Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I think there are a lot of people who have no real idea how difficult OP’s life could be, it’s an abstract idea to them.

They can well understand that some children are disabled and that that’s difficult for them, but they have no real concept of how difficult or how exhausting.

Those people also claim that SEN parents don’t understand how difficult it is for them to live alongside their disabled children. Spoiler alert - it’s nowhere near as difficult as it is living in it.

Nobody would change their kids for the world, or begrudge giving them the support they need, but it really does smack of ignorance when people who have never lived that experience try and tell those of us who have, how do it “right.” As I’ve said earlier - they should try it.

There are some here who also have used this thread to express how little they care about or even like vulnerable people. How given the chance they’d exclude them even further. Real “not on my doorstep” people. Those people should just move their doorsteps else IMO.

I am guessing the poster means that having a child was a choice. In most part of the world, children are not forced on you. (even if some people are trying to change that, but that's another issue entirely).

When you decide to have a child, you accept the consequences. No one can possibly know in advance what child they will have.

but it really does smack of ignorance when people who have never lived that experience try and tell those of us who have, how do it “right.”

Very well said.

Check my previous post for everything I tried.

Sound proofing rarely works to a satisfactory degree which is why , I discovered, few reputable places will agree to install it as mitigation in these circumstances.

Like @TheHerboriste I made a conscious decision not to procreate as in my case I knew I simply was not equipped to deal with a disabled child, or one who became so.

Living next to a profoundly disabled non verbal autistic child drove me from my lovely home in the end anyway, at huge cost.

I would much rather that cost was taken in taxes to provide more suitable accommodation and therapy for families like that.

Those of you without children, because I’ve noted there’s a few - that doesn’t mean you don’t encounter other people’s and the challenges they present.

I haven’t got any of my own, as I’ve made completely clear, the child I’ve been referring to in my posts is my step son. The situation is complex, but he’s not my birth child. My partner and I will never have children, because his needs are so complex. What I mean by that is I will remain biological child free. Happily and willingly.

I didn’t spend my child free years begrudging other people’s kids having supermarket tantrums, making noise in gardens or.. existing.

We all make choices about our own procreation, but those choices don’t give us carte blanch to not experience the difficulties some children face by proxy of being in their vicinity.

Exactly.

Spreading the misery to innocent bystanders in the name of “community” is ridiculous. I didn’t sign up for that. The people who chose parenthood did.

I would complain 24/7 without mercy if OP was my neighbour. Simple as that. It's not a situation to put up with.

It's a very difficult situation and I do sympathise with the OP but at the same time nobody should have to put up with constant noise from others, especially in the early hours of the morning. It can drive you mad.

Thank you for your change of mind.

I have no problem with tantrums in supermarkets or anything else you mentioned there. Because it doesn't impinge on my life. I'm not particularly bothered about screaming kids in neighbouring gardens (but why the constant screaming?) because it doesn't make that much difference to me. It doesn't prevent me from sleeping.

I could not put up with anything that kept me awake from 4am every day. And no one should have to.

And your comment about perhaps the neighbours should change which rooms they sleep in - firstly what a hell of an imposition. Secondly those particular neighbours are a family - the chances of being able to magic up three rooms that don't share a party wall are almost non existent.

Without mercy just about sums it up. People who care for no one but themselves and couldn't muster up.a bit of empathy if their lives depended upon it.
There is a lot of it about in society today as evidenced by this thread.

That isn't what I meant.

I was meaning that when people offer impossible options or imply that stimming can always be controlled that she can see some people understand that some options simply won't work and stimming doesn't mean that her son is distressed which is why I responded to some ignorant comments.

You're not heartless because you have to sleep past 4 a.m. to get through.

your post is completely heartless actually and says everything there is to say about you in a couple of short sentences.

You’re saying that with all the confidence of someone who believes OP should have the “imposition” of moving things around, and ultimately moving her family.

What would happen if SEN parents just said that your issue with the noise wasn’t their problem, that’s a you issue, and they’re not willing to do anything to help. Fuck it, struggle?

Treat people how you’d like to be treated, etc.

Of course, yes. Suit yourself.

I think that's quite unfair on the neighbour! Being woken at 4:30am every day is enough to drive most people mad.

However, that doesn't mean it is OPs fault. It is just one of those crap situations where there isn't an easy option for anyone.

Op, don't move, how do you know you wont be in exactly the same situation again but in a worse house or location?

I can't imagine how hard it must be in general with your situation but I think unfortunately you need to accept that this is just one extra thing that comes with having a child that has extra needs.

Being long term disabled I have found the best carers are men anyway, so your son is getting the best carers, and as you say, they are entitled to a proper bed in their own room.

I feel for you. NDN can be very bad indeed. You don't even have to be severely disabled, or in the position you are to be at the receiving end of tyrannical behaviour.

IF THAT WERE NOT SO why would governments all over the world have to put in place Acts such as Human Rights, Disability Discrimination, race, colour and creed discrimination?

There are laws, because it is the only way to control the tempers of those who are hell bent on opposing anyone they think should not be living, especially not living near them. Hitler killed thousands of disabled children and adults as well as the ethnic cleansing of other races. Millions of men and women died fighting for their rights in two world wars, and yet decades later, we are still having to pass laws against discrimination and cruelty.

I hope you are able to write to the EASS for advice on your rights. You have the same rights to live in peace and enjoy your home as anyone.

I advise you to do that. My neighbour has spent years trying to make me leave my house and no matter what they do, I will not. Neither should you. Your son is vulnerable: so are you. Get the right sort of help soon.

Yes I do. Because it's her family and therefore her responsibility to find a solution that doesn't unreasonably impinge on strangers.

I feel unreasonably impinged by people who lie about disabled children.

I feel unreasonably impinged by people who expect to live in constant peace and quiet.

Maybe they should move.

Easy this isn’t it 😂

But she just misheard him swearing. Of course, out of everything she could've misheard, it had to be abusive language. 🙄

There's a gulf of difference between complete peace and quiet and never being able to sleep past 4am.

Listen.

If you have the answer to kids waking up at 4am, share with the group - we’re all ears. ALL ears.

If you don’t (which you don’t), you can’t reasonably expect disabled children and their families to just move out of your way, because we won’t and ultimately don’t have to.

Nobody is unsettling their child for your benefit. Nobody. If they are, they’re doing parenting wrong.

You can spend the next 100 or so posts (I think) saying that you think loud children should just be moved away, and I and others will just keep telling you that isn’t likely to happen.

If you have a more reasonable solution, or an actual answer to stopping the noise and wake ups - I’m sure we’d all love to hear it.

Listen yourself. The answer has to be to move. Of course it won't be easy, but there must be somewhere, probably with a suitable bedroom not on a party wall, that wouldn't cause this level of torment to the neighbours. She has swapped once, she can do it again. Perhaps the HA could help to identify somewhere.

It doesn’t “have” to be at all.

In OPs position, if I had a neighbour complaining about the noise from mine and lying about my stepson there is certifiably no way I would move for their benefit. None.

I would move that child for one persons benefit - his. That’s the only reason we moved this time.

I would fight that battle with the HA and anyone else who would listen for the rest of my days before I moved him because you said so. The only way I’d be moving would be if forced.

And tbh, as I’m already used to the noise, if the situation was approached the shitty attitudes we’ve seen here, I wouldn’t even feel obliged to help.

Speak to me, and about my child, like a reasonable adult and we’ll talk. If like OP’s NDN it was approached with actual nonsense, I don’t even think I’d want to find a solution for you.