to feel annoyed about the phone situation?

[TheInternetNeverForgets]

My eldest daughter is 11.

She is without phone. She is literally the only girl in her class without one (fairly small school). She does have a smartwatch which she can use to message her close pals (although it doesn't use WhatsApp, just texts, so she’s not part of class WhatsApp or Snapchat etc) and that I can use to contact her when she’s out and about. She has no need for a phone. She hasn’t really asked for one up until now.

I really don’t agree with the use of smart phones for kids of that age. I don’t believe they are old/responsible enough to handle the issues that being constantly accessible and visible to their school friends can bring. There is no let up from any bullying or friendship issues. The scope for nasty behaviour is massive. There are so, so many reasons I am against this. I’m trying to protect her from it I guess.

Anyway. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that she’s being left out due to lack of phone. There’s a lot of in jokes she doesnt get. A lot of chat she misses out on. Class meet ups (although her friends mum is quite good at texting me to ensure she’s included, but not all the time). The pressure to cave and let her have a phone is increasing. I don’t want her to be a pariah. I want her to fit in with her peers.

So what choice do I have? And yet, I don’t believe that I am wrong in my views about phones for kids.

I really hope so.

Class what's apps are the work of the devil in last year of primary especially.

Mine had phones but weren't allowed to join class whats app as every single year in last year of primary something awful happens in it. They were allowed say group of 5 max. I set their what's app so people couldn't add them to groups without permission.

At least if you give her a phone at this point you can monitor and have some control over what she’s sees. At this age she may still be amenable to letting you help her navigate what is and isn’t appropriate. You can also get her in to habits of sensible time limits. Giving it once in secondary/ at age 13 & she’ll be a lot more secretive & glued to it.

You can put WhatsApp on an iPad, which is really under family control, so she can see groups and message without getting notifications or the low level constant-ness from a phone.

I think the tide is turning a bit, my DS is in a class where less than half have smart phones because parents agreed amongst themselves not to, he's nearly 12. The high school he is going to go to has also just banned them, so that might also minimise the problems from not having one.

My 11yo has a smart phone locked down much like your daughter's smart watch. No Internet access, can't download apps, she doesn't have WhatsApp but can message her close friends. I check it regularly although she doesn't use it much. The main thing is so I can track her.

No kid that age should have to have a phone in 2025 to keep up with their peers. They shouldn’t be allowed to use social media so young either. And I count WhatsApp as social media. If all the parents just gave their kids basic phones and limited all the bullshit apps they don’t need, it would help everyone out.

And probably thanking her!!!

Don’t give her a smartphone. Get a dumb phone (like the old ones) unlimited texts and calls but no data.

They need to make a dumb phone that has a tracker on it. That, I would buy. That’s why I went for smart watch over dumb phone.

No it isn't. It's kicking the issue down the road for a few years until the child eventually has to get a phone, and they're the weird kid dealing with it at 16 when all their mates dealt with it at 12.

Times change constantly and parenting needs to keep up with those changes.

@TheInternetNeverForgets

Despite what you’ve said a few times, you don’t actually HAVE to give in to this.

I’m not saying it will be easy but have the courage of your convictions and do the right thing by your daughter, and know that you’ll also be part of changing the tide on this so that future parents and kids don’t have to battle it in the same way.

Be the change.

Until they are old enough to handle the responsibility that comes with it though.

Yes I lurch between this and guilt. I have my stance. I feel very strongly about it. But I do wish that it wasn’t my daughter who has to be affected by that. If that makes sense.

“Times change constantly and parenting needs to keep up with those changes”

This is very very true. And the thing that’s changed most recently is that we now know how harmful smartphones are for developing brains (for all brains really, but especially kids). Parenting needs to keep up with that knowledge and adapt accordingly.

Spot on.

I’m 100% with you op. I hate it. And I’m praying they ban smartphones for kids asap so I can dodge the bullet. It feels like we are massively up against it from the majority of people. My dd is 7 and 3 kids in her class have a phone.
I honestly think Wel view smartphones and unlimited internet access the same as we now view smoking indoors. They are damaging a generation and it scares me. Don’t really know what the answer is but here for solidarity with you.

All these people acting like you are not already patenting her in the way you see fit.

Also they say they monitor closely but photos on Snapchat disappear after a certain number of seconds so God knows what is being sent.

Wholeheartedly agree.

Stop giving children phones!!!

Stay strong OP. You are not only protecting her but also teaching her the value of true friendship and not needing to be in the clique and social media to be liked.

You're part of the problem.

There was a child in my class who was only allowed to play with sustainable toys at home. He didn't watch tv and he didn't know any of the characters from cartoons
He really struggled to make friends because he had no common interests. He was the weird kid.
Don't make her the weird kid. Just limit it.

You are doing the right thing. For every positive the others claim to get from having a phone in primary school, there will be 1000 negatives. Have you read “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathon Haidt, and do you follow the Smartphone Free childhood movement? Both of these will give you confidence that you are not alone, and that you are doing the right thing.
Have you investigated dumb phones at all? They might be a compromise for secondary school.

I agree with you totally.
I think the posters all telling you to get her a phone because it’s 2025 are being sensitive because they have already relented and don’t want their choices questioned.

I have a 7yo. He’s never had a tablet, not allowed to watch YouTube, even supervised, has never played Fortnite or Roblox or any of that shite, and has never asked to be able to or mentioned it.
I am hoping to god that by the time he gets to secondary school it’ll be so much easier to hold firm. It terrifies me, especially as even if I don’t let him have one, it’ll only take one child whose parent is totally reckless to show him something he can’t unsee.
That doesn’t mean that I should relent and get him one anyway

Why should a 12 year old child have to deal with potentially seeing images of child sexual abuse,. Seeing porn , being sent images of extreme violence, being bullied, being harassed, being coerced etc?

WHY?

@NameChangedForThis2025completely agree

Honestly, read Jonathan Haidt. You don’t need to track your kids.