Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

of course

But it's not wrong not to accept negative impact on others, even if it's not malicious.

Children can also suddenly become disabled at any age which some pp's with children should keep in mind. My son was healthy for 8 years, now he is disabled.

Any parent is an accident or illness away from having a disabled child.

Some people say they live on three hours sleep. Sleepless in Seattle and all over. However. The reality will be. They don’t. It’s like those who say they hardly eat but weigh 20 stone. The neighbour is being tortured and lack of sleep is the best form. Whilst the OP will get up early but isn’t at work during the day, so while her child is at school is getting some lovely afternoon naps. As the tortured neighbour is struggling to get through their day

One what ? A parent of a severely disabled child doing their best to survive?
I am also one. Are we some kind of sub species in your eyes ?

When you have a disabled child, it is very common to live on very little sleep. My child has different needs to OP's child and sleep is still incredibly limited because he needs care during the night.

I’ll spare you the sleep diary, but we average 3-5hrs. Melatonin is sometimes effective, often not.

The wake up, at least initially, is loud. We have reached a point where we can get that volume down, but it takes about 30mins. Any neighbour could then reasonably be back asleep. We can’t because he needs supervision, but it would be quiet enough.

We both work FT, no afternoon napping going on here. I fully understand the tortured neighbour’s day at work - it was my day today, and yesterday, etc etc.

OP’s situation is different to ours, and in many ways sounds harder.

Those who haven’t lived it, don’t have to be sympathetic if they’re genuinely unable to for some reason, but their criticism and judgement isn’t welcome either.

Try it for a year and then come back and tell us all how well you’re doing.

I’ve suffered insomnia. I barely functioned. If the OP was really suffering from exhaustion herself, she wouldn’t want to inflict that upon someone else. The sheer thought of doing that to someone would horrify me. Sleeping in a single bed is not substandard living, nor is it as hellish as she is making out. I’ve not heard the OP offer up any form of a solution, which says a lot.

When you had that insomnia did anyone want a lasagne at 2am, or to go to the park at 3, sandwiches at midnight, tickled by 4?

No. I’m assuming not.

With respect, we’re talking about different tired.

Entitled ones ! Ha ha ha !

How have you managed on 3-5hrs sleep a night for years? Are you confident driving? How long did it take to get used to it?
It sounds horrendous

Our neighbours aren't complaining -

Well then this whole situation is not comparable to your situation then is it 🙄

It’s extremely life limiting, but you get used to that limitation and make adjustments.

I don’t go food shopping, I order it online.

I do housework when I have the energy and anything that can wait, does.

My family live 150 miles away. I haven’t been up for a month because the 3hr drive wouldn’t be doable.

We are fortunate that grandparents do school pick up and an hour or so after school. One of us will have to reduce hours when this isn’t the case.

Some don’t work, we manage to. I’m fortunate to be 10 years into a management career, and have a very flexible employer. Others aren’t as fortunate.

It is horrendous, but it’s a horrendous you get on with, because there’s no cure for sleep issues and what other option is there.

They’re not complaining but I’m assuming they can hear him, they’re not deaf.

They just likely don’t share the same approach or attitude to it as OP’s NDN.

Nope - I have lived in tenement (1905) the problem neighbour was two floors above me I still heard it. And I also heard the people who lived next door.
Current property is 1850 terraced - the noise between neighbours is enough to make us make an extra special effort to be quiet, turn the tv/music down. One neighbour sings in a choir - dd hears that a lot in her room, on the other side we hear hoovering and arguing - the arguing is regular and unpleasant (for everyone I'm sure - they wait till their kids go to school though and we're always up by then)

Would it be possible to attach some soundproofing panels to the walls that are against her property? Might not look amazing but it could at least dampen the noise.
Obviously it's not your child's fault that the noise is happening and some grace and compassion would be appreciated, but I genuinely can't say I'd be able to cope with the level and time of noise you're describing as a neighbour either. It's a difficult situation.

Looking after a disabled child is a whole different type of exhaustion.

Just as the neighbour is prioritising her family, that is what the OP is doing. I'd have some sympathy for the neighbour if she hadn't lied about a disabled child to the housing association.

Although I symapthise with your sitation. I wouldnt cope being woken up at 4.30 every morning, espically if your neighbour works full time, she must be exhausted. She shouldnt of lied to the council, but she is probally at her wits end I would invest money and have your house sound prooved.

It baffles me that you will openly say how bad it is, and yet think it’s totally okay to expect a neighbour to live through it too. Honestly baffling.

I doubt she has lied. Noises can easily be misinterpreted. She has no need to lie anyway. Being deprived of sleep is enough. Any words being used are really neither here nor there

and she just happened to misinterpret that OP's son is screaming foul language?

I'm not convinced.

Omg, everyone saying just move to a detached house clearly have no idea what the state of social housing is in this country. Like the HA could just pull a detached house out their arse!

OP, please be assured you won't be evicted because the noise your son makes. You are are protected under the equalities act for this, and no HA would issue a notice of seeking possession on a parent with a profoundly disabled child and even IF they did no Judge would grant a possession order and make a child like this homeless.

You need to jump online and order a bunch of foam sound proofing tiles and attach them to the wall, and make sure the bedroom has thick underlay and carpet to deaden the noise transference. If you HA has a customer support budget, they may be able to help with this but working for a HA I know budgets are very stretched so they might not help. In which case the council may be able to fund it.

Otherwise, water play at 4.30am may be something you need to consider.

Your neighbour isn't wrong to be frustrated by this, I would be too.

None of us choose our neighbour's and considering the the current crisis in social housing, I doubt moving is an option. Speak to the HA and ask for their advice. They maybe able to offer some advocey/ support to open a dialogue with your neigbour.

Your neighbours may be the type to complain about anyone and there is no guarantee that the next person to move in will meet with their approval. I do have some sympathy for your neighbour but also recognise the position you are in and it seems you are doing your best in very difficult circumstances. A restorative approach can often have a good outcome if both people are open to it.

Unless they can move you to a detached house with no neighbour's (and this applies to private renters/home owners too), I am not sure what the HA can do. People do have to have some level of acceptance and empathy when it comes to neighbour noise. It is not as if you are throwing all night parties and have people coming to and from your home at all hours. Lots of people have to put up with this willful disregard by people who do not care about those living around them. Whilst obviously not okay- realistically it is very hard to change.

Honestly that’s because when you’re living in it, really living in it, you’re aware of how limited your options are to fix it.

I don’t want or expect anyone else to ‘live through it,’ our options to stop it are very limited and I honestly believe that any reasonable person is already doing what they’re able. It’s not like anyone enjoys the experience.

Having an autistic child myself some of the comments on here have no clue, and comments like letting him scream his head off is a joke, they have no idea.
my child is non verbal and is very vocal and that May sound like shouting but it’s him expressing himself and you can’t just shut him up that’s ridiculous, unless your asking for parents like that to gag our children! I feel for you and you seem so lovely to actually worry about this as having a child with additional needs Is so hard and a constant worry so you don’t need this added worry and stressz I am so lucky as my neighbours are so understanding and kind. Sending you lots of hugs your doing amazing 🥰

Just to add (and obviously we only have OP's side) if we are taking this on face value, the neighbour has made malicious and untrue allegations about her parenting. Sadly this does happen, and if true does if an indication of whether the neighbour can be considered a reasonable witness.....