Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Why don't you leave it to the OP to decide who is confusing her and who is not?

I always thought that when a poster posts a thread asking for help with a serious matter, he/she is genuinely wanting som suggestions.

No one knows exactly what is happening except the OP, and it never fails to surprise me that so many people ridicule suggestions because they think they know better.

If posters ask the OP for more information, it is for the OP to decide whether she responds or not.

If a poster makes a suggestion, it if for the OP to decide whether that is a possibility or not, because only they are in a position to know what helps and what does not.

What makes you think you are more able to advise the OP than anyone else?

My posts are directed at the OP: what gives you the right to comment on them?

Are you more privy to the OP's situation? I ask questions and offer suggestions to the OP, not to you.

Why have you answered instead of the OP? Surely the question was not asked of you?

Don't you think the OP has enough to contend with without having to read other posters squabbles?

If you know the OP personally and the circumstances, why has she bothered to start this thread?

She could get all her info from you, since you obviously are qualified enough to answer for her.

I ask questions of the OP. I don't expect someone else to answer for her. I would not want someone else to answer for me, would you?

Have you considered the NDN might have issues herself. Maybe she has PTSD. Maybe the screaming is triggering. Maybe she finds confrontation difficult. Maybe she’s been through this before and knows she’s likely to be met with comments like the ones on here and knows there no point. All the #bekind posters on here hasn’t considered whether she’s going through something much more difficult than the OP.. The above would certainly explain the situation from the start. Maybe she moved previously to get away from exactly this situation and can’t believe it’s happening again.

Everyone is #kind to someone.

Your kindness is weighted towards the neighbours, because that’s the position you’ve been in. Mine is toward OP, as our children share some of the same traits (stimming, noise) and it’s a situation I can envisage happening here.

#BeingKind isn’t offensive and it baffles me that people wheel it out like it is.

I think fundamentally we disagree, because it sounds like you see the only solution as OP moving away, and I see that as the only option not worth exploring.

#bekind is bullshit because it implies the sayer is all about benevolence when in actuality it’s just a mantra. Lots of people who trot out #bekind are cunts.

Might I ask, @SleeplessInWherever what you think the neighbour should do? Just suck it up, and live a life without sleep, because next door has a disabled child? Is that to be their lot forever?

Most people are cunts some of the time to someone. That’s how people work.

What people who throw #BeKind out actually mean is “you’re being kind to someone I’d prefer you didn’t because I don’t agree with them.”

I’m more than happy to have the same conversation on a loop again, yeah.

I think that both of them need to have a sensible conversation about what can be done to mitigate the noise. It can’t be stopped immediately, because that’s not how (some) disabled children work. The same way you can’t just shut babies up.

OP and her NDN should have a frank conversation about the situation, the steps OP can take to manage it, and how long they might take to either work or help.

I would hope that approaching it like grown ups might take some of the heat out and make it more collaborative/understanding.

If it doesn’t, OP should still do things to manage the situation, but I wouldn’t move house and I wouldn’t bother trying with her again.

So you’re kind of saying they should negotiate, even though the neighbour has done nothing here and has just been saddled with noise out of nowhere. Yet is expected to take on board the disability of their new neighbour’s child with whom they have no connection whatsoever.

I didn’t say negotiate, I said have a reasonable discussion about it that doesn’t involve backstabbing or lying. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

What’s wrong with saying to someone “I don’t like that, what can we do to make that easier for everyone?”

It will come as no surprise that I do believe people should at least acknowledge disability. Not really sure what to say if others don’t believe that. We can’t be all for inclusion until it bothers someone. We’re either accepting of disability or we’re not.

Yebbut. The neighbour hasn’t asked for any of this. They’ve just been going about their life and this has been dropped on their doorstep. If I were that neighbour, I’d be thinking: why do I need to have any discussion, ‘reasonable’ or otherwise? This is affecting my quality of life.’

They don’t owe the new neighbour anything. Let alone their sleep.

I assume you aren't working OP (fair enough too) so why don't you get up at 4.30am? I understand this signals the start of the day, but i don't think you can make that your whole excuse.

You say you're running on no sleep, but can't you sleep during the day whilst your son is at school?

I think you're fixated on your neighbours lying to social housing about swearing- but maybe she thinks she's hearing swearing through the wall.

Regarding your old neighbours insisting they couldn't hear anything- this is very much like our new build - its bloody amazingly soundproofed. I am mid-terrace and cannot hear either sides (one has a crying newborn and barky dog, the other has 4 kids under 11). However, my best friend can hear every word of a loud conversation coming from her next door neighbours. It's quite unbelievable tbh! Both of you should look into whether the house has been properly insulated, because this can also impact sound proofing.

To the point though - your previous neighbours may not have been saints, they might have just had better insulation/sound proofing.

I think it's unlikely OP is coming back now and I don't blame her.

I don't need to know OP personally to understand severe autism and stimming.

You wouldn’t be obliged to have any sort of conversation, you’re right - but it might get you further.

Well people can be' saddled ' with lots of things . Lots of things that happen to you are less than ideal but that is life. We all have situations come to us that are detrimental to us and beyond our control. Life is unfair sometimes. That is just a fact .
And no I am not saying the neighbour should just suck it up but when difficulties arise surely the only way to deal with them is by trying to find a workable solution. Lying to the council and having zero willingness to engage is of course her right but it is unlikely to achieve the desired outcome .

Except we do owe each other and society to carry each other's burdens. Taxes are a practical outworking of that.
The mother's social contract expects her to make massive sacrifice, that to spend her life caring for her son and losing all comfort of her own, forever. She has not done anything to deserve this.

Likewise, the neighbours, to a far lesser degree, find themselves in a position to have to sacrifice their own temporary comfort. Because the OP's son is not intentional,not doing anything illegal, and someone has to live next door. It's just an extension of the same principal.

Neither the OP or the neighbour are responsible for the son's disability. Both, by no fault of their own, have to carry the burden in very different measures.

So it absolutely is her responsibility to take ownership for her own life, ask politely if sound proofing can occur for instance, and potentially consider rearranging her own house for her own sake

The idea we are entitled to a nuisance free life is just so wrong, entitled and plain narcissistic.
Is it distressing for the neighbour? Sure. But the more we consider ourselves entitled, the more we make ourselves miserable.
The fact her teen daughter looks embarrassed when she sees OP probably means she has form for being difficult.

I totally get that your neighbour is p'd off with the noise at 4.30am, however it sounds like you're dealing with a very stressful situation that can't really be helped. Would it be worth having a meeting with the HA asking them about sound proofing his bedroom? Also, if you have SS involved with your family, assuming you do if you have respite carers, ask them if they have any funding available or know if there's any you could apply for to fund this yourself if the HA aren't willing to help. Ask your neighbour to meet with you to have a chat about it all & explain you do your best to keep the noise to a minimum but on occasions, because of your Sons condition, it's impossible. Try & stay on good terms with her, she may not want to speak with you, but still wave &say hello when you see her & keep the path to communication open to her. Have you spoke to your GP about the lack of sleep & waking so early. Is there any meds he can prescribe to help your Son sleep longer or relax him so he's not as hyper when he is awake?

No.

I don’t owe anyone the shouldering of their burdens over the children they chose to create, especially if said children scream and screech in the middle of the night. I deliberately made life choices so I wouldn’t have to deal with such situations.

Taxes, fine. I wish my taxes were used to create a nice living facility for families in these circumstances, that also would protect people from ending up next door to them by sheer unfortunate happenstance.

But I would not accept being awakened every night with soul-deadening screaming. That’s not my burden to share.

I think it unlikely too, and wise. I referred her to people best quipped to help her and I hope she has contacted them.

I certainly would not expect a response from her. Why would anyone? She posted a plea for help and I hope she has found something that is helpful.

I don't think other posters arguing the toss as to what others say would help her anyway.

Why people choose to take opportunities to rubbish other posters rather than help the OP is anathema to me.

But you wouldn't need to? The whole point is that the situation could probably be avoided with both parties soundproofing and taking reasonable measures.

You want the whole world to avoid you being inconvenienced. But the world doesn't revolve around you.
There are wars and horrid illnesses and accidents. And in the pile somewhere towards the less extreme scale of unlucky occurrences, having a neighbour whose child cannot help making noise.

One picks oneself up, changes bedrooms, gets soundproofing, asks the neighbour to do likewise and learns to live with the remaining inconvenience.

I get that when hardships accumulate, it can feel like a lot. But again, there's nothing wrong about the OP moving to the house dhe has moved to. It's life.

You say you "could not accept" but you would have to unless you took your own measures to help the situation. Screaming in the hope someone fixed it for you would not help.

It isn't just as you say. Isn't it funny that when a poster like you who understands how vulnerable mothers of special needs children are, starts arguing the toss and rubbish the post of someone who really knows how hard it is.

I think it is possible that the OP is more vulnerable than some posters realise. I think you are acknowledging that, and the OP is probably very thankful for your post. She is alone with her very vulnerable child, who to all intense and purposes is permanently at the ''terrible twos'' stage and she is trying to cope alone.

Then she moves to a new area of promise, only to find herself next door to a family who is far from vulnerable and she cannot stand up for herself against them. They may be suffering, but there are more of them and no matter how understanding the OP is, she cannot side with them against her own DC. They are strong enough to cope: she is not.

I am sure she acknowledges the fact that other people might be disturbed at her child's 'behaviour', but what can she do about it? Now she has posters taking the side of the neighbour, despite knowing nothing about the situation. It makes her feel even worse, because now she does not only have a family next door who cannot wait to get rid, but she is reading posts on here which criticise her, when what she needs is help in how to deal with the situation.

What help is it to tell her to change her son's room around to suit the neighbour? She is entirely dependent on the resources around her for her and her son's lives, and siding with the neighbours is not what the OP had in mind when she asked for our help.

She has local authorities to help her, but they cannot take sides in a neighbour dispute. She needs the help of an organisation which is neutral.

I hope she does ask the EASS for help, because both parties have the Human Right to enjoy their property. I hope they can find a way to do that.

I responded to your previous post.

I hope that if OP is still reading it, it helps her to know that some people understand.

Children they ''choose to create?''

What do you mean by that please? I know in these days we do have a choice for family planning, but that seems a very strange way of describing it.

Perhaps you are implying that the OP chose to create a child with severe learning difficulties?

It would be helpful to the OP if you have some positive suggestions to help her. Perhaps you have made her feel even more vulnerable against the family next door, obviously more affluent in goods and number.

On any thread, the OP is looking for help. Does an OP really want to start a row between posters? Bad enough on other threads, but this thread is from a very vulnerable mother who no longer has freedom to decide for herself when it comes to rearing her child.

A child she ''chose to create''?