Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Just to reiterate my previous post. Whilst every one is focused on the OPs child being awake early and making some noise, the neighbour had also made malicious and unfounded accusations about her parenting. Taking this at face value, it is therefore not unreasonable to consider that the neighbour maybe over reporting and overstating the impact and severity of any noise. It does happen, I have worked with many families where a neighbour complains about every day noise (eg children playing, walking about in an upstairs flat etc).

OP acknowledges her child wakes early, but it is not a given that the noise made is anything above a shift worker coming home, or someone getting up and out to work at this time.

I have lived in terraces and semi detached houses throughout adulthood. Sometimes babies cry, people make noise going to the loo, getting up and out and children can be noisy, including what some people unsociable hours. Whilst it is annoying, also just a fact of having neighbours.

It's true we don't know how 'bad' it actually is, just that OP describes it as loud shouts, among other vocal stims. None of what you described as normal neighbour noise would disturb me at all. I'd probably sleep through but the question OP asked is would we move, and my answer was that, yes, I would.

OP's neighbour may think that she did hear swearing, so maybe was mistaken rather than lying. If she is actually lying though, this might be just the beginning.

OP doesn't want to keep having to move though, so maybe a disability advocate can help her work with social housing to get a property where this won't be a repeat issue? It may take time for a suitable property to come up, but it's worth it for OP's peace, as much as anyone else's. OP has enough on her plate without having to deal with aggro neighbours.

Why did you move?

I think you must expect visits from social workers. If you do not get them, ask to talk to them about your DC.

You cannot, for the DC's sake try to cope on your own with the neighbour who doesn't understand. Moving without advice would not be good for the DC.

Can your son not go for respite at a residential once a month or something to give you a break. And if your neighbour contacts council saying its a noise nuisance the council will have to put in soundproofing or move you to a suitable property, ie detached

For someone who is autistic you are remarkably ignorant-
autism is a spectrum
if you have met one autistic person you have met one autistic person

OP has mentioned stimming, non verbal, special school, carers and respite care, lots of kit. You can use your imagination that her DC isn’t same as you, no?

OP speak to HA and see if they put issoundproofibg. At least with them there is some obligation to upgrade to meet your needs. If they force you to move it’s discrimination as the noise isn’t due to bad behaviour.

@YourMintReader

You never know who the new neighbour will be, admittedly. It’s hard. The feeling of walking of eggshells is awful.

imagine the feeling of buying your home been settled then a new family move and it’s no longer the home you knew and loved.

I am functioning on about 3 or 4 hours sleep at the very best.
I suspect this isn’t helping would you not consider over night residential respite for your son to give all of you a break.

And I have every right not to have a chunk taken out of my arm at 4.30am because I am so sleep deprived, it is ten times more difficult to bring him into that area
He is you son and I am sorry he has additional needs it is are not fair and it must be beyond hard with many worries not least about the future when are too old to care for him. However you no doubt love him and can see past his some of his behaviour however you can’t expect your neighbour to.

would you not consider regular respite so you can sleep more and no doubt enjoy time with him more. They say it takes a village to raise a child find your village OP and get some support for you all I am sorry for the hand life has dealt you.
**

This post has made me cry. I can’t believe some of the responses you are getting and how cruel and ignorant some people can be. Let’s hope they never find themselves in a similar situation.
i hope you get the help you need to build an extension, hopefully the complaints from the neighbour will help with that.
You sound amazing, doing everything you can for your little boy. I do hope you can get some respite. Good luck with it all.

Op just wondering how did you manage to get an extra bedroom through housing association anyway? Does your son have 2 nights overnight respite care per week? Because was led to believe had to be this to get extra bedroom..wouldn't it be more peaceful for you and better for him to get used to being around others if he went to a residential for a break. My son is very similar (not biting) but kicks headbutts pulls hair breaks everything, i have bare minimal furniture hr has to have bars at windows locks everywhere etc and need to move because stairs are a danger..so I am not judging..and I too have had major issues with neighbours and as someone else said because of noise I feel I always will unless move to detached bungalow..but because of housing crisis I find it unlikely will be able to do this

And to those saying why not put him in residential because of needs, maybe because he's her child and she loves him she wants him with his mum??

The op is saying her child is making lots of noise though, at 4:30am

@YourMintReader I haven’t seen you answer the question about why you moved house. You said it was a house swap, and your previous neighbours had no problems with your son - so is it really not an option to swap back? That would surely be the best option.

If not I still think you should consider bringing your son into your bedroom when he wakes so he’s away from the adjoining wall. You’ve addressed all the things you can’t do or that wouldn’t work (moving his bedroom, taking him downstairs when he wakes) but there are some other things you just don’t want to do because they further inconvenience you - moving yourself into the box room to make the second bedroom a viable space for your son to use when he wakes, and using the bed in here for the overnight carer for example.

This is why some people are calling you entitled. I have every sympathy - your life sounds desperately hard and I can completely understand your unwillingness to give up a very small piece of comfort for yourself to make life easier for your neighbours. But by doing so, you are choosing to prioritise your comfort over theirs, and it means you’re not doing absolutely everything you conceivably could to minimise the disruption your family is having on theirs.

This sums it up far better than I can

Hmm, maybe. Op, budget permitting after getting your house sound proofed, & if noise transfer is still an issue as i think it may, you could then also offer to pay to sound proof some or all of the NDN's wall's that adjoin your house.

This might achieve 2 things:

1. It may reduce the sound transfer particularly in the early am hours for your neighbours
2. It will show them your bone fides in trying to do everything in your power to not disturb their daily lives.

Good luck OP!!

You’re going to make neighbours unhappy wherever you are though. Just because the next one doesn’t say something doesn’t mean they don’t mind.

I think you need to speak with the council and see what sound proofing provisions they can help with, and maybe look at the allocation of rooms and see if you can move him away from a shared wall even if it makes the layout unconventional

I have been in a similar position to the neighbour and it can be life destroying. I’m sorry the OP is struggling but unless you’ve been in the neighbours position you can’t judge their response. At times it made me feel suicidal. Sleep deprivation has long been used as a mechanism of torture for a reason. The OPs child goes to school several hours a day she can get rest then. If the neighbour is at work she can’t, then comes home and it’s hours of screaming and shouting in the garden, then the stress of going to sleep knowing you’ll be woken at 4:30 to begin again.

We appreciate it’s difficult for all concerned, but people have a right to peaceful enjoyment of their property, a right to be able to get a proper nights sleep. The op needs to speak with her support team and find a solution. This might include moving to a house with a different layout where her child’s room is not adjoining the neighbours or with better sound proofing and the adjoining rooms could have sound proofing added or there is a non- adjoining extension to use as a bedroom. This house is clearly never going to work and the stress of living there will not help the OP.

But it’s not ok to dismiss the needs of others because the OP is in a trying situation. What if the neighbour has PTSD and needs quiet, what if they have a condition made even worse through lack of sleep.

Everyone expects some noise in a semi detached, I was woken last night by the neighbours toddler crying a screaming but it’s a rare occurrence (might be feeling a bit under the weather) - no problem, but, from my experience the neighbour will be living in a constant state of fight or flight, constant cortisol going through their body. Never getting a chance to rest. That amount of constant stress will be having significant impact on their physical and mental wellbeing.

The point is “further inconvenience.” It’s my assumption that OP already faces inconvenience, if we’re putting it that way.

You’re asking a woman who has already explained her exhaustion, the behaviours she faces, the energy she needs to care for her vulnerable son that she often doesn’t have - to give up one of the only things she has for herself.

You’re not even asking her to swap bedrooms, you know that’s not possible. You want her to use the box room and then make her own comfortable space into some sort of holding pen for an hour or so a day.

If you can’t see how hard that would be for someone, that’s your lack of compassion to her difficulties.

Sometimes what we “want” isn’t realistic, especially if it involves making other people’s lives miserable.

You're absolutely right, she should put up with screaming at 4.30am because you take some parcels in for her sometimes 🙄

What are you doing at 4.30am whilst your child is screaming in his bedroom??

You cannot tell a parent to put their child in residential services, away from their family, because you find them inconvenient.

That is not up to you (or anyone else) and is a step too far.

You've absolutely nailed my feelings on this.

of course you can't. You can however tell them to find a solution, any solution that suits them, to stop 4.30am screaming waking up the entire neighbours' house.

It's beyond "inconvenient" at this stage.

It's not the same, but I remember from my NCT friends who lived in flats, naturally taking crying baby in living rooms or other side of the flats, trying not to wake up neighbours for no reason. You can't stop a baby from crying, but you try to minimise the disturbance for everyone else. Also a baby is a temporary problem.

It would be really lovely if we could stop referring to other peoples children as “problems.”

That poster was suggesting that if a child is causing others a disturbance than sending them away is a viable option. That’s a ridiculous idea.

OP has said what she’s willing and able to do to resolve her NDN’s issues, and has said she’ll speak to relevant professionals about that.

Those who are still finding ways to dig at her, when she’s said she plans to take action and speak to her children’s professionals, may as well just say they don’t like disabled kids.

They’ve had their answer, and been told what OPs plans are, so at this point it’s just hysteric nonsense.

I'm afraid those days are gone much as you seem to think that's ok. It's now inclusive not exclusive model for neuro diverse and disabled. You can't just hive them in an institution because they get on your nerves. Everyone has a right to suitable housing. So as said if the neighbour complains of noise disturbance and it is truly that bad it is councils duty to move this lady and her son to a suitable property or take measures to make it suitable..ie soundproofing

Sorry above is reply to personal said what we want isn't realistic regarding residential for this ladies son! You sound delightful

But she is free to make others’ lives miserable?