Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

I fail to see why sleeping in a single bed is such an issue.

No one is saying it's ideal, but either you are looking for solutions or you are not.
You CANNOT move some of your kid's equipment you say, fair enough, but you COULD move bed.

Your current situation is not sustainable for anyone. It will only get worst. You say it's only been 6 weeks?

It’s not just the single bed (I have a mattress that’s for arthritis in my bigger bed). But it’s the fact that my stuff and personal items would all have to remain in the same room as the men sleeping there

Wow. Just Wow. I've never seen anything like this.

Unfortunately that might be something you need to come to terms with. I know it sucks (I do have personal experience) but sometimes you just have to do whatever works to manage a situation. And yes, it can feel like we're always bottom of the heap.

I don't think whoever provided you with this property really understood your needs. I know it's not easy but they need to prioritise something more suitable for you.

Wow.
Objecting to being woken at 4.30 am daily makes her horrible and selfish??
Poor woman didnt get a choice in this... its just been dumped on her.

yabu for not making compromises. Your son would be fine in a smaller room that hasn’t got an adjoining wall. This would go a long way to solve the problem and it seems you aren’t open to this.

She’s said repeatedly, his things don’t fit in a smaller room. Some of which (like his bed) are essential to meet his needs.

It’s also quite likely he needs the most space because of his energy levels and movement. My DSs is in the master bedroom in our house. Ours is big enough, but his is intentionally bigger.

I think people are because it is one thing to think it is hard and then another when you actually see it.

I never said it should become the neighbours problem.

But just because adults are kind and understanding to your face doesn't mean they find the situation tolerable. Waking people up at 4:30 every morning is not ok it will have an adverse affect on their health and well being. Tolerating that is not about being kind and understanding...having an undisturbed night's sleep is a basic. The neighbour must be going insane with lack of sleep and no end in sight.

Though it is the neighbour's problem. Sleep deprivation is torture (as OP well knows, as she deals with it as well). It won't help anyone's mood.

You can be understanding and still say that your own needs (the neighbour's) and health are important too.

You could get a special mattress for a single bed. And leaving your stuff in the room with the carers isn't that big a deal. Your neighbour would probably agree to leave her own stuff in a room with the carers if it meant they didn't all get woken at 4am!

I think its easier to talk about how understanding you would be when being woken up every day at that hour is a hypothetical situation.

OP I hope you can get some help from the HA.

It seems like there’s a giant thread every week about problems with SEN children disturbing neighbours.

As a society we really need to create purpose-built housing with effective soundproofing, safe rooms and other accommodations. It just seems batshit to expect everyone (the parents included) to just deal with it day after day, year after year.

Absolutely.

I think that’s because there’s a real lack of sympathy for the disabled and their carers. Which this thread has shown.

SEN children do “disturb” others, but ordinarily it’s in ways and for reasons that they can’t control, and some people seem to have a real lack of empathy or compassion for that.

There’s been a lot of things on this thread that when you bear in mind are about someone’s child, are completely unnecessary.

Of course they disturb others! No it's not their fault but that doesn't change the fact that the neighbours are having their lives ruined.

Exactly.

Regardless of the reason, excessive noise is unacceptable.

I agree. You are making their home impossible for them to live and sleep in.

Are you saying that with any understanding that OP’s life is therefore also being “ruined” (as you put it)?

I never, ever understand this debate. She has said, she will look at sound proofing and other options like moving him downstairs (?!) aren’t workable.

Where would you like families with children like hers to live - the middle of nowhere? Outer space? Excluded out the way of people they can bother with his noise?

You would be lucky to sell with the neighbours you have complained about still in situ.

Interesting, but you think it’s okay for your neighbour who has bought her home to just accept being woke up at 04:30 every single morning forever more?? Or that she should have to go through the extremely expensive process of selling her house, to get away?

I would move if I was you. I do understand you’re not in an easy spot but I would be livid if I was your neighbour, not only would it be impacting me but also my husband who needs his sleep for safety in work and my daughter who needs her sleep. My own family are my priority so I’d be on to the HA & council with every bit of evidence I can get- which would be easy given that I’d have nothing to do every day from 04:30 every day other than collate that evidence.

It would be worth getting on to see if there are any soundproofing options to see if that makes any difference

This is the risk people take when they choose to have children. I am childfree in large part because I wouldn’t cope with this sort of life. Being forced to live it anyway due to an out of control neighbour would be soul deadening.

Yes, there should be purpose built family residences where the noise and chaos would not carry to others’ homes. I would gladly pay a bit more in tax to fund public development of this sort of housing.

I don’t think it’s ‘okay’.

And from what I’ve read up on, because this relates back to disability, it doesn’t matter how much evidence you get. It doesn’t appear you can force someone out because of this issue if it relates to disability

Move but where to? Again, same issue is likely to happen again surely… and in addition to that, you’re looking for a sparkly covered unicorn in house form. So never going to happen then, in reality

Personally, I do not want to move my disabled DSs out of the way.

He needs to be integrated into society, and learn to live within it as best he can, not be pushed out of it.