Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

what a mad statement !
If they were dealing drugs from their property would that be a problem?

You know what else can happen to any parent at any time? Their child becoming disabled.

This is a non-verbal child I'm a special school. How do you expect anyone could stop them screaming? What do you mean your mum wouldn't have let you get away with it? Please enlighten us all with these amazing strategies for controlling an autistic child?

Well if you are going to start worrying about this scenario here are a few more things to add to the list.
Just think you might end up with a neighbour with an annoying yappy dog that never stops barking.( Try getting them to shut it up. You would probably have the same amount of success as trying to stop an autistic child stimming)

You could end up with drug dealers next door dealing from their home or a cannabis farm.
You might have neighbours who install a hot tub and sit out there talking half the night. Annoying cars with loud revving engines waking you up.early I'm the morning. And so on and so forth.
There are many ways peoples lives are made uncomfortable by people living next door or in close quarters and lots of them are entirely preventable but you are fixating on families with disabled children and talking about them as though they are a plague .

And PS being in a detached property would not prevent most of those scenario's either.

Why do people insist on seeing prejudice where there is none?

I felt deep sympathy for the family next door. I have no idea how they coped. It's horrifying. I don't have a heart of stone and actually felt tremendous guilt for confronting them.

One reason I never considered children was because I knew in my deepest being, I could not cope with a disabled child. I was not willing to take that risk. This is not prejudice. It is self knowledge.

There comes a time though when enough is enough with constant maddening intrusive noise and sleep disruption and you are done. It is a living nightmare, just like for the parent.

Oh yes please do. I am sick.of listening to all this nonsense.
How can someone who can read,write and is capable of posting on a forum think.that they are comparable with a severely autistic person who is non verbal and reliant on carers for their every need?
I am waiting with bated breath for all these wise people who have the magic formula to solve all these issues.

True. And terrible for them. But as I've chosen to be child-free that's not going to ever be one of my worries - unlike having neighbours that mean I can't sleep - whatever the cause.

I would take a yappy dog every day over what I went through.

The other stuff you mention is anti social behaviour and there are other avenues to address it.

A profoundly disabled child howling and yelling Is not and should not be a police matter obviously.

True, and all those would be awful too - but probably only the dog that would result in never being able to sleep past 4am. And it's the sleep deprivation that scares the bejeezus out of me - as long as I can sleep I probably would have the resilience to just about cope with those other scenarios.

I’ve got an idea - all of those who can’t bare noise, and would like to be away from disabled children’s howling…

We’ll build you a commune. It’ll be lovely and quiet, nice and out the way, settled peace and quiet.

Every house detached, just to be on the super safe side.

There are already such places @SleeplessInWherever even with rules about noise, and they sound ideal to me.

When the time comes I will be buying or renting one.

when you are lucky enough to have considerate enough neighbours, which thankfully it's still the norm for many, these are normal neighbourhood.

Allowing disabled children who actually live there to enjoy their life too. Because you are the only one trying to turn the thread into an ableist rant, when it's not.

I think you have me confused!

Thats why I didn’t answer - I think she thought you required sympathy for having a noisy neighbour.

It happened to my son. He was healthy and then he wasn't.

He's actually the same age as OP's child but his needs aren't as severe as he can talk and understands that people are trying to sleep at 4am but we still have some minor disturbances through the night because he has care needs during the night, is tired and grumpy and doesn't want to be woken up so will often complain loudly including crying until he can be calmed down.

We do what we can to keep the noise to a minimum it but I appreciate that I can do that much easier because my son actually has appropriate understanding for a 9 year old.

Our house is HA too and we were offered it due to his needs. Luckily we've never had any complaints. He has a specialist bed too which is huge and can only fit in his specific room.

I feel that the OP is being let down by social services. She really does need appropriate respite. Yes, I know that that is like hen's teeth and - unless I've misunderstood - part of the respite provided is for male carers to come in at night...and this really isn't giving the OP a break at all.

A school friend's parents kept their autistic daughter at home for years. An assisted living facility was made available, but the parents refused.

Finally, when the daughter was about 50 the mother agreed that the daughter could move. The father had died, the middle daughter had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and the youngest girl was also unwell.

The eldest girl was, by all accounts, very happy in the facility.

I'd hate to be in the situation that the OP is in, but I'm hoping that when she's liaising with the appropriate authorities that a conversation is being had about what will happen when her son is older. She's already having difficulty coping with a 9 yr old boy and he's only going to become bigger and stronger. She can't advocate for her son if she lands up in hospital.

I'm sorry - I don't mean to be dramatic, but there were difficulties when I was a child because a non-verbal teenager used to run after the younger children. (Not my schoolfriend's daughter.) I'm sure that the teenager only wanted to play, but she used to hit me. I was tall for my age, but I was only about 8 yrs old and the teenager towered above me.

My parents were sympathetic so there were no police reports. However, it only stopped when a 12 yr old girl jumped up and slapped the teen on the face. (No, I'm not advocating violence.)

What I'm trying to say in a really clumsy manner is that a conversation needs to be had now about what will happen when the OP's son is an adult. I'm sure that the OP knows that, but I'm trying to say that staying at home with her might not be the best for her son, no matter how much she loves him. When my schoolfriend's sister entered an appropriate facility, the sister actually had a much better quality of life.

The OP is already being physically abused. I'm assuming that this is why her son only has male carers.

I've never been in the same situation as the OP, but I've cared for disabled adults whilst working full time. Sleep deprivation nearly did for me. I'm wondering whether there is a charity that would help advocate for the OP?

What would your solution be then?

I’ve already answered OP on that exact point. Happy to expand though.

Do not move an autistic child twice in a year.

Speak to the various professionals she has involvement with for ideas and solutions. One of which would be funded soundproofing, and/or extra equipment to help him regulate.

The fact she’s only getting 12hrs of respite is horrendous. Short breaks should IMO be doing more for her.

Continue to do the middle of the night calming she already will be - like I said, nobody likes that noise.

Might be worth looking at meds dosage, or time given. I obviously don’t know OPs specific situation, but we save melatonin for middle of the night wake ups so he at least goes back down.

Speak to the neighbour candidly about the challenges, and the above ways she’s planning to get help. If the neighbour continues to lie about her disabled son, leave it and don’t try again as she’s clearly not approachable and has no intention of working together.

Nobody has ever said to do nothing, they said not to move.

Not likely. I can, and have, slept through the following: firemen banging on the front door well enough to take off the hinges and screaming 'open up', a police raid of a campsite (complete with yelling, screaming, torches, and headlamps of cars roaring up to our tent), fireworks going off for Diwali when we were staying in a forest hut, encouraging every wolf in that forest to howl at the top of its lungs. Apparently, I just snore a bit and turn over. I take after my dad who used to sleep through hurricanes at sea. If it's a late night noisy neighbour that might prevent me going TO sleep, but honestly probably not; I can sleep on a washing line and tune out a ridiculous amount of noise. In spite of needing multiple alarm clocks, I think it's a blessing rather than a curse.

Oops. Indeed

Another ill informed dunderhead.

Housing Association tenancies don't allow you to just move whenever you feel like it. You have to register for an online bidding scheme, and you are allocated points based on your needs.

OP will likely have been given one offer from the HA - the property she is now living in. If you refuse a first offer without very good reason (ie no wheelchair access) you won't get another one. You'll be removed from the bidding register or moved down to the bottom of the priority bidding list.

To be eligible for a transfer OP would now have to show that she is either overcrowded, at serious health risk, or living in an unsuitable home (ie severe structural or sanitary issues) to be awarded enough points to be offered a move to another property. As this property is big enough for her needs, she will be classed as suitably housed and ineligible for a transfer.

OP, all HAs are supposed to offer soundproofing - although some, like Clarion HA, are notoriously poor at upholding their obligations. My brother works for Genesis HA, they have carried out thousands of soundproofing installations on their properties every year since 2006. If you go down this route, ask for Rockwool insulation to be used. It deadens about 70% of the noise.

You're doing a fantastic job in impossible circumstances. I have a relative with Downs Syndrome who also stims loudly and repetitively, sometimes for hours. He's an adult man and unfortunately, due to his severe learning disabilty, has no impulse control and doesn't have the reasoning skills to understand why he needs to stop.

BeEagerEagle is one of those low support needs, highly verbal, high IQ autistics who no doubt has some kind of internalised ableism towards profoundly autistic people with learning disabilities/complex needs. They can't wait to criticise or distance themselves from what they see as the lesser kind of autistic, lest they be lumped in with them.

I wouldn't bother engaging with them.

thank you for expanding.

But apart from the sound proofing (which some posters have said from experience won’t work) all other options seems to be dismissed.

It really seems like the house isn’t suitable. to enable sufficient things to be put in place and nothing is going to help with the garden .
As for the neighbour lying, I think there needs to be more understanding of how trauma )which from experience I have no doubt the neighbour is suffering) parts of the brain will shut down then when relaying the facts the brain will fill in the missing pieces. So there will be a memory of shouting, and aggressive action and the neighbour might have felt under attack. The brain will have filled in the swearing because that makes sense to the overall situation. Even normal memories work this way, a significant chunk of what we remember is false - there are numerous studies that prove this very point. The neighbour is very likely relaying her actual memory.

The poster above you has just advised a type she can request that is 70% effective, and is used by HAs.

The option I’m dismissing is rehoming an autistic child. Have you ever tried it? It’s not for the weak.

In terms of the garden - OP did say he accesses it for 2-3hrs a day, and is always inside by 6pm. Are we really saying a child can’t play in his garden after school? …. Really?

People can also just sometimes lie.