Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I can't comment on how the OP feels about her life. It's her life and her son. But it's not the neighbours' life or son, and their life is being ruined.

I don't know what the answer is. But there must be a property somewhere that doesn't directly impact neighbours. As I said previously maybe something with a granny annexe of some sort as those don't generally have party walls with neighbours.

I don't know what the solution is. All I know is that, if I were the neighbour, I would do everything possible to get them moved away from me. It's possible to be sympathetic to their situation while simultainously prioritising your own family's welfare.

Okay so it’s just more okay for them to be uncomfortable than for you to be then? And what about the comment that they have saved and spent a fortune for their home, a lot harder and more expensive to sell & buy than for you to move.

Do you really want to live beside neighbours who will be on at you like this day in and day out? Letters from the council, calls from HA, because they won’t stop, I wouldn’t if I was absolutely exhausted every day either. If they can’t get you moved they’ll just make sure you really want to move, it’s not a nice situation either way.

No matter what the toll on others??

You can integrate someone into society by day without ruining others’ lives and health with round the clock chaos and screaming.

I think ruined is a bold statement, to be honest. And I’m saying that from the perspective of someone who’s been awake at 1am. I would never say that that child is ruining my life.

Those properties aren’t available through social housing schemes, it’s like asking for the impossible unfortunately.

tbf you have no idea of your neighbour's situation – she may be thinking 'So I have to wake up at 4.30am every morning forever more then. After devoting all these years to saving up to buy this home, I can't sleep past 4.30am and me and my children have to be sleep deprived.'

I have sympathy for you, but you don't seem to be open to any practical solutions that might help reduce the (significant) discomfort of your neighbours. It's not an ideal situation – and there isn't going to be an ideal solution. You will need to make compromises to be a good neighbour. Which many, many previous posters have suggested and you are just shooting everyone down.

Sleeping in a single bed is not a calamity.

I think OP is making things much harder than they need be. 9years in and she is only just considering sound proofing. Minimal concern for neighbour and her family. Absolutely refusing to consider moving the child from adjacent room. And seeming to rank her need for double bed over neighbours need to sleep. How on earth does she expect the people who get up and go to work and pay their taxes to be kind and sympathetic those circumstances?

Okay, so nice where to, exactly? What is this mythical property you speak of? There is a housing crisis. Admittedly, it’s not so bad in this area - However, what you’re describing is beyond specific. How likely do you think it will be that it’s possible? Come on now, this is social housing.

And what about the comment of having to sell and move in their situation? What do you honestly want me to say?

I know it would ruin my life. Without enough sleep I can't function at all, and do genuinely feel suicidal. And that's without the worry of having children doing exams etc.

If it's your own family causing the issues I imagine it helps you to deal with it. But the neighbours have just had this intolerable situation dropped on them.

Well said. There is zero consideration for others.

I don’t know whether you realise how critical of the disabled your tone sounds.

However - my first priority is the child that lives in this house and what happens in these 4 walls. Show me someone who doesn’t prioritise their own family.

I personally think that society would be a far more pleasant place if it didn’t want to send disabled children to some sort of commune for the vulnerable, and were accepting of their needs. If at 4am the thought was about how he can’t help it, and it must be tough for the mum.

Like I said, that’s the more pleasant approach IMO. Far more pleasant than wanting to send him away somewhere.

He is 9. The issue at hand hasn’t been present, in such extremes, for 9 years, obviously..

And as I’ve stated before ffs, previous neighbour was insisting the noise wasn’t heard by her/didn’t bother her. Of course she could be lying to save face and be nice! But she seemed completely genuine and stress free, breezy. Why would I start insisting and fighting for sound proofing in that situation? It didn’t occur to me because it wasn’t an issue

Well said. I have a tough job and need to function at work. To pay taxes for those who can’t work.

This is what l would do: collate the evidence which as you said would be easy if it is every day from 4.30am, l am sure the neighbour is already sick of it a few weeks in. She has been very controlled under the circumstances, l would have been round a fair few times by now l am sure to say the noise isn't acceptable and my house is sick of being woken up every day. I wouldn't be moving house (it would be a cost to me, the market is slow where l am and the my location is convenient for me) plus l am not causing the problem. I appreciate OP is in a tough situation but the world doesn't stop for her family. Already a minimum of 3 other people are being disturbed

You lost me at calling women Karen’s, and men ”mean men”.

That’s not your neighbours problem.

As you say you’ve had neighbours previously who didn’t mind, this one does, so it’s not every neighbour. You’ve got one here who is- rightfully- really struggling with the situation, that’s not going to change, do you want to live there? Letters and calls every day about the noise? I wouldn’t personally.

And frankly if I was your neighbour none of those things are my concern, my priority are the people in my house. Every single person in my house would suffer with this sleep pattern, I’d never stop pushing and I suspect they won’t either.

Are you going to pay their stamp duty, solicitors fees etc for them to move?

Ha, nice little dig there about getting up to go to work and pay taxes.

Let’s not forgot, residential care costs about £9,000 a month. Roughly 100K a year. Probably a lot more when a child or adult needs 2-1. Of which isn’t being paid for because carers like myself are providing this care, above and beyond what anyone can expect of someone on their own with no help

I use to work for a blue chip company and made a great living from it, although stressed. I now weep at just how little I had to stress about in comparison to my life now

Are you not hiding behind a keyboard yourself, or is it just those who don’t agree with you that are hiding?

Nobody who is waking up at that hour would claim it’s easy. But trust me - it’s much harder under your own roof.

If the noise from ours wakes you up, you’re still not managing the actual child. You’re not doing the backward and forward to resettle them, you’re not being kicked at 2am, you’re not dealing with the meltdown. You can hear it, sure, you’re not in it.

Disabled kids need somewhere to live, and unfortunately the world isn’t always equipped for what they need.

They may be better in a granny flat situation. There isn’t one available through social housing and OP likely won’t be buying one.

Making sexist, derogatory, comments is probably why no one had any sympathy for you.

for your sanity and your neighbours I’d be on at the council that you need a property with a double bedroom that’s not on an attached wall.

Because that’s what is needed. One less stress if you don’t have stressed neighbours who are mad at you.

I work full time, pay taxes and get woken up all night. Your son’s needs sound more challenging, we don’t have round the clock carers and there’s more than one of us here.

Honestly, you’re welcome to them. If those taxes help your son get the bed he needs, the support from carers and gets you some respite - go for it.

We’re not all begrudging supporting a 9 year old because he might be happy too loudly.

It sounds like a horrendous situation op.
I'm just wondering why you did the swap ,and maybe ask if you can swap back .
I don't think as your son gets older and bigger ,this is a situation that will improve.
Do you have a disability social worker? If not ask for an assessment to get one .
She / he can discuss all this with you ,and work out the right direction to go in .
It's really not fair on you ,or the lady next door .
The other thing is to go back to your consultant and re assess the medication,
Trial giving him his medicine later in the evening,so he wakes later in the morning.
If your managing him ,I fail to see why you have to have male carers in your home ..I refused that for my son .
Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to ..have you checked?
Could you put some thick curtains up on the adjoining wall to help muffle the sounds .
I think you do need some help with this ,..can the school do a TAF ,get one set up to look at long term solutions and the current situation
I'm sorry things are so hard for you ,it sounds incredibly difficult and tiring,and everything is always 100 times worse on no sleep,you must be shattered opxx

How often do the respite carers come OP. Is there anyway at all you can reconfigure. It seems the only option.
What space is downstairs, can you make a bedroom for yourself there? Is there anyway you can swap your room with his, use the box room for storage or partition off a part of the large room?
Or is there a routine you can do for your son where he can play ona console between 4.30 and 6am downstairs?
Can respite days be done at a residential centre.
There has to be some solution, even putting up studio grade sound proofing in the wall? Maybe you can get a grant for it?
Some of the studio grade sound proofing looks really cool too, and just sticks to the wall so easy to install.