Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Exactly.

If your child is disabled, you just have to get on with it.

But you surely have to see it from your neighbour’s point of view! How can she be expected to function normally after being woken up at 4:30 day after day? I don’t know what the answer is for you because you didn’t ask to have an autistic child, but you can’t ignore the impact it has on the people around you.

OP, I think you're being given a horrendously hard time here. You're clearly a great mum who does everything she can for her child. Yes, it's hard with the screaming and I do understand where the neighbour is coming from but you have to put your child first. And also people saying you're not willing to try and change things and yet you're on here asking for suggestions to do exactly that. Stay strong.

I think some posters on mumsnet would rather us take our autistic kids to the vet and have them put down or restrained in a straight jacket and ballgag.

There's a lot of yes your child can't help it but that doesn't mean they should do those things they can't help doing. Use your paltry carers allowance to rent a mansion in a field and give everyone a 5 mile berth or bring back institutionalisation type comments just written in a different font.

Ours had a meltdown once because the sun was “on.” If anyone has a solution - all ears.

Last time I was bitten, I wouldn’t let him eat bird shit.

The time before that he wasn’t allowed to put his hand in a blender in Starbucks.

Today, he just repeatedly greeted us for half an hour. Come and say “Hi” to him people, please. 😂

You knew these houses were new builds and therefore the walls would be paper thin, you have created this issue.

Ah yes, this comment demonstrates the deep sympathy you have for the OP.

But that puts the neighbours in the position where they have to find a way that works for them, and how it impacts OP isn't going to be their concern. They're just doing what they need to for coping.

If I can't sleep through OP's son and it's not a temporary issue, I know I can sleep through music, so I'd be playing music from 4.30am every morning (not obnoxiously, just loud enough). Probably classical music at that time of day. Who knows, maybe OP's son would find it soothing even?

OP probably doesn't really have any energy left to focus on anything but the necessary. Of course that's not the neighbour's issue. Which is why social housing needs to find OP more appropriate housing. Not just for the neighbour's but for OP's sake, because living next to annoyed neighbour's isn't going to help her. It just adds another burden and things to deal with.

The neighbour could install soundproofing in their home.

A lot of acoustics specialists will actually say that preventing sound works best when soundproofing is done on the receiving property which is why in my earlier posts I suggested that perhaps soundproofing should be done in both properties.

But I'm sure the OP would rather them play some music or white noise or whatever helps them than spreading lies to her landlord for sure.

Yes, the lies isn't fair. You can't assume OP's neighbours can afford sound proofing though. Putting on music is cheaper.

Maybe OP would prefer the neighbours to play some music but what if it negatively affects her son? I'm usually very supportive and helpful but make me chronically sleep deprived and I'd probably be in a 'not my problem' space. Sleep deprivation does things to people.

Your DS can't help being disabled and l am sure that you are doing your very best. It's probably difficult for your neighbour but perhaps
the HA could sound proof the wall adjacent to next door, moving you is not the solution as you will get the same problem in a new place.
People who don't have a disabled child can't understand the pressure you are under and wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Some of us do have disabled children and understand how challenging this is for OP, but can also see the neighbour's position.

One thing to consider re the neighbours report of swearing is that people often misremember details. If she felt stressed it could have stimulated a flight or fight response, often at such times your reasoning brain can switch off so the whole thing becomes an overall impression, after the event your mind can fill in the details so the situation makes sense. This might inc adding in the swearing as this fitted the picture. It is very possible the neighbour does remember the child swearing even though they weren’t

Aww OP i feel for you. There are no winners here and few solutions. I suppose you could use the neighbour complaints to strengthen your position for a detached house on the tiny miniscule chance you are offered one.

Other than the sound proofing there's nothing else to be done really. You might not be the neighbour's problem but equally she's not yours 🤷‍♀️.

Could he be placated with some peppa pig?

So sorry OP some people have not understanding of your situation.

The neighbour would have to be open to communication to trial it.

I used to be a "need complete silence" to fall asleep type until my autistic son came along and now I have to have a tv programme on or something and it does help and isn't loud enough to wake other family members or neighbours. It definitely took an adjustment period.

And you're right I can't assume that the neighbour or OP have the funds to purchase soundproofing but I was just stating objectively that by the laws of physics, many soundproofers would advise at the very least soundproofing would work best on the receiving side, so if money were to be spent soundproofing, the receiving side would be the best place for it to be applied.

A lot of people seem to be saying that this isn't the neighbours problem to solve, but I disagree and think the only way this can be solved is with cooperation.

Nobody has the right to live in a disability free zone and we're all obligated to tolerate some level of disability related noise and behaviour, but in this instance the neighbour can only control her environment and the OP soundproofing hers and spending thousands on it might not actually make much difference.

There are cheap short term solutions to soundproofing. Egg cartons on walls, duvets or rugs on walls, even ikea sold acoustic panels last time I went, as well as putting wardrobes or heavy furniture against that wall, sealing gaps by the skirting boards, as well as playing your own noise with soundproofing measures because of how sound travels to negate the noise coming from an adjacent property.

These are all things that if the neighbour would just be willing to open a dialogue about, could be reasonably discussed.

I don't want ugly egg cartons on my wall. Better yet, maybe both sides could be sound proofed? Before I paid out for that, I'd want to be sure it would work.

There's not much I can't sleep through these days so it might not be a problem for me, and you're right, the neighbour can only control their environment. If I couldn't sleep through as the neighbour, I'd set about controlling my environment and if it negatively impacts OP? Not my problem. My problem is resolving the sleep issues.

I'd probably be more co-operative if OP showed genuine goodwill by offering to pay for my sound proofing, but I doubt she could afford to do that anyway.

Absent the public will to create purpose built accommodation for families with loud members, I think councils should strategically house them in existing homes.

Two families with autism, using either side of a semi, for example, would at least have common issues and experiences. Their expectations would be similar.

I don’t understand the posters condemning the neighbour, how many of you would be happy to suddenly be woken at 4.30am every morning? Not to mention the issues which would arise if you chose to sell. OP I have a disabled child so feel comfortable in saying this, it isn’t reasonable for neighbours to be disturbed at 4.30am and kindly they were there first. You need to do all you can do to keep noise down to acceptable hours or you need to move. Ive done everything I can to ensure my neighbours aren’t disturbed too much and they are appreciative of that

But then you might get the problem (assuming two neighbours like OP's child) that they distress each other, make noise on different schedules, etc.

It's easy to be holier than thou about how supportive people would be when they aren't the ones affected, or have never experienced it. I think most people would have an issue with indefinite 4.30 wakings.

🤷🏼‍♀️
Better for two families to be enduring that, than four families.

Well, one, why would OP spend money on someone else's soundproofing if there's still no guarantee it'll work? Madness. The best way to see if soundproofing would work is to test its efficacy with cheaper materials regardless of how aesthetically displeasing they are. If the goal is sleep then how something looks on a temporary basis is not a priority. Two disability related noise is less likely to be seen as a statutory noise nuisance than malicious retaliation with overly loud tv or music noise.

That said the right to live in a completely silent environment doesn't exist does go both ways so it would depend what was reasonable and proportionate but if the neighbour owns the house they'd probably not want a statutory noise complaint against them.

I mean if that's what you'd do, you do you. There's a difference between disability related actions and deliberate actions though.

Lucky for me I can say that I need to overplay music due to my child's disability, since that apparently gives us the right to negatively impact others.

This isn't quite the gotcha you think it is.