Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

They know talking to the parents about it will be futile.

Look at all the “tough shit, I’m miserable so you can be, too” attitudes in this thread alone.

Or they sleep through it
Or they are simply understanding
Or they have made some adjustments and it works

Plenty of other reasons too.

All of this makes me think the NDN is really really struggling mentally with this. I do wonder if this isn’t the first time the NDN has been in this position - I wonder we Jo was in that house before the OP

But what should the NDN do. It’s probably having severe impact on every aspect of hers and her kids lives.

I posted a question to the OP. I asked her if the school had equipment there to help them care for her son that she did not have at home.

I asked her if she had regular discussions with the staff about managing her son, and if they could help her.

I don't make statements. I am disabled. If you knew the capabilities of some NDNs in their efforts to make you leave your home, you would not be so nasty to me, who only has the OPs interest at heart.

She does not have to put up with the situation. I do not see why she should feel she has to move IF she doesn't want to. In my post I told her why the NDN might be showing such animosity and said they both have the human right to the enjoyment of their property. In her case, she has a DS who is severely disabled and she should not have to fight in court for him. The EASS will advise her. I told her this. I do not expect her to tell me if she has or not. She is far to busy and worried. For her to see you pulling apart a positive post must be heartbreaking, and you have no right to do that. She has a RIGHT to the proper advise and service. Do not put her off. It doesn't help.

I have been helped several times by the EASS, which link I included in my post. My disability is a recognised one, and although not the same, the OP's DS has a recognised disability. The Equality and Human Rights Commission do not help everyone. You have to have one of the recognised disabilities in order for them to step in and advise you. It is what they are there fore. Those who do not fall into that category usually have to take legal advice from a lawyer in the first instance, and the EASS with advise on that.

It is for the OP to decide whether to answer questions from posters and to take advice. It is not for you to question another poster and to disagree on such a serious matter.

Id you are on the side of the NDN you should be honest and say so.

It would. The NDN can do what I advised the OP to do, which is to consult the EASS. They can discuss the situation with the education authority, social services and see what the legal situation is. It cannot be resolved by either one, and there are organisations set up to help in the situation.

The OP is vulnerable, just as much as is her DS. I understand her plight. I know the lengths to which NDNs go to get rid of people they do not like.

I hope she follows my advice and contacts the EASS, the advisory service of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, because her son suffers from a recognised disability. Not everyone is helped by the EASS: only those who come under one of the headings for them to act. Other people without disability have to consult lawyers in the first place.

One of our legal Human Rights is the enjoyment of our property. I don't know if the Housing Association who placed the OP in the house are familiar with the Deeds of the house or not. Who does? They have access to them, and can see if the deeds contain covenants which apply to the owner of the other home as well. The house next door is in private ownership. That family may have difficulty selling the property if they own it, but they are in no worse position than the Housing Association.

In fact, they may have the ability to buy the property from that owner, which is why the situation is a lot more complicated than perhaps the OP and the NDN realise. They both have equal rights. For my own part, I do not think the OP should disrupt their lives any more, but that is something only the professionals can decide.

If the housing association were able to buy the house, then they could put another mother with a special needs child in that house.

IT IS A SUGGESTION ONLY: please, posters, no more ridiculing me more than you have already. (that is not directed at your post).

The EASS are really the only organisation who can do that dispassionately, because they know the law and are familiar with other similar cases throughout Britain and Europe. Local authorities can help to some extent, but very often they are limited by budget, and the queues for advice are longer.

Please don't tell me what I do and do not understand. You do not have the ability to get inside people's minds.

Stop commenting on responses because you are putting the wrong interpretations and emphases' on comments made by others who are trying to help the OP deal with a very serious problem.

I am really quite surprised, and not a little shocked at the voting. More people say the OP is being unreasonable than not?

Why?

By virtue of the fact that her DS is innocent of wrongdoing, so is the OP. There is something more sinister here though. Many posts in favour of the OP and attempting to help her are being scorned by those who side with the NDN. Perhaps the NDN has enlisted more help than the OP can?

It is not a case for argument so much as how to help. Once something degenerates into a base argument and helpful suggestions ridiculed, the thread is of no use to the OP.

Does your GP prescribe the Melatonin? Please do not think I am judging. I am just interested and you need not reply if you do not want to.

If helps older adults, but younger adults and children with long term sleep problems can take metatonin if a specialist prescribes it.

I say this in case posters think it is an over the counter medicine. In some places it is, but it still needs caution as there are side effects.

From her post which began the thread, I thought the OP needed help in a very serious situation. I think she intended it to be that way.

To discover that the votes show that more voters think her to be unreasonable than do not, must be very depressing for her, although I suppose it is just as helpful to know what she is up against as it is to know that people are trying to help her, so I suppose in a way the vote is educational, if not reassuring.

She is asking for help with a NDN who is making her life a misery, not the meaning of stimming. For goodness sake, be helpful to her, not running me down.

I don't matter: she does.

In one of your previous comments, when encouraging OP to talk to the school, you said it was bad behaviour. Of course that isn't understanding autism. I don't need to get inside anyone's minds when it is right there in black and white.

I'll comment as I like, thanks.

She hasn't come back in ages. As I said, I doubt she's reading anymore because I know I wouldn't be considering some comments.

It is not my place to be sympathetic to the NDN. It is the OP who wants the help. She is vulnerable, a mother of a special needs child. The NDN is in a better position. I do not know the neighbour, so I cannot judge.

As a homeowner, she has the same rights as the tenant next door. She has the same channels of help as does the OP, yet she is making the OP's life a misery.

I feel sad that more people think she is unreasonable that not. I have been on the receiving end of NDN and I am not tied to my wheelchair, just use it when my legs don't work so well. If you knew what NDNs are capable of, you might just be more sympathetic to the OP.

I hope the situation can be resolved peacefully and legally. I pointed the OP in the direction where she may be able to get that resolution without having to uproot herself and DS, because it isn't as simple as moving house. The move might involve a new school, new social workers, new everything. That is hard, and it seems that complaining neighbours do not recognise the difficulties faced by mothers with children of special needs.

Well at that I am not surprised. If she was able to keep coming back she would be able to cope. She cannot do both.

In any case, if she takes advice from an organisation she has to contact them and wait for them to respond. None of us has any right to expect her to reply to our posts.

I certainly do not expect her to waste her valuable time and energy responding to me. The poor mother has said so much already. I am happy to wait until she has some news for us, but that could take weeks.

I don't think she'll be back to update either. Of course, she doesn't have to anyway as you said.

Don't let posters like this grind you down. I don't know why they have to be so nasty.

12 hours a week? Is that all they give you? How much of that is free? Is that instead of the DLA for your son?

12 hours might seem a lot to people who do not need it, but it soon goes.

Do you qualify for legal aid? If you do, take advantage of that, not to help you move somewhere else, but to enable you to stay in your own home, because you should not have to keep uprooting yourself.

Do not be put off by the lack of understanding from posters on here who think they have an easy solution to someone else's problem.

and I will stick to my opinion too.

It will be in addition to DLA and free to OP which is likely why it is only 12 hours a week. It sounds inconsistent too from what she has said.

I agree that 12 hours a week isn't a lot, not at all. I bet she fought hard enough to get that too. Parents like us have to fight so hard for our disabled children.

Unfortunately, nearly every suggestion made towards the beginning of the thread has been rejected.

• cant move rooms away from party wall for various reasons
• potential soundproof was to be discussed but several posters have said it doesn’t work unless all walls covered on both sides so unlikely to be practical
• suggestion on extension is unlikely because already spent 2/3 of allowable grants/can’t be on separate floor
• convert part of downstairs - lay out unsuitable
• Can’t take child downstairs when wakes up as over stimulating
• can’t move house to accommodation where some of the above would be possible because it would be too much for child

It appears that to many posters the only acceptable solutions are for the NDN to stop being selfish enough to want to sleep past 4am every morning and wear ear plugs 24/7 along with DCs accepting complete disruption dnd mental health issues and affected job and academic performance, possible trauma and suicidal feelings (based on peoples experiences here) Or the NDN to spend £10k plus to move.with likely loss on value of house.

Hi OP, I don’t have any suggestions for solutions to the neighbour issue but I just wanted to tell you, from carer to carer, that you sound like you’re doing an amazing job. My adult daughter requires a lot of care but nothing on the level you deal with daily…and with lack of sleep! I know how demoralising it can be at times and some comments on here won’t have helped with that. You’re an amazing mum, going above and beyond for your child.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for everyone.

It’s prescribed by his NHS specialist paediatrician and reviewed 6 monthly.

He’s on the maximum dosage for his age and weight class - sometimes it works, others it doesn’t. With almost no rhyme or reason.

He’s got a variety of diagnoses, one of which is severe sleep deprivation.

But yes, it’s medically prescribed, we’ve not just bought it for him off the internet.

I apologise if it came across as being nasty . That wasn't my intention. I was replying factually to the points you raised and was genuinely interested in what options you felt schools could offer. You posted as if you had first hand experience and I am open to any helpful suggestions I may not have thought of ( emphasise on helpful )