Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

[TheOpenBee]

Please excuse this wall of text...

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with our current situation.
I have a daughter 27 who has a 3 year old son. My daughter works 3 days a week and up until December last year we looked after our grandson while she was at work on those 3 days.

Last December she split up with my grandsons father and he moved away. My daughter started bringing our grandson to us every single day, on days she wasn't working she'd be dropping him off and going home to bed saying she was tired because my grandson wasn't sleeping well without his father's presence and she'd been having a hard time at work. We accepted this for a few weeks but then it started to get silly.

My daughter works a 15 minute drive from our home. She'd finish work at 5 and instead of coming to pick her son up at 5.30 ish like normal she'd start turning up at 7 with no explanation as to where she had been.

He'd be served his evening meal at 5.30 and start getting excited that mummy would be back soon then he'd wait and wait for her as she gets later and later arriving. It breaks my heart when he keeps asking for reassurance that mummy is coming back.

When she is at our home with her son she sits on her phone ignoring him. He has to ask her for affection or to be involved in something he is doing. One example was last weekend my daughter and grandson were at my home, my grandson got a sandpit for his birthday and was stupidly excited when we said he could play in it. He went around everyone in the room asking them to put their shoes on and come and see his new toy. His mum for a change actually did what he asked and came outside, you could see his eyes light up when he saw her coming outside. She stayed maybe 5 minutes then decided whoever she was texting on the phone was more interesting and went back inside. My grandson looked at his grandad and said "she's not coming back is she" got really sad, asked for a hug then decided he didn't want to play with sand anymore and asked to go back inside himself.

My grandson is without doubt missing his mummy, he sees her for less than an hour in the morning and as his bedtime is technically 7 a lot of nights she takes him straight home to bed.

On the rare occasion she's paying him enough attention and actually praises him he gets emotional and immediately starts to cry. He craves her attention so much that when he gets it he doesn't know what to do.

Now we move on to a few weeks later and grandson has still been at our house all-day 6 days a week (his daddy has him on a Sunday) the only difference is my daughter on the 3 days she's not been working has been coming up to our house with him. She will sit on her phone texting her new boyfriend all day while we look after the child.

We talked to my daughter mentioning that we were unhappy with the current situation and our grandson can't be with us all the time and needed some 'just mummy' time. She got really defensive saying we just didn't want her to have a life and stormed out.
The next week she actually spent a whole day with him taking him to a local activity centre and baking cupcakes with him which he loves to do. My grandson came to us the next day happy and super chatty telling us all the things he'd done with mummy. We hoped that things were getting a tiny bit better and the next week she spent a whole day with him too.

Now to today my daughter turned up at our house saying my grandson was obviously too much of a problem for us to keep looking after so she'd enrolled him in a local nursery from 8am to 6pm all 5 days a week.
This is not what we wanted at all. While we agree nursery would be a good thing for him 50 hours a week seems like torture for a child who is already worried that he's been left when his parents are out of sight for only a short while. We were and still are always happy to have him while my daughter works. He's going from missing his daddy, to missing his mummy (even when she is physically with him) to having his grandparents taken away too and it's breaking my heart. All we wanted was for her to spend some time with him and instead she's decided to send him away from all of us.

What can I do? Am I being unreasonable asking her to actually participate in her child's life more?

Jesus, as a teacher this explains so much to me about the kids in my classroom.

What I would want to do is shake her, and shout at her. But that won’t get you or him anywhere good I don’t think.

I think for his sake, I would go to her and say you were so sorry for upsetting her, that wasn’t at all your intention, you were just worried for and wanting the best for them both.

Then I’d push hard for a compromise. What a great idea to give him the experience of nursery and new friends, but could you compromise so that he goes there 2/3 days a week, and you continue to have him the other days- that will give her a bit more spare cash to make her life easier, build whatever future she wants, yadda yadda.

She sounds depressed and immature. You sound lovely. But at the heart of it is this little boy so I think I’d suck it up to get him the best outcome.

That poor boy.. it sound like you daughter is not in the best place mentally at the moment which is hard. But this is his childhood.. I hope she finds the motivation to make things better

Poor little boy 😢

Like others, the thing that stuck out for me is how she can afford full time nursery! Is she an extremely high earner ?

She sounds depressed and in need of help herself.

However, she’s really damaging that little boy. Like, really seriously damaging him.

Wait how old is your dd?

And she has already got a new boyfriend?

She sounds irresponsible. Her poor son.

And how she's managed suddenly to enroll him in a nursery full time starting immediately when all the nurseries I know have waiting lists... So I would suspect the 'nursery' story immediately. In which case she's saying it to punish OP for daring to call her out.

She’s being abusive to her child. Are you going to let it continue?

It’s emotional abuse to withdraw from your child like that.

What struck me @TheOpenBee is what happened back in December and what conversations took place then. Your dd is the same age as mine and I can't help but wonder what emotional support she has had as well as the practical support and if there were any boundaries andnexoectations set at the time.

It sounds like a dreadful situation all around but also that your dd needs active parenting and possibly an intervention through parenting classes and support.

Like others I wonder what the reason for the breakup was.

It's a hard situation all round.

What a difficult situation to be in. Have you met her new boyfriend? If so what is he like? Does he even know she has a child?
I think you need to have a proper talk with your daughter and be there to provide stability for your Grandson. I think you are right to say something to your daughter. Your Grandson needs his mum, but she may need some emotional support too.
Best of luck to you all.

This is what I would do too.

she sounds depressed. She needs to want to seek help for that. In the meantime I would mummy the little boy for her, it’s what he needs

Basically this, people go through break ups, have a bad time, etc as adults but as parents you prioritise your kids and get on with it. You have been really patient already and tried to help but your DD has decided to throw her toys out. Let it play out, as hard as that will be.

She can do what she wants but it's a shame for the child involved.

Such a sad post. This was my dd also. Two little boys waiting for her to turn up one of whom used to go to bed to shorten the waiting. I stopped telling them when she said she was coming because I knew drinking and the latest man took precedence.

They lived full time with me ultimately. The eldest is now engaged and has bought a house. The youngest has struggled.

Your kindness and support for your grandson is so important. I so hope the nursery plan is a bluff. However she will.need to turn up to collect and this will not be 7 pm !

This is so sad for the child. I think you need to tell her bluntly and assertively that she is failing her son as a mother. He has lost his dad (at least partly) and her son should now be her number one priority. You need to be absolutely clear about the times you can care for him, and stick to it eg by taking him home yourself when she doesn't collect him directly after work. Basically it sounds as though your DD doesn't actually want him any more, how desperately sad for the little boy.

This post is just heartbreaking. I’m so glad you’ve come up with some really sound advice and I hope it helps the OP in how to support her GS. Sorry for your experience.

A very good point!!

It’s possible your daughter feels she can’t handle being a single mother.
Some young women are so lacking confidence and independence that they need a partner just to get through life. Her little boy has fallen by the wayside in her list of priorities as she prefers to concentrate on establishing a new partner, which of course is harder to do successfully when she already has a child.

None of that is an excuse of course but it’s possible your DD won’t be back to ‘normal’ until she has a live in partner to share the burdens of life, to love her and provide that family set up.

In the meantime your darling grand son suffers and your DD won’t get this time back. You and your DH already have a very special relationship with him that helps sustain him in his need for parental affection. it’s cruel that this routine should suddenly be rejected and replaced with full time nursery.

I would do what you can to plead with your daughter to see sense and limit nursery to five mornings. Maybe nursery won’t accept that now as full time gives them much needed funds to continue to run. But for the sake of your grandson do what you can to alleviate his plight. If you are up to it health wise, maybe you could even suggest that you will have him full time instead of nursery and take him to playgroups etc for socialisation. Maybe your daughter would be happy to save money that way.

You were not unreasonable at all OP. But I’m sorry you have to face the heartbreak of seeing him punished in this way for you daring to say the truth,
You have done your very best in the circumstances so far and I’m sure you will continue to try to do that now. All the best. I feel your pain.

Depressed or not, your daughter seems like an entitled, spoiled brat. I went through hell when my DC were 2&1 and my parents did everything they could to help me, but this? I know my parents would have wholly put their foot down and told me exactly what they thought. It's a terrible situation for you as you seem like wonderful grandparents. Your daughter is probably lonely after having a child at what seems a young age for that generation and perhaps has no friends at the same stage in life with a baby-if this is the case she needs to grow up and put her son before herself and her phone. I think you should be absolutely black and white about this with her. Phones are an absolute devil in the lives of babies and young children these days. I hope you can resolve this but I think if you use some tough love on your part now, you have nothing to lose. Good luck.

I think she’s blackmailing you and thinking this will force you to have him on those days. I mean, can she afford for him to be in nursery full time?

If she was my daughter I would be reading her the riot act.

ANd she’s not depressed, she’s got a new boyfriend!

Your Daughter is acting like a teenager, you need to sit her down and tell her she is damaging her child. Ignoring a child and having your face stuck in a phone is just down right abusive. If you can cope with having your Grandson then tell her you really want to look after him for the usual 3 days. Do this for your Grandson not your Daughter.

I agree with those suspecting she is just using the threat of full time nursery to make you give up and offer to have your DGS full time.

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no time for selfish people like her. She's not depressed, she's just obsessed with her new bf. I have actually met a few people like her including one who went on a 2 week holiday and left her DC with a cousin.

Your daughter is not thinking of her son right now. Perhaps nursery is a good idea, she'll have to pay and collect on time. When the child's sick, nursery won't take him. I'm sure you'll get asked to have grand child then, also on Saturdays when she's had enough! Leave her to it, she'll soon come back with the grand child when shes had enough! Your grand child will love nursery, so don't worry about that.

This. Her son, her responsibility. I’d let this play out, it sounds like she is trying to guilt you into saying you will basically take him and parent him as she CBA. Full time care will be expensive - you need to set boundaries and maybe offer to have him, say 2 or 3 days a week but no more as she is his mum, and frankly needs to act like it.