Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I have sympathy for both sides.
As I get older I find noise harder and harder to tolerate and equally sleep harder to come by due to perimenopause so I see why neighbour may be struggling. However see it’s not easy for you either.

Ideally both sides are as considerate as possible, soundproof where possible or arrange furniture/rooms to dull sounds.

Precisely. It’s like the neighbour had to push and push, for her to even start thinking about doing something, she wasn’t proactive at all because she evidently doesn’t care.

The neighbour will be thinking you’re not letting me rest so I won’t let you rest (in another way) and the noise complaints will continue. Rightly so too.

And it’s still not clear why the room is “too small” to sit in with the kid at 4.30am for one hour - even if it’s allegedly too small to sleep in there.

Are you for real??

Get the sofa bed, when the carer is over they get your bed and you create the space in the 3rd room for your son away from the neighbours wall.

why won’t this work?

There's a garden that backs onto our garden where a child that I am fairly sure has special needs is let out to scream every time the weather is nice. It's a pitch and volume that goes right through you and there is nowhere I can go in my home where I can get away from it. Earplugs don't work. Headphones don't work. It has not got better over the years as the child has grown, it has only got louder and more prolonged. It puts you constantly on edge, and I dread to think how the next door neighbours cope if the child is also doing it indoors. I haven't heard it yet this spring, so I hope they've finally moved.

Whether or not you move, I think if a stim is self-destructive, or damaging to other people, you have to work on it. My brother is autistic and used to repeatedly bang his head against walls (he also used to bite my mother and I until one day I bit him back and he never did it again - don't flame me I was very young). My parents couldn't take the stance that "He can't help it", and "There's nothing we can do" for my brother's own safety, so whilst it was a job to stop him doing it, they persevered.

Sorry you're getting a hard time OP. It sounds so tough for you and your son and the neighbour is an extra worry. Can't believe some of these replies. I don't have anything productive to say other than big hugs you must be exhausted.

If he wakes up at 4.30 and so do you...why don't you move to the 3rd bedroom and snooze while he is doing his thing?

I know it's not your fault but it's definitely not your neighbours problem! I would be desperate in their situation.

Because all of his carers are men. They’re men because they’re fastest and deemed by the care company as most suitable. But I really, really don’t want men in my bed.

The 3rd bedroom, as I say, is I think wall wise next to one of her children’s bedrooms and very small with just a single bed, no space.

I can’t care for him in there for that time - it isn’t enough space. I would be bruised up to my eye balls even for that one hour timing

Considering this, I wouldn’t move.

I would look into adding soundproofing though just to make everyone’s lives more manageable. 4:30am is admitted far too early, it would drive me insane.

What’s the plan in the future?

If he’s 9 now, and the care company think he needs exclusive care by men, and he’s beating you up so badly… realistically, is home care going to remain possible?

Surely you can’t spend forever being beaten up, bruised and bitten, and he’s only going to get stronger; let alone the impact of 4 hours sleep a night

is it possible that your neighbour could complain to environmental health or take it further with the Housing association? If it is from 4:30 am then that could be seen as unsocial due to the hours if the noise is loud enough and you or the HA could be forced to take some action (which might be to move, I suppose, if there genuinely is absolutely nothing you can do to minimise the noise). Is there any way to look at soundproofing his room? Not sure if there could be grants available or not, but possibly worth considering? Or you will just have to put up with her complaining to you, the HA etc. I don’t see that you can stop her from complaining, given she has an understandable reason to. I think you may need to look at trying to find a detached property, if at all possible (I’m well aware not easy to do).

However much I sympathise that it is not be your fault that your son is doing this, I do feel more sympathy for you neighbour. Surely you can see why your neighbour is struggling and complaining? I would take it as far as I could in her position- I might feel sorry for you but, equally, it is not at all reasonable to be waking her/everyone in her home at 4:30am on a very regular basis.

And the neighbour really really doesn’t want your kid waking her and her kids up at 4.30 am

as I said in my initial post which I truly do have sympathy for you but it’s becoming increasingly difficult with the can’t to every suggestion perhaps given his violence, residential care would be helpful for you both

you’re exhausted understandably and you need to take care of yourself too as well as keeping yourself safe. Perhaps in this really difficult time residential care with some time at home will help you enormously

Could you save up for some acoustic panels on the party walls , it might cut the noise down a bit .

I don’t get the posters saying ‘get a detached house with a big garden’. Life ain’t that easy especially as the OP is in HA housing! It’s hard enough if you’re able to buy. If she’s got a child with disabilities and can’t afford to buy, of course she should have the stability and affordability of social housing, as those housing providers are generally more sympathetic than private landlords.

Christ. I can't believe some of the responses here.
OP I really feel for you, you are doing so well caring for your son, and you've clearly already got things working as well as they can.

You've already considered all options with rooms etc. No, you shouldn't have to move.

Leave space for hope that things might improve for you in future. Your son might develop in a different way and this could one day be a distant memory.
It must be constant added stress to think of your neighbour complaining when you can't do anything about it. Would you consider dropping a letter round just saying you are aware it must be hard for her, that you're doing all you can to minimise any impact on neighbours, and also that you're going to ask OT about soundproofing? She might be more understanding if she knows you're trying your best. Or maybe not, but you can't control her reactions.
You could also tell HA that you think you need a detached house due to impact on neighbours, if you want, then maybe one will come up in future. Less stress for you in a detached.
It's not your fault

You need to move him rooms. It doesn't matter that it's just a box room (or move him into the other room), you can't keep doing this to your neighbour.

I have explained repeatedly why that won’t work

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and that you are doing an amazing job in a challenging situation. Personally I would be too mortified of myself to be complaining about a well looked after child next door but I can see how the 4.30am wake ups would be driving her potty. Her giving out about garden noise is completely unreasonable.

Definitely don’t move. You sound like you have a perfect house. Look into the sound proofing, focus on reducing that night noise and then you will just have to hold your head up high and ignore her.

People are acting like its really care for social to agree to put kid in residential care? They dont do this unless they have exhausted absolutely everything- and complaints from a neighbour isnt going to change this especially if its the first time. And letting a man sleep in OPs bed???? Have you considered that the carer AND OP dont want that?? Sorry but OP deserves dignity and a degree of comfort in her own home as well

You really need to move him so that the noise that he makes first thing in the morning is not on an adjoining wall. It may not be the ideal room and it may not be ideal for you, but it's really not ok to have him waking them up every morning at 4:30. You need to prioritize making sure that this doesn't happen however tough it is (and I do get that it is tough)

As she's said many times, OP cannot move him to another bedroom as he has a specialist safety bed that won't fit in the other rooms. It's not that she doesn't want to change his bedroom, she can't.

This is why its so hard having a disabled child. Because OP shouldn’t, but its very hard to get the alternative. Unfortunately in this country its likely she will

I really feel for you OP, I know your life must be incredibly hard.
I also really feel for the neighbour. I would have gone insane by this point if I was woken at 4.30am every morning for 6 weeks and with no end in sight. I couldn’t accept that situation.
(I know the OP has no end as it’s her life, unfortunately. But it’s not the neighbours).

You need to look into soundproofing urgently. Look at temporary methods you can use as the social services OT will not be able to get long term options in very quickly at all.
As much as it’s not ideal, you do need to look at reconfiguring your house to minimise disturbance to your neighbour. Less ideal for you but a bit better for them.
You can’t change your son’s behaviour. I understand that. But you also cannot carry on as things are.

You haven't said why he can't go downstairs in a dining room or similar unless I missed it.

Are you really sure you can't fit his bed in your room. It's unlikely to have two small box rooms, usually it's 2 double rooms and a box.

You said why you apparently can't put him in the boxroom but you said you didn't want to put him in your room because he would "frolic and break stuff".