to feel annoyed about the phone situation?

[TheInternetNeverForgets]

My eldest daughter is 11.

She is without phone. She is literally the only girl in her class without one (fairly small school). She does have a smartwatch which she can use to message her close pals (although it doesn't use WhatsApp, just texts, so she’s not part of class WhatsApp or Snapchat etc) and that I can use to contact her when she’s out and about. She has no need for a phone. She hasn’t really asked for one up until now.

I really don’t agree with the use of smart phones for kids of that age. I don’t believe they are old/responsible enough to handle the issues that being constantly accessible and visible to their school friends can bring. There is no let up from any bullying or friendship issues. The scope for nasty behaviour is massive. There are so, so many reasons I am against this. I’m trying to protect her from it I guess.

Anyway. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that she’s being left out due to lack of phone. There’s a lot of in jokes she doesnt get. A lot of chat she misses out on. Class meet ups (although her friends mum is quite good at texting me to ensure she’s included, but not all the time). The pressure to cave and let her have a phone is increasing. I don’t want her to be a pariah. I want her to fit in with her peers.

So what choice do I have? And yet, I don’t believe that I am wrong in my views about phones for kids.

She’s like that one kid everybody knew back in the 70s whose family didn’t have a telly. The slightly weird, out of touch kid I always felt sorry for - who binge watched tv at other people’s houses if given half a chance.

Feeling a bit defensive?

This thread hit a nerve has it?
What a ridiculous thing to say

I think they will eventually, or rather I think they'll make dumb-ish phones that might be technically smartphones but that are ready-made specifically for kids.

Ten years ago the dominant vibe in threads like this on MN was very different. Tracking was criticised as snooping. People said not giving a child a phone was to not trust them enough. A lot of adults instinctively felt looking at a teenager's phone was like looking at their private diary and so it was none of their business.

For years I felt guilty that the restrictions on my kids phones were too much. Now I look back and wish they'd been even stronger. Yes I worried about bullying and porn and so on but I don't think I worried enough about addiction.

Back then there wasn't the will or the way, because the parental controls apps weren't as good. Hopefully now there's much more will from parents and other adults then it will gradually get easier and easier.

Nope - my kids are 22 and 20 and have each had smart phones since they were 11. I couldn’t be prouder of them and am not worried about any issues with them and their phones. They communicate with their friends on their phones quite a lot, and my daughter posts on social media a bit (my son can’t be bothered with it) but that’s about it really.

If you do get her a phone (although I’m with you on the subject op) absolutely do not let her have Snapchat.

i genuinely just feel sorry for op’s daughter.

I agree with you. I have a daughter the same age, luckily none of her friends have phones yet, but they all will in September for secondary. It’s going to be so so hard to avoid a smartphone but I’m psyching myself up for hard. I absolutely believe it’s the right thing to do. PPs saying ‘be a parent’, well I believe resisting is being a good parent. Itd be easier to give them smartphones but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions in their best interest. I feel we know too much about the dangers and downsides of smart phones for kids now to just happily give them one…

You are not wrong. I also feel frustrated but trapped. We are being dragged down by the sheer numbers of people who allow theif kids to have phones.

Doesnt sort the WhatsApp though, it physically doesnt allow it to be installed on my daughter's phone until she's 13.

There's a reason for that.

TheInternetNeverForgets

You can't have it both ways.

Either you think they are wrong for kids, and you don't allow your child to have one

Or you think she's missing out by not having one and they are a need "socially" and you teach her to use them sensibly, and she gets one.

You are BU to pretend it's a black and white scenario.
Also BU to be one of those parents who claim to be too superior to give their kids phone but had to because of the peer pressure.

Any belief is valid, but complaining that other parents are the problem is BU.

Just let her have it think of all the chats and interactions she's missing out on. And I say this as someone who recently let my daughter have a phone. I police it and had no problems

Your motives are valid but you are holding your daughter back. You can get her a smartphone but lock it down so it cannot access the things you are worried about as far as possible.

They are wrong for kids. And she is missing out socially. Both of those things are true. This thread is strengthening my resolve to hold firm. I don’t believe I am “superior” at all (that’s your defensiveness speaking) but I do believe that giving a child a smartphone at 11 is wrong.

Read 'The Anxious Generation'.
My children will not be getting smartphones. One is 11 now and knows they will not have one.
I think in 20 years time they will be thanking us.

I am not defensive, but what do you want from the thread?

I do believe that giving a child a smartphone at 11 is wrong.
then.. don't give her one?

Other parents won't take the phone off their kids because you believe it's wrong.
I am happy with my own choices.

You don't want to give one but you feel frustrated about it. It's on you, I am not frustrated.

Why?! Thats such a ridiculous thing to say

This is such a good idea!

Your daughter’s childhood is over the day you get her a phone. Let her be a kid for longer without the stress the whole world in your pocket brings. She will thank you in 20 years tine when there is more research on it.

She can still be left out even if she gets a smartphone. Secret whatsapp groups and whatnot.

How old is she, how long has she had it?

Not really, because kids in the 70s weren't coercing other kids to video taoe themselves doing things, and then passing that tape round to their mates, not were they forcing kids to watch porn on the TVs...

where was your child, and how old was he when he was forced to watch porn on a phone? as opposed to watch a stolen video tape on the family video player during a sleepover

HOW was he coerced into making videos? It's getting very similar to one of the latest Black Mirror.

It's all very well saying good parents should get their DC smartphones but restrict apps etc, but I don't have anything remotely close to the free time, brain or energy to research and learn the tech skills and even if I did my DC would know how to get round any controls. I've spent ages looking into it over the last 2 years and can't make head or tail of any of it.

The most sensible suggestion I've seen here is to allow your DD to use Whatsapp on your phone, so you can oversee all interactions on it.

Our school has a brought in a "no phones until final year" rule this year, so no one has a phone or those that didn't sign up for it have but are very few