Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

It makes an absolutely massive difference. We saved for a long time and went without to buy our home, we pay a lot of money for it and this is our space which we have worked very hard for, the bare minimum is being able to sleep in your own home.

Having bought our home also means we can’t easily, quickly or cheaply move. To sell our house, depending on where we are at in a mortgage deal at the time, we’d need to pay an estate agent, put it up for sale, book viewings, we’d then have to pay for searches, surveys on the new property, potentially on a couple of properties if the first showed issues, we’d have a % to pay to the lender for moving if within a fixed deal, we’d have to pay solicitors fees, stamp duty, as well as then the costs of moving in general. Add to that the fact the house would be incredibly difficult to sell now with the noise complaints and trying to find a buyer who doesn’t mind a 04:30 start every day.

I don’t doubt that parents of disabled children have less time to themselves, but that’s not the fault or problem of the neighbour who just wants to be able to get a full nights sleep in their own home.

Okay.

But in the absence of the detached property, which OP has said isn’t available- what would you like her to do?

Your disabled community doesn’t exist yet either.

Someone, will “have” to be this child’s neighbour. Someone will live “nearby.” Personally I think it would be great if those people are understanding, but since they’re not in this case - it’s actually quite difficult to do anything about it.

I don’t believe the housing association do houses in the middle of nowhere.

Then you would fully understand the attitude of everybody else prioritising the people inside their own houses and ensuring they did everything they could to have you moved, or make sure you wanted to move, if you were inconveniencing them. Because just like you, they want to do the best for the people in their own house, just like the neighbours do here :)

I’m not going to list the ways it’s difficult to move house with a disabled child, or taking autism into account. Whether you rent or own, it’s a different challenge.

We moved in February, and genuinely I wouldn’t consider it again unless completely necessary. For our benefit. I wouldn’t move him for someone else’s benefit.

The rent/buy debate is all the same as the people going on about tax earlier. It’s snobbery.

“You rent, I own, I’m more important.”
“My taxes pay for those who don’t work.”

Transparent snobbery, nothing more and nothing less.

Oh I understand it, but I personally wouldn’t buckle to it.

If we moved out of the way every time the kid did something society doesn’t approve of, I’d have to make him live in the shed.

What OP actually needs to do is let it be water off a ducks back.

I really feel for your neighbour, she’s entitled to peace especially at 4:30 in the morning, to suggest it’s just tough on the neighbour is ridiculous she wax there first. Unfortunately I knew of a similar situation & enough complaints were made to the HA, council, police & SS thatHA moved the disruptive family out. You’re going to have to find a way of managing it.

@TheHerboriste . I agree with every post you have made.

I am child free as I know beyond question I could not deal with a profoundly disabled child. I chose not to risk that eventuality.

I do not intend my next comment as a gotcha to all those shouting about disabilism, but I have various diagnosed disabilities including autism . So I am far from unsympathetic. Up to a point.

I was driven out of my home and my health has suffered massively. I have a right to feel bitter.

You are massively missing the point. The needs of the people whose lives are being made miserable by a random family they have nothing to do with are of course going to be prioritised. They are the ones who should not have to move (how could they sell anyway with such neighbour issues) or anything else, because none of this is any to do with them. This huge problem has just turned up on their doorstep.

Thing is everyone should be able to sleep during normal sleeping hours. Even the op.

Ops child ok though no fault of her own is stopping people sleeping op, ops neighbours some of which are children.

But nobody should expect to have to put up with being woken daily from their neighbours regardless of the reason.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture as has been mentioned.

A colicky baby is also still different in that you know the baby will grow out of it and again often the parent will take the baby to a different room.

Both op and ops neighbour need to keep on at the council. Because the house just isn’t suitable. Doesn’t need to be a detached just a Semi with double bedroom on the external wall. His only going to get bigger and stronger and as such louder.

"...For our benefit. I wouldn’t move him for someone else’s benefit...."

Jeez. What if it was your family that was unavoidably waking the neighbours every day at 4.30am & making their lives & new house hellish?

Would you move then??

For their benefit 🙄🙄🙄

P.s. you should get over your snobbery chip too, this is just a simple & very basic quality of life issue....

You’ve expressed this so well. Thank you

@YourMintReader
Would it be possible to.have a downstairs bedroom added. That is what we did for our autistic child who.is also v noisy at times. Because it is not attached on the party wall it doesn't impact on us or the neighbours . It has been a lifesaver.
If you could get a disabled facilities grant to do that you.could leave him to it until it is a decent hour.prividing he has a safespace bed or similar and cannot escape of course. And invest in some sleepsuits ( Seen in or Rackettys etc ) that do up the back.and can be made escape proof then you.will not have to.worry about smearing.
And you can.put in a cctv link.or camera to.monitor if required. .This is the only workable solution I think.

If what you’re asking me is if I’d put my family through our second move this year because someone thought it would help them - no. No I wouldn’t.

Whether it’s convenient for people or not, there are more pressures involved in moving a disabled child, and the only reason I’d do it is if the house didn’t meet his needs.

PS: I don’t have a snobbery chip. I both own property and pay tax, I just wouldn’t bring it up unless I was using it to make a point, which other posters clearly were. That point was a superiority point.

Exactly. It is the people causing the disruption who need to exert themselves to ameliorate it, not the innocent victims.

You’re both referring to or agreeing to the idea that a disabled child is a “huge problem,” and suggesting that those who live near them are “victims.”

Imagine saying you’re being victimised by someone’s disability. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so awful.

Children with profound learning disabilities become adults with profound learning disabilities, so I'm not sure your point is relevant here.

This is a great point and an example of why I come back to the thread - sometimes you find good suggestions amongst a lot of foolishness.

I am going to add this to what I’m being up with the OT on Monday. It would be such a game changer if it could work… For everyone!

I think the only issue would be funding as Disabled facilities grant is about 30k and we’ve used about 20 of it recently

Yes, because if the disabled child is the cause of the neighbours being unable to live in their house then it is a problem and they are victims.

That was my point.

The PP said that the noisy children get bigger and stronger, and therefore more able to cause noise disturbance.

I was pointing out that of course they do, because people as a species… grow 😂.

I think victim implies intent. The child in question sounds like he’s just being happy in his house at a time he’s awake, and the way he expresses that is difficult for others.

There’s no intent there.

When we get woken up it isn’t because he’s thinking “it’ll be a laugh to wake the adults up at 1am and make them sleep deprived.” He just is awake, and is responding in the only way he currently knows how. I’m not being victimised by someone medically unable to sleep, and neither is OPs NDN.

Disabled children can’t just change their behaviours or responses. You could change yours to something less unkind.

A disabled child is only a 'huge problem' to neighbours ,as you put it, if their behaviours impact heavily on you & your families quality of life, etc.

Clearly, in this case being woken at 4.30am every morning is a huge problem, and the neighbours are then victims of this behaviour ( again if you wish to use this phrase).

Get over it, the neighbours have a right to their quality of life in their home, and to expect the family of the disabled child to do absolutely everything possible to mitigate the worst effects of this daily disruption I.e. lobbying the housing authority, willing to move to a more suitable property, sound proofing, furnishings, moving rooms , etc, etc, etc.

P.s I once lived beside a couple with a heavily disabled adult child. She was no bother, and they are a very devoted, loving & adorable parenting couple & family.

But they didn't wake us any night at 4.30am, or impact on us in any way whatsoever, except in admiring & really liking them as a family, perhaps, so it's a totally different scenario.

Ultimately the problem is the OP’s to sort; she inflicted this distress & disturbance on them so she needs to make sure she deals with it in a way as to return the ndn lives back to the comfort they enjoyed before she decided to move in & if that means moving then she should

Victim doesn't imply intent. People are victims of floods, famines, car crashes - none of those have intent. They are victims of awful circumstances.

How widely would you like to miss the point?

I didn’t refer to a child as a problem, or anyone as a victim, I was quoting other posters who had and saying that they shouldn’t.

This is someone’s son we’re talking about. Referring to them as a problem, or suggesting that they’re victimising someone by existing in the only way they know how, is offensive IMO.