Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

You know where the word ´ghetto’ comes from right? - A time and place in history where some people were all forced to live in the same fenced in section of a city because they were considered lesser.
I think the idea of building subsidized housing for families with needs like OP’s family is excellent. I don’t think it would be good for that housing situation to all be grouped together in an artificially constructed village with little possibility of interaction with the wider community.

Did you miss that apparently it 'couldn't be helped'? The child has their own issues. Ah well, handled on my end.

Did you pop the ball?

“Compassion” doesn’t cut it when the neighbour loses her job due to sleep deprivation, when her kids fail their teen exams, when they’re on the edge of a mental breakdown due to noise, when they can never sell and move somewhere else because no
one wants to buy … where’s your compassion for them? As I said, appears it only goes one way and everyone else has to suck it up because of your choices. And you can’t even see it.

That's where you're mistaken though, because they could have just as much interaction with the community as now. I get in my car and take my disabled child places. That would be no different if I was housed in a community of people with similar needs. The big advantage I see is being in a community of other parents who understand my own struggles. For my child (who isn't going to qualify as the needs aren't high enough), a community to potentially connect with around them of people they can relate to. They aren't getting that so easily now.

It doesn't even have to be grouped together like that though. They can be individual free standing properties with some distance from boundaries.

No, just started giving as much consideration as they were giving. I used to respect their work from home times. Husband is a shift worker and I used to respect that they had to sleep in later.

Working from home trying to do Zooms? Not my problem. I need to use the leaf blower. Only time I can do it, can't be helped. Husband sleeping in after a shift? Sorry, don't have time later, have to mow at 11am on Saturday.

This is the situation exactly. If it were possible to make things quieter for the neighbour, OP would do it and IS going to look into sound proofing. Let's hope that works!

Other than that, this thread has been full of completely impossible and illogical suggestions, and when it's pointed out that OP doesn't have a spare detached house she can pull out of her arse, or the ability to rebuild rooms onto the other side of the house, or the ability to make her child less disabled and therefore quieter... people refuse to believe it.

Whenever the impossible is pointed out, people don't use this to reassess suggestions into something more possible, they panic and go into a full on flounce. The very idea that someone could be in a position that is actually this difficult to solve has given people a full on conniption.

It’s not that anyone doesn’t recognise that it’s difficult.

It’s that I am genuinely unable to shut this kid up the second he starts making noise, do not want to live in a commune for the disabled, and don’t think making a child move house for your comfort is a reasonable response.

As I’ve said multiple times, they need to work together civilly to reach a solution. I don’t believe that solution should involve uprooting OPs disabled child.

It’s no fun though if you live next door to the dc though.

I’m just thinking about how housing projects that try to group people with similar social needs together have gone in the past. There’s a reason why council houses now tend to be scattered among houses for sale/rent on the general market, rather than all grouped together on one estate. Historically, while the initial impact can be very positive, lack of ongoing investment coupled with ongoing social and socioeconomic difficulties for the people housed this way has led to issues. Things like schools getting a reputation as rough, leading to families who care about education trying to get their kids into schools out of that area, which then compounds the social disparities and widens the gap between areas deemed nice and areas deemed rough.
I do think your idea of better thought out housing specifically reserved for families with disabled family members is great. Even the idea of proximity to suitable schools is good. It’s just the idea of a whole village designed that way has the potential to go quite badly wrong with time and lack of ongoing financial support.

It sounds like there’s no solution though as you repeatedly say there’s nothing you can do?

So the NDN moves, wears constant earplugs or gets over it? Is there a solution that does not involve the neighbour solving the problem that is not of her own making?

Okay.

Because a child who you have described as having difficulties of their own was kicking a ball, you woke his parents up until they kept him in the house or took his preferred activity away. I assume that’s what they did anyway.

Understood.

There’s no solution that involves the child always being quiet, and I don’t believe moving him is the answer.

Soundproofing, regulatory activities, things in that house that can have an impact - maybe will help. OP has said she’ll speak to her professionals for support - is that not enough?

Wearing earplugs to get some 4am sleep really isn’t a hardship.

Actually the trouble is, by being kind to the OP you are advocating for the continued pain and misery for another family, pain and misery that is so bad myself and I think at least 2 other poster have experienced to such and extent it’s made them suicidal, if you were being kind to them you’d tell the OP it was best if she moved and needed to make sure that her neighbours weren’t impacted. The trouble with #bekind is that it nearly always impacts someone else to their detriment

Actually, it’s not recommended wearing earplugs every night - some people can’t wear them. What if her own kids wake up and need her?

Sorry, but hours of solidly kicking a ball against my fence, is not acceptable. Just as OP's neighbour's needs are not her problem, my neighbour's needs are not my problem. It works both ways. He still kicks the ball, just for short bursts. I accept that. Or they send him to the park.

My needs matter, my family's needs matter. If you disregard my needs, why should I consider yours? There's a disabled person in this house too. Two actually.

I didn't wake his parents up or interfere with their work, just carried out normal activities in normal hours. If they woke up or it meant they had to delay a Zoom, in their words, "Can't be helped."

Would I move yes, I’d certainly try my best to. Sounds like you don’t necessarily need a detached place but you do need somewhere where the room for your DC could be as far as possible away from any neighbours. Only you know what that might look like (maybe ground floor extension with mostly external walls, or somewhere where the bedrooms could be downstairs with a bit of re jigging?). But I would certainly be exploring this before spending any more money on modifying your current home.

You make a fair point. We can’t be kind to all the people all the time, there are many here being kind to the neighbour and not OP.

We all have to pick a side. I’ve picked the side of an exhausted SENd parent trying her best to meet the needs of a vulnerable child, who has had days now of being told her son is inconvenient and a problem to others.

It is a mast I am happy to nail my colours too. A hardship that I know, understand and can get behind.

I don’t doubt that it’s difficult for those of you who have lived alongside children like ours, but blaming them for that hardship isn’t reasonable. She’s not at fault for birthing a disabled child, or living where the HA put her.

If that's a concern then scatter the properties around rather than in one area. The main idea is to have actual suitable accommodation. It makes the life of the people with disabilities easier too.

I wouldn't qualify for such a property but can even see some advantages for myself in that kind of set up, if I did. And for my child.

I have two babies plus another child in school that were also being woken up nightly. Every night multiple times plus during daytime naps.

Do they wear ear plugs?

Are my DC less important because they are not disabled?

As a parent you expect everyone to accommodate your child, which I get, yet you expect everyone else to do that at the detriment of themselves and their own families. Realistically that’s not going to happen. Your child is your child, you need to find a way to not let them impact those around you.

The thing is she could look to move somewhere more suitable. It doesn’t have to be a detached house but could be a house why DCs room is on the outside of the house rather than adjoining - where there is a front garden to play in, where there is a downstairs room to use as a bedroom.

Tbh the situation will now never be solved with this neighbour. There fight or flight response has been triggered by the amount of stress caused and they will be hyper vigilant to the slightest noise which will probably send them into a panic. From OPs description they are likely showing many of the responses of a trauma (and it is likely the situation has become a trauma esp through lack of sleep). It is likely to take the neighbour some time to get over.

I don’t think OP has any choice but to move and learn from this experience. She has been lucky before with her previous neighbour - she needs to start somewhere new that better meets her needs of being able to minimise the impact on neighbours.

I don’t think anyone is blaming the OP for having a disabled child. But some people on here can see how terrible the situation is for the neighbour. Some of us have experienced the severe mental stress that results. No matter how difficult the position is for the parents of disabled children it doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibilities to those around them if actions or inactions can make others extremely ill/cause havoc in their lives.

it’s clear that the current house does not allow the OP to meet those responsibilities to other members of society. The implications for the OP is that there will be continued stress with the neighbour, which will likely escalate unless something is done. Everyone understands the op doesn’t need more stress.

it sounds like the only solution is to move to find a house that is better adapted to assist with minimising the impact on neighbours

I understand that there’s no end in sight, and that makes a difference.

But - when your babies cry, they’re communicating a need. I wouldn’t knock on your door and ask you to make them stop. Or tell you to move house, get them away from me, until they’re able to behave in line with a social contract they don’t know of or understand.

I would expect that you get up and tend to them, meet that need, find out what they’re making the noise for, etc.

But outside of that, babies make noise and so do some disabled kids.

There is a point where some of them self soothe (like babies!). On good nights my DSs wakes up and turns his light on then goes back to bed. There’s no saying that at some stage OPs child may learn self soothing strategies, until then I see it the same way as if any other unaware child communicates a need… like babies.

This is the solution, and I’d be happy for my taxes to support such programs.

But she is housed where the HA has identified her child’s needs are being met. The HA is required to met the needs of the child not the neighbour. In the unlikely event the HA did decide to find alternate housing because the noise is impacting the neighbours a three bedroom detached house is a like finding a unicorn.