Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

It sounds awful but maybe a residential school for SEN children might be an idea along the road, you're going to have extremely burnout most of the time

This. It’s hard for you, but not your neighbours problem.

@Totallytoti and @WavyRavey maybe you could offer the OP helpful suggestions in how to bring about this outcome based in the real world....

She is in social housing I don’t think she is in a position to choose a property that is detached. She sounds lucky to have got the property she has got.
feel for you OP but there really isn’t much you can do. Must be so tough as it is without the added stress of neighbours being disturbed. I wouldn’t give up the house though, you may have the problem elsewhere anyway.

So what is your advice besides tutting? You've said literally nothing about what OP can do.

Some responses on here clearly completely ignoring your explanations and having no understanding of your son’s situation. No solutions but sending yo7 - and your neighbour- much sympathy. Hope the OT has some ideas. X

OP is already looking to sound proof and moving his bedroom simply isn't possible because it would just move the noise next to a child's room or make it too dangerously unsafe for him to sleep without a room that can house his specialist bed. Have you actually read any of the details on here? I realise it's much easier and fun to solve a difficult problem if you ignore all the trickiest details.

Trickiest details, can you please explain why a single bed is so horrific??

This is all so convoluted, I’m not even sure why OP would be asked to move into the single room.

Her son’s things fit in his room. He therefore would be staying in it. Why are we kicking her out of her bed at all?

If you don’t get that that is a compromise, a solution for her neighbours sanity and health, and sleeping in a single bed is hardly on the floor, it speaks volumes that you and she are the problem.

I only read your replies OP not the whole thread so possible someone suggested those before. You say that movement and water are the 2 ways he regulates, you could look into (literally brainstorming ideas for sensory input, so some are quite out there but I reckon still could work, though without knowing your son some could completely be missing the mark):
-a suspended fabric chair swing
-air track in the living space (to cushion his need for movement but also give him more feedback so potentially could get the movement more contained)
-indoor climbing frame or soft play set up with matts
-arranging part of the living space with waterproofing so you can have a water play table/tuff tray
-would watching water based content (from sea documentaries to just blue screen with bubbles or whatever else) help him regulate? i’ve seen a really cool immersive sensory light table you can project things onto
just a few ideas to potentially keep him entertained but hopefully more calmly - I reckon you need the rest even more than your neighbours (from a mum that frequently gets 5h of sleep or less).

OP, This sounds like a very stressful situation for both you and your neighbours.
Just to play devil's advocate, what would you expect your neighbour to do if your neighbour had a child with the same level of need and behaviours, but whose child was awake when you were asleep?
What would you expect them to do if the precious little sleep you are currently getting was eradicated by the neighbours child?
Do you think your child will quieten down as they grow older?
Do you think your neighbour is being a bit unreasonable with their expectations that you reduce the output of sound?
Can you private rent a detached house?
Are you on the transfer list for a detached house?
Can you put any temporary sound proofing in the bedroom to reduce the noise until something more permanent can be done?
What has your neighbour specifically asked you to do to help the situation?

Can you private rent a detached house?
Are you on the transfer list for a detached house?

No, I cannot give up the security of a lifetime assured tenancy to private rent… not to mention, you cannot adapt the property (not really!)

There is no transfer list for a detached house.

OP you poor thing. My heart goes out to you. I have a child with asd but we are blessed that he is a great sleeper . I know from parenting groups I've attended and online groups I'm part of that it can be soul destroying when your child doesn't sleep. Some of the posters here have been horrible and tone deaf and totally unempathetic to the situation. Obviously it's an awful situation but if there was something you could do to stop it then you would. It's not like you can do a reward chart and reason with your child.

No… it’s been said multiple times that her son is in the bedroom he is because that’s where his things fit.

I really, really don’t understand why nobody is listening to this when I’ve said it multiple times. Yet insisting on arguing about the bed when it is not actually relevant anyway

But.you also have a choice to live in higher or lower residential areas. So you have chosen to be impacted by the noise of others if you have chosen to live in a town or city, or in any sort of property adjoining others.

I think, looking at the previous posts, people would have you give up your personal space so that a carer can sleep in it a couple of times a week/whenever you’re able to access those 12hrs of support.

Which to be clear, is ridiculous and solves nothing.

Or they live in a Tardis and think your son’s specialist equipment should just… fit everywhere.

Oh come on!! This isn't the sort of neighbour noise anyone would expect. Not being able to sleep later than 4am every single day isn't exactly on a par with neighbours having the occasional party or row or having children that play noisily in hot weather. That's the stuff you should expect. Never being able to have a night's sleep doesn't come under the umbrella of things to expect or put up is in high residential areas.

My impression from all of the OP's posts is that maybe she is no longer really coping. What she describes sounds dreadful for her including, if I've understood correctly, being physically hurt by her son. (Obviously not his fault). If that point hasn't been reached it may soon be coming. He will get bigger, heavier and stronger. I doubt puberty hormones will be helpful.
Maybe the house isn't suitable, not because of details of layout, but just because living at home is no longer suitable.

I hope the OP finds a solution for her child and herself. I fear rearranging rooms and soundproofing won't be it.

Not being unpleasant at all, my sympathies lie with both parties. Would you be happy to be woken by the neighbours screaming every morning at 04:30 ? I bet you wouldn't.

Well you could if you had to. Some of us didn't get a choice.

This thread won’t serve you OP. It’s only going to make you feel bad. You’ve been dealt a really hard hand and it’s not going to get better. The neighbor has a right to be cross, sure. She got two health children and should thank her stars. You’ve requested sound proofing and there’s nothing more to be done.

A disabled child is the sort of noise, that whilst not ideal, you need dto find ways to cope with yourself. Same as baby and toddler noise. Same as the noise from a neighbour with dementia. You choose human compassion and get some earplugs and play white noise.

This isn't people putting on music late at night, or having sudden bursts of DIY.

This is someone who cannot understand and cannot moderate their noise.

I have an autistic severely disabled child who makes a lot of noise and I worry constantly about disturbing the neighbours. I think investing in sound proofing might be helpful? Some of the comments on this thread are astounding.. people have no clue. Also those claiming they are 'autistic' as if their condition is comparable to OP's child is also insulting frankly. This thread has been a sad reminder of the ignorance, judgement and lack of empathy we face raising a disabled child.