Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Where are all of these residentials with ample space that OP will magically be able to get her son into even if she wanted to that people keep on suggesting? Clearly are very ignorant to how difficult it is for children to be placed into residential care because it is much cheaper for the parent to look after the child so it would always be the very, very last resort and then there still needs to be space available which there often isn't.

OP has already said that she struggles enough to get respite care because there isn't always the staff to do it and overnight care is slightly more reliable because it pays better so staff are more willing to do it but overnight respite care away from the house? It's going to be very unlikely. Places are full, there is still a staff shortage etc.

Best way to soundproof is to use specialist board mounted with an air gap. You would loose some room space. Would his bed still fit? Cheaper than moving.

“Can you find residential care for my child, my neighbour doesn’t like him.”

Sure that would get the funding agreed in no time!

yes I realise I miss read the post but my point still stands. Where does she think.these facilities are ? And how does she think.they can achieve these miraculous turnarounds.
I have been in these particular trenches for 20 yrs and have tried every strategy and approach going . And yes you can make progress sometimes but it is never going to make a child's learning disability/ challenging behaviour miraculously cease. All we can do is try to mitigate the difficulties as best we can.
Some people are totally clueless .

Definitely move his bedroom away from hers.

Exactly.

I'm honestly astounded by some posters on this thread.

"Oh but she and her children are her priority" "she's probably reeling because she's losing sleep"

Ok tell them to put some egg cartons or rugs on the walls to trial it out. "Ew no not egg cartons, I would just blast retaliatory noise and keep making stuff up until I've completely destroyed a family. It's not MY problem to find solutions for."

Springs to "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that".

Our autistic kids aren't going anywhere. There aren't these unicorn places that have space for them anyway and we have well moved past hiding them away.

You can’t put a 9yr non-verbal child who needs constant supervision while awake and a 7k bed he can’t escape so his mother can get 4 hours sleep a night into a granny annexe. I’d be laughing if it weren’t horrifying that you think this is actually a reasonable suggestion.

I am probably being naive, and by their very nature special needs children are individual, but would you tell me what efforts have been made to find out why he screams so much?

Forget the neighbour - you probably made her testy when you volunteered the info in the first place, and she may not like living next door to someone who is disabled. I am disabled. Just seeing me in a wheelchair which I sometimes use, is enough for people to avoid you. I fell once outside and people just almost ran away until I lifted my coat and showed the splint, then someone helped me up. the cover was off one of those little square water board drains.

Don't let your love for your DS be overthrown by people who refuse to understand or help.

If he is non-verbal he has not been able to communicate with you much and tell you when he has pain or difficulty, and I wonder if there could be a physical reason for his screams? It is a serious question, because there has to be a reason for the screams and noise, whether posters agree with that or not.

Has he had any full body scans - MRI? - at all in his life. Just because he has always had the problem, doesn't mean there isn't a reason for it.

I admire you. I think the neighbour could be more helpful. I found that out long ago. When you are disabled, people think that if they help you once you might keep asking.

@YourMintReader I don't see how you can do more than sound proof his room (totally) and the adjoining wall between your house and hers.

Done properly, that should cut out a lot of the noise from indoors. It would probably help if everywhere were thickly carpeted but I suspect thats not practical if he's liable to make messes/smear stuff, and the easily washable rugs are so thin they're not going to help/the thick ones are bloody trip hazards.

I don't understand why people are trying to get you to have the carer in your room and you in the box room - how would that help anyone? It isn't the carer making a racket, they're fine in the box room.

Quoted in error

OP I so so feel for you … it must be horrendous. How you are surviving , I don’t know.
i think you need to speak very loud to the council/housing association and your GP.
Your first priority is you.. you need rest, as much respite as you can get and more overnight care.
if you collapse .. and it sounds as if you are already there… then it will cost the council/social services much much more.
At the moment he is child but in a few years will be a strapping young man .
i feel sorry for the neighbour but you need to concentrate on you.

I am disabled. I know how hard it is for you to live with all this angst.

How often have you discussed him with the staff at the special school? I don't mean that to sound as stupid as it probably does. They should be helping you, after all, they have training to do just that, and are paid for it.

If they have special equipment at the school which he doesn't have at home, then make the local authority or NHS provide you with it. There are all kinds of equipment that can help you.

This is important that you get more help ASAP, before your neighbour starts to do more than complain.

She may be more concerned about the value of her home than the noise itself. I may be making too much of it for posters on here, but hear me out. I am on your side.

You may already know this, but when you own a home, neighbour disputes have to be recorded and a conveyance solicitor has to declare the information if legal action is taken. This prevents home owners from taking neighbours to court, but they can make life very difficult if the ability to sell their home is at stake.

She has no right to take action against you and your DS herself that will make you leave your nice home. There is a section in the Equality and Human Rights Act which deals with the right to enjoy your own property. YOU have that right also and the way to exercise that Right is the link below.

Get in before she makes a move against you.
First contact the EASS https://www.equalityadvisoryservice.com/ and ask them for advice. Explain the situation.

They will be able to tell you how you stand with your neighbour and what action she can legally take against you. That will prepare you for any problem you may have to face. I think they are probably the only people who have more knowledge on this than anyone, and your DS's disability is exactly one which they include in their remit as the advisory department of the Equality and Human Rights Association.

You must do this ASAP. They have more experience than your local authority social services and even the special schools service. They may know locally, but the EASS are a national authority.

They can help you whether you live next to a homeowner or renter. I am surprised that you have not been advised to contact them before.

This attitude is so wrong. I was an empathetic neighbour in this very scenario, did everything I could to try and change the situation within my own space and power, literally ended up in hospital due to the impact sleep deprivation had on my mental health and the knock on effect it had on my career. It was 6 years ago and I haven’t ever really been the same since.

I think two way dialogue about what can and can’t realistically be done, as well as some compromise by both parties, is the way forward, but to suggest the neighbour should just suck it up is ridiculous. I wish I hadn’t sucked it up for as long as I did for fear of upsetting people or being seen as a bad person. It almost cost me everything.

Ok, I’ve loved next to this type of situation, the constant noise and lack of sleep made me suicidal. Do you think it’s ok to turn a blind eye to someone being suicidal? Whilst I feel for the poster - livingnext to this is life destroying.

The issue is that I'm not sure if the neighbour is prepared to compromise at all since she has already complained more than once without even having a conversation with OP and her second complaint about OP's child screaming foul language when he can't even talk was a bare faced lie.

I think you're responsible for your own mental health and environment. You make the changes that you can and you work with what you can't whether that's soundproofing your home, or using sound minimising earplugs. There are plenty of earplugs with adaptive functions like the loop earplugs, or headphones with captive audio functions so you can still hear people speaking to you.

I've mentioned plenty of times that you can pick up soundproofing panels from ikea if you want something more aesthetically pleasing, you can also use rugs, duvets, furniture, egg cartons if these are quick and easy things you have to hand etc.

Nobody else is responsible for your mental health and you certainly can't expect a non-verbal stimming autistic person to not make noise.

I'm sorry you felt suicidal but I don't think that autistic people should be shut away for the convenience of other people. I hope you managed to talk to a therapist about your suicidal thoughts.

It's not about autistic people being shut away for convenience - OP needs to do some more appropriate special needs parenting ideas at 4.30am, such as not leaving him in his bedroom for an hour wailing at 4.30am etc. Don't you think there's a middle ground?

genuine question what equipment do you propose that would help in this situation ? And what help can school staff offer?

Jeez, a poster opens up how such a situation affected their mental health & lead them to be suicidal, and you go off on a lecture on what they can or should do for themselves. Ffs, cop on to yourself.

It's up to the the parent's/ guardians of the autistic/ special needs child to ensure that they unsettle neighbours as little and as infrequently as possible.

That includes taking every measure possible to try to minimise the disruption on neighbour's lives.

Surely, this is just common sense & decency , and doesn't need to be spelt out here!?

@Jimmyneutronsforehead

“I've mentioned plenty of times that you can pick up soundproofing panels from ikea if you want something more aesthetically pleasing, you can also use rugs, duvets, furniture, egg cartons if these are quick and easy things you have to hand etc.”

So would you agree that the OP could also be using these materials to attempt to soundproof her home on her side, given that it is her son making the noise?

Yes the neighbour could also be doing this their side (and perhaps they are already, who knows) but why should the OP not be responsible for using whatever she can to reduce the sound - while she waits for some professional assistance.

The OP has explained that taking him downstairs or into her room means he will almost certainly start making more noise, and not just verbal stimming, but other household noise too. This neighbour is already making stuff up, and not willing to discuss solutions. I think there's a lot the neighbour could do herself but probably won't.

I don't think she can do right for doing wrong in the neighbours eyes.

I suspect OP is sugar coating just how loud her child is, if the neighbour is having to complain. No noise at 4.30am is acceptable ideally. I understand it's difficult to parent this, but it needs a solution finding at her end, this isn't on the neighbour.

If the neighbour made a noise complaint to the council, could this end up with social services as its all through the night? Genuine question

OP doesn't leave him alone in the bedroom because when he's awake, he has to be constantly supervised. He stays in the bedroom until then because that is what is best for him which is always going to be OP's priority.

She has stated approx 1000 times now that taking him downstairs would make him louder because moving areas dysregulates him so she waits until a later time to do it, this also means that she can be as alert as she can be so she is more able to protect herself from his biting and she obviously needs to be alert to care for an incredibly vulnerable high needs 9 year old.

If OP could do something else at 4:30am so that he was quieter, don't you think that she would have done that already?

I would be very surprised if a child with that level of need isn’t already known to the local authority.

He’ll have an EHCP for a start, short breaks don’t organise themselves. Not social services in perhaps the way you’re thinking, but certainly LA involvement.

If what you’re asking is would they question her suitability to parent because her child stims loudly, no. That isn’t a safeguarding risk.

The OP could, yes if it doesn'tcadd additional hazards. I've already explained both sides might need some sort of soundproofing.

But if you'd read my other posts I explained that soundproofing is best done on the noise recipients side because of how acoustics work. The OP can't suddenly change the laws of acoustics.

Acoustic consultants will often recommend the recipients side being done first.

Obviously it will work better if it's applied to both sides but it still won't completely block out sound.