing so much, but maybe a heart to heart chat with her would be what she needs. Explain to her the impact it’s having on her son but in a loving and supportive way.

Goldengirl123 · 17/05/2025 08:24

This is so sad. I was going to suggest that you grandson lives with you as his mother obviously doesn’t want him but would that make him feel even more rejected?

MatildaMovesMountains · 17/05/2025 08:24

I'm amazed she can afford full-time nursery on a part-time wage!

MatildaMovesMountains · 17/05/2025 08:25

Sourcreamandchive · 17/05/2025 08:15

Your daughter must earn a very good salary on 3 days a week to be able to afford full time nursery! This reads like a bluff.

Doesn't it just?

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 17/05/2025 08:28

Sounds like she's very young/depressed and/or besotted with her new boyfriend and finds her own son a hindrance. Poor child.
Why did they split? How often does your GS see his paternal grandparents?
Not sure she'll be able to afford 5 days at nursery if only working part time unless her ex is paying for it.

MadinMarch · 17/05/2025 08:43

Artrunner · 17/05/2025 05:10

The mother doesn't sound like she is doing any of it though does she?

Show quote history

What is your daughter doing on the days she's not working and the child is in nursery? Is the new boyfriend working or is she seeing him during this time?
DD's current behaviour towards her son is actually verging on neglect.

Naddd · 17/05/2025 08:55

TheOpenBee · 17/05/2025 00:46

Please excuse this wall of text...

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with our current situation.
I have a daughter 27 who has a 3 year old son. My daughter works 3 days a week and up until December last year we looked after our grandson while she was at work on those 3 days.

Last December she split up with my grandsons father and he moved away. My daughter started bringing our grandson to us every single day, on days she wasn't working she'd be dropping him off and going home to bed saying she was tired because my grandson wasn't sleeping well without his father's presence and she'd been having a hard time at work. We accepted this for a few weeks but then it started to get silly.

My daughter works a 15 minute drive from our home. She'd finish work at 5 and instead of coming to pick her son up at 5.30 ish like normal she'd start turning up at 7 with no explanation as to where she had been.

He'd be served his evening meal at 5.30 and start getting excited that mummy would be back soon then he'd wait and wait for her as she gets later and later arriving. It breaks my heart when he keeps asking for reassurance that mummy is coming back.

When she is at our home with her son she sits on her phone ignoring him. He has to ask her for affection or to be involved in something he is doing. One example was last weekend my daughter and grandson were at my home, my grandson got a sandpit for his birthday and was stupidly excited when we said he could play in it. He went around everyone in the room asking them to put their shoes on and come and see his new toy. His mum for a change actually did what he asked and came outside, you could see his eyes light up when he saw her coming outside. She stayed maybe 5 minutes then decided whoever she was texting on the phone was more interesting and went back inside. My grandson looked at his grandad and said "she's not coming back is she" got really sad, asked for a hug then decided he didn't want to play with sand anymore and asked to go back inside himself.

My grandson is without doubt missing his mummy, he sees her for less than an hour in the morning and as his bedtime is technically 7 a lot of nights she takes him straight home to bed.

On the rare occasion she's paying him enough attention and actually praises him he gets emotional and immediately starts to cry. He craves her attention so much that when he gets it he doesn't know what to do.

Now we move on to a few weeks later and grandson has still been at our house all-day 6 days a week (his daddy has him on a Sunday) the only difference is my daughter on the 3 days she's not been working has been coming up to our house with him. She will sit on her phone texting her new boyfriend all day while we look after the child.

We talked to my daughter mentioning that we were unhappy with the current situation and our grandson can't be with us all the time and needed some 'just mummy' time. She got really defensive saying we just didn't want her to have a life and stormed out.
The next week she actually spent a whole day with him taking him to a local activity centre and baking cupcakes with him which he loves to do. My grandson came to us the next day happy and super chatty telling us all the things he'd done with mummy. We hoped that things were getting a tiny bit better and the next week she spent a whole day with him too.

Now to today my daughter turned up at our house saying my grandson was obviously too much of a problem for us to keep looking after so she'd enrolled him in a local nursery from 8am to 6pm all 5 days a week.
This is not what we wanted at all. While we agree nursery would be a good thing for him 50 hours a week seems like torture for a child who is already worried that he's been left when his parents are out of sight for only a short while. We were and still are always happy to have him while my daughter works. He's going from missing his daddy, to missing his mummy (even when she is physically with him) to having his grandparents taken away too and it's breaking my heart. All we wanted was for her to spend some time with him and instead she's decided to send him away from all of us.

What can I do? Am I being unreasonable asking her to actually participate in her child's life more?

Why do 4% think op is unreasonable?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/05/2025 08:57

There are no winners in this situation, except perhaps the selfish father who has buggered off into the sunset.

Of course her behaviour wasn’t reasonable at all and she was taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. You weren’t wrong to call it out. She is also clearly struggling and I imagine may have depression/burn out. Perhaps emotionally disengaging from her son because she can’t/isn’t ready to face the reality of what his father has done by abandoning him.

Let her sulk and have this strop, then gently reach out and reoffer support and say you are very happy to have him for 2 days again (or whatever you’re comfortable with, if you still are). I think she will accept the olive branch because she needs the help. She’s probably in a burning bridges, everyone has abandoned me so I’m going it alone kind of angry phase.

Yeswoman · 17/05/2025 08:57

In all the circumstances I'd say this child is at risk of neglect or abuse. Stay close to him.

ThatSchoolOfficeLady · 17/05/2025 09:00

She is using her child as a surrogate for his dad and taking her anger out on him. She needs to know this and she needs therapy. That poor kid.

iamaigenerated · 17/05/2025 09:04

I think all you can do is eat humble pie, say sorry and you'll be happy to have your grandchild, and just be the loving and present pillars your grandchild needs.

I've never been in a position of fully resenting my child but if this is what she is going through, you can't "force" her to love or be affectionate to her child. You could even take her phone off her and physically lock them up in the same room from 9-6 but even then, you cannot force true affection & being present.

You can try a good talking to if it works but I think you probably catch more flies with honey than vinegar in this scenario. Shaming her or showering her with the expletives seen above in this thread is only going to turn her off parenting more. Some people are shit parents and should just not have kids... But once the kids have been had, you really just need to work around it, if you love the child.

faerietales · 17/05/2025 09:04

Your DD is being a selfish brat and she needs to get a bloody grip of herself, quite frankly. Your poor grandson (and poor you).

PicaK · 17/05/2025 09:05

I don't think she's texting. I think she might be deeply depressed and doom scrolling. And suffering from blocked care - where her emotional attachment to her son is suffering. She cares for him but can't feel any enjoyment and his demands feel like too much.
You sound mentally very robust. But your focus seems to be on your grandson. You daughter needs similar levels of care and compassion.
She's coping heroically, she's been left to do it all by a dad who will only do 1 day a week. Her only downtime is at yours.
Strongly suggest you have a compassionate chat where you don't criticise her parenting. (She's booking him in nursery to escape your disapproving looks). Tell her you love her, tell her you can see she's doing her best and gently ask if she is depressed. Offer to go to GP with her.
Your grandson will only recover when he has his mum back mentally and physically but shouting at her to be there just isn't going to cut it or be effective. You need to build her up and help her recover.

iamaigenerated · 17/05/2025 09:08

iamaigenerated · 17/05/2025 09:04

I think all you can do is eat humble pie, say sorry and you'll be happy to have your grandchild, and just be the loving and present pillars your grandchild needs.

I've never been in a position of fully resenting my child but if this is what she is going through, you can't "force" her to love or be affectionate to her child. You could even take her phone off her and physically lock them up in the same room from 9-6 but even then, you cannot force true affection & being present.

You can try a good talking to if it works but I think you probably catch more flies with honey than vinegar in this scenario. Shaming her or showering her with the expletives seen above in this thread is only going to turn her off parenting more. Some people are shit parents and should just not have kids... But once the kids have been had, you really just need to work around it, if you love the child.

Actually, alternatively if it is a bluff as PP have said she's unlikely to be able to afford nursery, maybe let her carry on with the bluff a bit more. Then finally offer your help woth the gentle minimum condition that she spends x time a day/week with child / joins all of you on x activity and be fully present. Make it minimal, not such a large amount that her resentment seeps through. Even if she dials it in during that time, it's ok if child enjoys it and hopefully (being very sunshine and rainbows optimistic here...) they get closer.