Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I just want to add to my previous post to say I completely agree with other PP’s that you definitely shouldn’t move. You have every right to live wherever you want. My suggestion was just to try and make neighbourly relations better as being in a war with your NDN is probably just adding to your stress levels.

So I have a 7 yr old, our problem isn't early rising it's late sleeping, without melatonin up until he was 6 bedtime was often after midnight (despite a rock solid bedtime routine before any starts and his 3 yr old sister has the same routine and goes to sleep in half an hour) and he'd be screaming and tantrumminb from frustration at being overtired and unable to sleep. Melatonin saved our existence.

However, I survived on 2-3 hours broke sleep a night until that point. I didn't keep him screaming in his bedroom for hours. If there had been anywhere in the house he'd be happy I'd have utilized it and I'd rather have been attacked and frequently was by my very tall and well built child, than keep the street awake.

You need to take him downstairs, set him up for the day etc.we would walk the dog late at night with our son to calm him, I'd have him up and on a park by 7am when at his most hyperactive, we use late night as sessions at the local trampoline park, I'd absolutely rather set up water play at 4am than have him screaming the house down.

He's your child, your responsibility and that includes keeping yourself safe from being bitten at 4.30am and drowsy rather than having him scream the house down. I get how awful it is but you need to find solutions that as much as possible don't impact others where they could instead impact you. As long as your child needs are met.

Can you have his bedroom downstairs if he needs the space and the living room one of the bedrooms.. that way if he starts making noise at 4.30am he is not near the neighbours room?

Melatonin is fab. I use it as an adult on the spectrum and it’s been life changing.

It astounds me sometimes the limited understanding people have for high needs autism.

The child needs a specialist bed for his safety and to allow his mum to sleep, these can't really be moved once assembled and they're space permitting.

Transitions are hard for many autistic people, even the transition from downstairs to upstairs and vice versa. Sometimes it can be hard to just leave a room. Dysregulated noise is usually much louder, a longer duration and much more complex than vocal stimming.

Not all houses can be soundproofed effectively. Sometimes the soundproofing has to be done in both affected properties to make much difference. Not saying it shouldn't be tried but it's not the foolproof solution that some think it to be.

Bedrooms downstairs aren't the best solution as downstairs rooms often contain more hazards than upstairs rooms such as kitchens with knives, kettles, hobs, microwaves or access to front and back doors and windows which are easy to elope from.

The OP isn't being difficult it is just that many solutions offered aren't practical in real life.

It's not really fair to suggest this child can't access his garden, we have moved a long way from shutting our autistic children away so they can't be seen or heard.

It's barely survival mode when you're consistently not getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and respite care is truly a postcode lottery.

I wouldn't want to be the NDN in this case but someone is going to have to be OPs NDN. The NDN has been vitriolic in fabricating situations that haven't happened, and has not been factual in their complaints. Sometimes complaints are needed to get the ball rolling for certain support to be offered but outright lying and refusing to collaborate on a solution is disgusting behaviour.

It's a situation where if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem and if there is to be any meaningful solution the neighbour is going to have to accept and tolerate that the OPs sons behaviour can't change, there are very limited environmental changes that can be made in OPs property and they'll have to work together towards a solution if they're both to remain in those properties.

And if op said he was dysregulated and couldn't be moved I'd agree but she just says it's harder for her to watch him

She has said he would be noisier and she has also said that he would have a lot more excitement and physical behaviours. That's the opposite of regulation.

I’m sorry for the position you’re in but it must be a nightmare for your neighbour, probably getting 5 hours sleep a night ( and presumably her kids are also being woken at that time) this is most likely affecting their school work /her work. If you are letting him play in the garden all evening it means they can’t relax in there’s after work/school. The kids are probably trying to do school work.

your son needs to be in a non-party walled room. As soon as he wakes at 4:30’he needs to go downstairs. he needs to not be screaming and shouting in the garden for hours. Take him to a park.

im sorry, this must be difficult for you, you need to speak to the housing association to try and sort out the issues. Having been in your neighbours shoes this is probably severely affecting her family’s life, physical and mental health.

She said he would have more physical behaviours but deffo didn’t say he’d be noisier

Can you go round with a bottle of wine and flowers for a chat? And just say, I appreciate it must be frustrating having to deal with noise. What is bothering you the most? Early mornings or whatever. And then try and work on finding a solution. If that means taking him to another part of the house and not just letting him vocalise loudly alone in his room, or the garden. Obviously I don’t know your son, or his age/needs, but I think there are ways around this and perhaps you could think more laterally about how to do this. I’m sure others on special needs boards could offer helpful suggestions.

My suggestion is heavy floor sound-absorbing mats and tiles for the walls. Check Amazon, "sound proofing".
I might try tacking the sound proofing blankets on the bedroom walls first and tiles to the ceiling as a start.

Moving is tough as it is. You have a lot on your plate. One step at a time. 🩷

The extreme hyperactivity and running/bouncing, shouting, thumping, will probably make a lot more noise though, in addition to what I’ve said up thread

She did.

But the NDN priority is herself and her family. The situation will probably be having severe effects on her health, her family’s health, school work/work.,

The op needs to mss as he adjustments to ensure the neighbourhoods aren’t disturbed. It’s a difficult situation for her, people can see this, but you as ldd as once to have compassion for the neighbours who are suffering too.

You may be able to get help with sound proofing with a disabled facilities grant if Housing Association can’t help.

Can one of the downstairs rooms be repurposed as his bedroom so at least when he wakes at 4.30am it’s not next to neighbour’s bedroom? I know it’s not your fault or your son’s but I feel sorry for NDN’s teens who must be going to school feeling knackered, particularly the eldest who must be getting ready for GCSEs.

I understand how difficult it must be for you but I’d be so pissed off, frustrated and upset at being woken at 4:30am every morning

Honestly I think I would definitely look for a move. To have the added stress of my neighbours being driven demented would just be another thing I didn’t need. I’d explain to council and ask for a detached house .

Move him downstairs?

I have just posted something very similar to this on a thread and I got hounded for letting my child me loud in my garden .

do what’s best for you and your children that’s all that matters ! Don’t let her dated opinions affect you. Although easier said than done as I just cried at the abuse I got on my thread for similar x

I understand how difficult it must be and that your DS can’t help it, however I have disabilities, too, and if I was being woken up at 4.30am every morning I’d end up in hospital. DH wouldn’t be able to do his job either, so I have a lot of sympathy for your NDN. I hope you manage to get the sound proofing sorted out.

MIL and FIL live next door to a child who sounds similar to yours, luckily they’re both deaf and refuse to wear their hearing aids, so she got lucky. However, when she moved in she went round and explained to them that her son has SEN and she also gave them some earplugs. I don’t think you should move. I think you and your son have every right to be there, but maybe go round and explain to her what’s going on and offer some ear plugs (decent ones)? I feel for her, especially because one of her kids is exam age, but at the same time your son can’t help it.

In your position, I would definitely ask for a move to a more suitable property. While I know you are in a hard situation, I do have sympathy with the NDN. It's just not acceptable to be woken at 4.30am every day for an indefinite period of time. A baby is a passing thing, there's no end in sight for your neighbour who could face years of this. Your neighbour's needs and health matter as much as yours. I would honestly just look for something that will eliminate this issue, rather than moving somewhere where it will just impact different neighbours, because that will also make your life a lot easier in turn.

I don't think you should have to move if you don't want to, @YourMintReader . However, having lived next door to someone with a penchant for complaining about everything and anything I do to my LL and the local council, I would consider it in your shoes. Neighbours like that can make your life a living hell, and you've enough to put up with by the sounds of it without the added stress of living next door to a tosser.

I know you've said you can't guarantee your next neighbors won't be the same, but I do think the majority of adults are understanding and kind. We have an autistic neighbour. Their house is not attached to ours, their garden backs onto mine, but I work nights sometimes, so daytime noise can bother me. I also cannot sleep with the window closed due to asthma and allergies, so I can hear the early morning screaming to,o and it does wake me up.

I won't lie and say it doesn't annoy me. It does, the same way the birds annoy me when they wake me up. I would never complain. I understand it is no one's fault. I also get a lot of happiness from living next to them. The noise isn't always screaming, sometimes it is laughing or shrieking with joy. Sometimes I can hear his parents laughing and playing with him. It always makes me smile.

I feel bad for you and the neighbour. It’s a really difficult situation.

Is it worth applying for funding for a) soundproofing b) sleep help via a charity ?
https://www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/grants-for-families/

Also would blackout blinds + blackout curtains help ?