Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

She’s free to keep custody of her own son without getting your consent?

What if the neighbour has PTSD and needs quiet, what if they have a condition made even worse through lack of sleep.

That's the neighbours problem to fix. If they need quiet then they make their own space soundproof. The receiving side is the best place to soundproof and the neighbour is responsible for her own environment. Not OP.

Nobody has the right to complete silence or to live insulated away from people with disabilities who will make disability related noise.

Ah yes, disabled people making other lives miserable. Lock em up and throw away the key ey.

Disability isn’t a free pass to do whatever one pleases no matter how antisocial.

Perhaps a residential situation with coaching and treatment from actual experts would help this person learn to cope in ways that don’t impinge on others, so they could return to family & neighbourhood life.

Oh stop it. 😂

Yes. What disabled children are missing is some advice on how to just shut up.

This cannot be what you genuinely believe 😂

Ah yes let's institutionalise them until they can be more neurotypical.

Or would you rather we just lobotomised them instead? It's faster.

the problem is not other peoples children, the problem is the noise.

Stop being disingenuous, it's not an attack against disabled kids, it's the right need and wish to be able to sleep at night.

A long-term plan is not enough, the neighbour can rightly ask for an urgent resolution.

what about a disabled child whose life is being made miserable? Should HE be locked away because he's the one suffering and unable to deal with the noise?

You can't impact on everyone else and pretend it's their problem.

It's not the neighours problem and for him to fix the nuisance from next door, don't be ridiculous.

Help me out here.

What immediate solution do you think is available? Without saying it’s not the NDN problem, not her solution to find.

What quick fix is being missed?

As I’ve said previously. If there was a quick fix to sleep issues, or the noise that it can cause, believe me - I’d have gone to the ends of the earth to find it, and so would most others who live with it.

Nobody here hates sleep and likes a load of midnight racket, if you have the cure - do share 😂.

What kind of life does that child have now? Pretty dismal, from the sound of it.

There ARE therapies that could help him cope; a residential school with trained experts is hardly the same as “shutting them away in an institution” of 100 years ago.

Can you please point out where it's been indicated this child is living dismally?

What an absolutely ableist thing to say. Disgusting.

don't back down, I am replying to posters stating that it's not a problem, that it's an attack against disabled people and that neighbours should suck it up or that it's up to them to find a solution on their side.

The point is that there is a problem and a solution needs to be found.

Suggestions based on what the posters know are in the thread, some possibly for the short term to try to lower the noise.

Read some of the comments above, it's nearly turning into the issue being the neighbours' fault!

There is one specific poster here who IMO is ableist, and seems to believe that disabled kids should only be seen or heard if they can behave.

Their views on segregated living and sending kids to residential services when that isn’t what parents want, are bordering extreme.

It’s in response to those kinds of remarks that do come off as attacking, or dismissing, the disabled - some of us are going to respond.

Fingers crossed you find a solution that supports your son’s needs, your own health and the neighbours.
If you think the separate room option that you are going to discuss with the OT might help, I’d really see if you housing officer could support you. There really are some good ones out there that have great relationships with the local authority.
Best of luck.

This comment is actually shocking. How ignorant can someone be.

I can see how hard that would be for her - I’ve acknowledged exactly this in my post, and I’ve also said I can understand exactly why she doesn’t want to do this. The situation is enormously difficult.

But I also don’t think it’s ok for your family to make your neighbour’s life miserable and not do everything possible in your power to mitigate that, just because your life is harder and more miserable.

It’s taken 6 weeks for the OP to even ask the question about what she might do to reduce the impact on her neighbour, and even now her plans stretch to asking the OT about soundproofing. If they tell her no, or that it might be a wait of several months, will she do nothing until then? If it was me I’d be looking at home solutions for sound proofing now, and considering all other options in the mean time to try and improve this situation.

As I also said though, the best option surely would be to swap back to the previous house, where none of these issues apparently existed.

Don’t be ridiculous. OP’s situation is dreadful for her but she is inadvertently making her neighbour’s life and that of her kids hell too. Not coping with sleep deprivation doesn’t make someone a “tosspot”.

I’m glad that your neighbours show you empathy. Perhaps you need to develop some for other people too.

I think it depends on what is possible, and actually likely to help.

The first thing I’d say is moving our little noisemaker into our room as a holding pen wouldn’t work. We have two options, his room or downstairs. Anything else would actually cause more stress.

We moved in Feb, because the house didn’t meet his needs. Nobody takes moving a disabled kid lightly, I’m confident that OP did it for a reason, and whatever that reason is will be why she can’t just move back. Moving him again 6 weeks later would also be very difficult anyway.

We’ve had soundproofing installed. It was nearly £2k. That’s not possible for everyone until the LA help arrives.

Where I’m trying to come from here is that OP knows her house, her budget and situation, and more importantly her son. I don’t believe anyone is wilfully bothering those around them without being aware of it, and being aware of what can feasibly done about it.

I also don’t think I’d be particularly inclined to work towards a solution with someone who is being rude about or lying about my kid.

Actually, I think the best is the neighbour to keep complaining daily.
Hopefully that will make them sortout soundproofing or whatever quicker.

Plus, as far as OP as said (unless i missed any of the replies) , she told the neighbour she 'apologises but can't be helped cause the son is autistic'. This reply is very vague and doesn't reassures the neighbour that something else is being done to improve things

The neighbour got on well with the previous neighbours too so she clearly isn't an anti social evil neighbour.

In terms of the actual noise, it can’t be.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried telling a non-verbal child to be quiet - they’re not bothered.

It’s not vague, it’s a fact.

She has also said that she’ll speak to OT about soundproofing and other measures. So.. clearly not doing nothing. But making him stop isn’t an immediate possibility.

That's not what i said to either.
I said that the neighbour complaining might make the soundproofing works to start quicker (or something else OT deems appropriate)

And I said OP didn't explain to the neighbour she is speaking with OT. She apologised and said it can't be helped....so as far as the neighbour is concerned this is her new reality with no end in sight.

OP, your son is stimming. He is not screaming for extended periods, knocking on walls or throwing items in anger as far as you have described.
Your son is in school 5 days a week, moreover.

He might be an early ruse but so are newborns and toddlers and thry can cry for ages without interruption.
You are not being a bad neighbour.

Your neighbour can suck it up honestly, how awful of her to write to the housing association. I would counter by reporting them for harrassment and discrimination.

Ultimately she won't keep up that behaviour for years. She'll wear out.
I'm sorry you are put in this situation. None of us are entitled to a nuisance free existence. We've all become so horrendously selfish.

I don’t think there’s been much conversation after the initial one, the other contact has been either by note through the door or by complaining.

I did say in my initial response to OP that I’d approach for a conversation to discuss, and if that doesn’t work or help then don’t try again.

I would however be hesitant to knock on the door of someone who clearly would prefer to complain (and lie) without actually approaching the subject with me. I would, but it’d be begrudgingly.

where are these mythical places that can move families in and educate parents of severely autistic children where they are going wrong ?
You cannot get even the most basic support when you have disabled children don't you know ? You are left to.deal.with things the best you can. And in my experience most so called experts (CAMHS etc ) are entirely useless and can only trot out platitudes and have no answers to offer. If there was an answer those of us in the trenches would have found it by now.

This poster you have quoted basically wants high needs kids separated from their families and comfort and placed into institutions residential facilities to learn how to behave before they can be part of society because lord forbid anyone have to tolerate or accept them.

Hans Asperger vaguely springs to mind.

The useful ones can stay, the rest of them, well how dare they be part of society, their lives are meaningless and dismal anyway.