Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I am more than happy for the taxes I pay to be spent on decent residential care for these sorts of vulnerable children. This thread shows that it just doesn't work pretending that everyone can live happily together. Both mum and the neighbour are stressed and exhausted and their lives are being ruined.

@YourMintReader you are coming across very entitled while no one can deny you are in a tough situation. The sad fact is the house you have been provided isn’t suitable. You can’t expect your neighbours to listen to a child shout at 4:30am.

yes the world needs to be accepting but not unfortunately the world doesn’t revolve around you and your child.

Haha, I wish! We get 12 hours a week but it’s often hit and miss because there is simply nobody to do the care. Night time care actually easier to get, probably because it pays more.

He doesn’t understand consoles and is still obsessed with Peppa Pig and In the night garden. Fine motor skills of about 18 months

I need downstairs space for him to run and walk around. I need the space as a downstairs living area for us and cannot be confined to an upstairs space as he will want to go between kitchen and lounge/hallway area which needs to meet his needs (and does)

HOW do I come across as entitled? Entitled to what exactly? A bit of help in my life? The life that is lived in fear that I’m going to die one day, leaving my profoundly disabled child one to a range of abuse? The life that has given up everything in order to provide such full on, intensive care? The life that means I am a walking corpse at times?

I adore my son. I need the appropriate tools to do it though. Please, please explain how I am entitled

I have already explained the solution I am looking towards that’ll be discussed with an external professional to put into place.

I had this. It wrecked my mental health. Howling, shrieking, banging, and animal noises from 5am. They had no carpets as the child would shit and piss on the floor. So they kept the windows open too.

I made as much accommodation as I could , even investigating sound proofing but given the configuration of the property was advised it wasn't a solution, so ended up selling up my beautiful home.

On the day of completion I was in the Post Office arranging mail forwarding. In comes the neighbour who explained she was moving out with the child as they had split up.

You couldn't make it up.

You describe the child like an animal. Talking about how he ‘pisses and shit’

Awful for you. But that poor woman.

Yes I had every sympathy for them. I tried for years and felt enormous guilt.

Yes my words are harsh, but that is exactly what it sounded like. There is no point sugar coating the issue. Of course I never put it in those terms to them.

Oh and to the person who suggests it gets easier with age. No. No it doesn't.

I tried to bear it for years but in my case the child simply gets larger and stronger and heavier and more violent and even more capable of causing issues.

God help the parents in these situations. awful. It does no good to pretend the wider community is not affected though.

Children do grow tbf 😂

They eventually become adults!

Honestly I don’t think what I’ve said is unfair. It’s been shown time and time again on here that people do not tolerate neurodiversity/invisible disability. If you look ‘normal’ you should be able to act normal and if you can’t it’s because someone didn’t teach/parent you right or because you’re not trying hard enough. That reply was just regarding the ‘keep him quiet then’ type posts.

I don’t disagree that something needs to change here and that might mean the OP making a compromise that doesn’t feel ideal to her but we’re also all advising without having seen the house, the bathroom, the bed etc. It can be frustrating to end up getting suggestions that just won’t work for you over and over again - that could be the case here, I don’t know.

You asked how you seem entitled.

You come across as entitled because your need for a big bed and to have your things in your bedroom supersedes your neighbours having a possibly better night's sleep.

I slept in a room with my sons as we had no extra room, for about 2/3 years. Very little space for anything with their bunk beds. But so what, I just got on with it.

Why can't you?

There’s already quite a lot of “getting on with it.”

I can’t speak for OP but I personally view our space as ours, and would really struggle to give it up as we have so little left for ourselves.

At the end of a long day, with 3hrs sleep, your bedroom and it’s environment is very important to you.

I had a mental health crisis and ended up in hospital in a similar situation. I was so sleep deprived that I ended up on a disciplinary at work (where my concentration, or lack of concentration could have had life changing consequences for others) and then the final straw was having a (fortunately minor) car accident, which I suspect was due to tiredness. I had done everything I could, moved my whole house round, invested in sound proofing, wore ear plugs, but was still getting max. 3-4 hours sleep a night and not all in one go. I don’t dispute it was also a tricky situation for my then neighbours, but they took no responsibility for it. Probably why I feel so strongly about the posters telling the OP the neighbour just needs to suck it up.

But why??

The neighbour didn't sign up for this. They are living near a loud family by sheer happenstance. Because they randomly purchased property adjacent. Why should they revolve their lives around this family's needs and noise??

The default norm is "quiet enjoyment of one's home." The person(s) disrupting that peace are the ones in the wrong. Regardless of the source of the noise or the reason for it; that's irrelevant. And especially during hours that are customarily reserved for sleeping.

I'm sure it's challenging to have a child with these conditions. Many of us chose to not have children because we didn't want to risk such a situation. To have it forced upon one anyway is untenable.

But the neighbours' isn't?

In this scenario, can social housing not provide a detached house?

For everyone's sake & sanity....

Well clearly - yes. Because it’s been said that the neighbours shouldn’t have their peace disturbed, or have to adjust to the child’s needs.

So their space clearly is important to them. It’s reasonable that OP would feel the same way about her space and limited time in it.

The thing is - it isn’t irrelevant.

Disabled children aren’t in the wrong for being disabled, and their parents aren’t in the wrong for having them.

Interesting that you feel so strongly about your own peace & space, what about the neighbours who have bought this home for themselves and cannot even get a full night sleep, through no fault of their own and with no control? The neighbours are not in the wrong here.

I would never tolerate or accept noise at 4am every single day. Regardless of whether the source was a child, elephant, someone learning to play the saxaphone, religious chanting, motorcycles revving or whatever.

It's not "critical of the disabled" to want a decent night's sleep and quiet enjoyment of one's home.

A residential commune for families with specific accommodations for people who cannot control their noise, need safe rooms to avoid injury, need space for respite carers to sleep, large gardens, etc. would be a lot more humane and productive than expecting random members of the community, who live nearby with party walls through sheer luck (or unluck) of the draw, to have their lives and health disrupted for years on end.

I would be happy for my taxes to fund such programs and facilities.

Even if it meant your neighbour and their kids had a better night's sleep??

Wow.

I’m not sure having bought your space makes it anymore or less annoying when you can’t sleep in it. Not really sure why it needs saying.

I would go so far to say that the parents of disabled children have significantly less space and time for themselves than those without. That’s not an especially bold statement, it’s just an unfortunate fact.

@Placeholder123

Our neighbours aren’t complaining, but thank you for your concern.

Would I put myself or a disabled child in an unsuitable space for anyone’s benefit outside of this house? No. Take that how you will to be honest!

But that's not the neighbour's responsibility.

Everyone knows when they choose to procreate that there is a chance their child will have serious illness or disability. That's just an unfortunate fact. To some people, clearly it is worth the risk. I'm sure it's difficult if the abstract risk becomes concrete reality.

That doesn't mean that unrelated people who happen to live nearby need to have their lives completely upturned, too.