Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

There are a lot of comments here from people who evidently aren’t getting 3hrs sleep a night or bitten/bruised etc.

OP - nobody in this house is going downstairs at 4am either. That’s not when the day starts, certainly not at the speed it would if we did. If we started our downstairs routine at 4am, we’d be falling apart by 6.

If the only room he’s in is the one that best meets his needs, and the house meets his needs - don’t move him or home. If there is anything that calms him for that period, I’d assume you’re already doing it or planning to. It’s not like you love the 4am noise party. Look at soundproofing as you’ve said, maybe try one conversation with her, and then leave her to get on with it.

Your priority is your son, end of story. You can try to find measures to help her, but don’t make your life even harder in the process, it’s already tough enough and anyone with an ounce of compassion can see that.

What did you do in your old home? Was he quieter there, so maybe he might settle down once you have been there longer? Or did you have soundproofing there? If he was waking there at 4.30am I am surprised you haven't had to deal with neighbours being upset before.
Or was the noise part of the reason for the move and you had to leave the old home?

Yeah, didn’t think I could feel any less valued as a carer than being told a man should be sleeping in my bed. Never mind my own feelings towards that, or the complexities of it all

I agree whole heartedly that it must be beyond awful to hear someone up and noisy at 4.30am. I don’t deny it.

The problem is the way the neighbour has gone about it. Lying about swearing from my son. And taking an instant dislike towards us on introduction.

Anyway, as I’ve said a few times, OT are being contacted regarding soundproofing as yes, I would never want anyone subjected to this level of noise forever more.

And no, things aren’t to such a degree that I will consider residential care yet. I feel I can go on given appropriate respite and school time —residential care was threatened by me to even achieve this level of respite in the first place—

I will also add yet again that the box room can’t be used. I have given a detailed explanation, but again it’s worth pointing out that it’s connected to one of her children’s rooms too so not great either way round if it was possible in the first place

But what are your plans @YourMintReader

Because this can’t be sustainable for either of you? He sounds extremely dystegulated - what calms him and keeps him happy?

He’s usually more happy than anything else actually. The problem is, he’s never calm lol. Which is where most of the noise comes from

Water keeps him calm (the bathroom is incredibly noisy so no, bathroom not a good idea in the early morning!) And I cannot physically stand there at 4.30am supervising water play

He is incredibly active and needs constant movement to regulate

You can swap rooms with him....so he has your room. Simple

If an Occupational therapist has recommended the bathroom adaptations, speak to them about sound proofing as it could be seen as an adaptation to meet his needs. Otherwise, speak to the Housing association about whether they can help with sound proofing or if they have other ideas.
Consider placing wardrobes against walls that are attached to your neighbours, this will reduce sound travel. Have lost of things that will muffle sound (if safe) eg. Curtains, carpet, cushions, rugs, wall hangings etc.

For the first 100th time, his stuff and equipment doesn’t fit. Simple

Is there anything the housing association could do to help with sound proofing indoors? I remember looking into it for internal walls in my own home when my sons vocal tics were disturbing his sister at night.

VR headset sounds like it could help. Waterfalls and the like and he could perhaps feel like he is exploring without leaving the house?

OP - would it be best to get this thread moved to SEN to get proper advice and experiences?

Parents of children with additional needs are unvalued, sleep deprived and constantly on high alert whilst simultaneously trying to think of creative ways of supporting their children...if it was as easy as "moving bedrooms" then OP would have already thought of it.

Sorry?

Wow - that's such an unkind thing to say.

What an awful thing to say.

Try to have furniture on the adjoining wall to deaden the sound if it's not going to make it worse (banging doors for example. )

It's shit . Sometimes they just won't be quiet. You can do as much as possible but it still doesn't work. The support you get is minimal. (He gets respite so he must have very high needs)

God this thread is awful. OP, you’ve been very patient. I’d stop engaging if I were you at this stage.

1. no, don’t move. I’m not sure where you thought to move to anyway but as you say, detached housing association houses suitable for your son’s needs are not exactly numerous. Kindly, anywhere you move to you’re going to have the same problem.
2. You’re going to have to develop a thick(er) skin (in your position I’m sure it’s already pretty thick). The neighbour will complain, the HA will contact you, you will explain, and round and round we go. Yes it’s shit for your neighbour. No there’s nothing you can do about it. If the HA are worried, maybe they will magic up that detached house in a middle of a field for you.
3. Do look into sound proofing as the one sensible suggestion on this thread (What’s with all the focus on bedrooms? I’m sorry, and again kindly, with this level of need I doubt it’ll make that much difference if he’s in the bedroom or downstairs. Where are all the suggestions for the neighbour, who I assume doesn’t have a 7k specialist bed, to move bedrooms?)

You’re doing an amazing job OP. That you’re even considering that it’s up to you to move houses at this stage says a lot about you as a person. I’m sorry for everything you have to deal with. I hope you read this message, and the others that are supportive, but I also hope you disengage with this thread because I doubt it’s adding anything positive to your life.

I f i was you neighbour op it would not bother me one bit.
My own neighbour has screaming fits at any given time day and night early morning just anytime.
Screaming banging swearing shouting just loud you can hear it out side in side.
But my neighbour can not help it so i just get on with my own life and dont judge them.
It dont bother me if im woken at stupid aclock in the morning or through the nights with a melt down i just think oh dear i hope they are ok.
Its a sad world that people seem judge others far to much without even understanding them first.

This is an awful situation for all involved and I hope that OT are able to offer some support. I feel for your neighbours though just as your home should be your safe haven theirs should be too and they are likely struggling with working and school after such disturbed sleep as well as feeling stressed by the noise. I feel it’s unfair to expect them to move they chose the house because it met their needs and perhaps they don’t want to be forced to move, maybe they can’t afford to sell and move. While she may not have gone about it in the right way she is not unreasonable to approach the HA to highlight the issues affecting her and her children’s wellbeing and ask for solutions to be considered

Thank you @ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm

Gosh, I really feel for you. My best friend is in a similar situation but she owns her house as does her neighbour and neither of them are going to move any time soon so they just scowl at each other.

I’ll give you the same advice as I did my friend (although my friend hasn’t taken it!).

If I were you I’d go over with a bottle of wine when the respite carers are in and try and explain the situation and what your life is like and say you completely understand why living next door to you isn’t a walk in the park and are completely open to suggestions to improve the situation.

At the end of the day there is nothing you can do to change your son, if you could, you would have for your own sake never mind your neighbours.

But maybe if she had better insight she may have more compassion. Maybe she thinks that at 4:30am you are fast asleep which is why he’s bouncing off the walls. Perhaps she thinks he’s loud in the garden as you are chilling watching TV from your bed. And just maybe if you explain what your life looks like, her resent may dissipate. She may come up with minor suggestions you haven’t thought of that would go a little way to making her life easier living next door.

I don’t think you have anything to lose.

If you're autistic, surely you are aware that autism is a huge spectrum and that the OP's son is not going to be exactly like you?

I absolutely understand that the OP is doing everything she can and the situation is very difficult. But being unhappy being woken at 430, even by a child, doesn’t make someone ‘horrible and selfish’

You need to look at soundproofing your house. Anything else is unreasonable. Your neighbour must be losing her damn mind. I'd hate that.