Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

An additional issue with that is also, as I say, he is MUCH louder and more energetic downstairs. So lots of loud banging and crashing sounds not long after coming down

There’s also free flow between hallway and living room. Otherwise, it’s a disaster and would involve a lot of pent up energy and even louder crying and deregulation noises, again much worse

I think she’s likely to hear much less with him upstairs

I think you've quoted the wrong post

While I have every sympathy for your situation I would find it absolutely unbearable to be woken at 4:30 every day and I would be complaining to anyone who would listen.

Well. I’m sure OP is deeply apologetic that her disabled child is such an inconvenience.

If I were the NDN I would absolutely be tired and not like the noise. I’m tired now, and I don’t like the noise. But I would approach it with compassion and empathy and try to work together to resolve something, not just force a vulnerable family out of their home.

OP,
as a suggestion
are you (i.e. your ds) eligible for an assistance dog?

I know the thought of looking after another sentient being could stress you now, even reading about it.
However these are very special dogs (in Ireland they're trained by guidedogs for the blind) and friends of mine who had a heavily autistic child said it was an absolute life changer for them.

I'm not certain it would help with the mornings but I'd suspect having a really well trained, calming, lovely natured lab pottering around (or even sleeping) from early might well calm your ds down a bit , if not a lot. It could make mornings better for all.

Having lived next to someone who worked nights (so bumbled in loudly at 04:30 every morning for about three years) when I was younger...it's awful. It's not just the lack of sleep that is the problem, it's the anticipation about being woken up (often to the point where you don't sleep at all), the stress that no one is listening to you, and, eventually your mental health. And if the neighbour has teenage children, she's probably thinking about their exams (particularly if one is 15) - because let's be honest, no child is going to be able to revise, or sleep well, and therefore perform their best in exams that do have a huge impact on their future, in these circumstances.

It's crap for OP.

It's crap for her neighbour.

I have no solutions (I ended up moving away from my neighbour to a detached house for this exact reason), but this can't continue.

Because the OP has already stated that taking him downstairs will create more noise and activity and violence.

I don't know if you've ever had one of those mornings where you're so tired you find it really difficult to come around, but when you're consistently getting poor sleep it is like that every day. You physically can not force yourself into action. You aren't alert. You can't risk assess properly. You can't take your loud, energetic, boisterous child into a space where there are more risks to himself and others when you are chronically sleep deprived and your every single waking moment you're in fight or flight mode because you've got to always be ready to anticipate unpredictable behaviour.

I do feel sorry for the neighbours because it is clearly impacting them too but taking him downstairs is not a solution.

Going downstairs is a signal that the day is starting, and that means it's OK to start spinning and flapping and put the tv on and jump on sofas or go in the garden and play with toys that can be loud or hard that make noises when dropped or thrown, or go to the shops, and so many other things that cause noise, and when you can't go in the garden like you want to because its 4:30 in the morning, or you can't play with your toy that repeats loud repetitive sentences because it's 4:30 in the morning, or you can't have the tv on at the volume you want it because it's 4:30 in the morning or you can't go to the shop because it's closed because it's 4:30 in the morning then as a high needs autistic person with little to no concept of time that can be extremely upsetting and aggravating and you might just feel like the only thing you can do is yell and shout and throw things and hit and kick and bite and I can't see the NDN being happy if the walls were shaking with things hitting it or the screams were louder, or the OP raises her voice, or doors started being slammed, or things got broken either.

I've said in another post I don't think the NDN was wrong to complain, sometimes it's needed but she was wrong to create complete fabrications. It's disgusting, ableist, combative and ridiculous. There's no reason the neighbour couldn't have just talked to OP to try and find a solution. Maybe both houses need soundproofing. Maybe the neighbour doesn't understand the property layout constraints, so hasn't considered that she can also move furniture, maybe she hasn't tried earplugs out of sheer stubbornness and just wants to kick an isolated, depleted mum while she's already down because she's a bully and that's why she won't cooperate.

And no, things aren’t to such a degree that I will consider residential care yet. I feel I can go on given appropriate respite and school time —residential care was threatened by me to even achieve this level of respite in the first place

I won't comment on residential care as I don't know about it, but you do say that you feel you are able to care for your son because you get some respite when he's at school and other respite times.

What does this mean? Because you say you're surviving on 3 to 4hrs sleep. That's not sustainable.

And why should anyone?
This would drive me insane!

May I ask why you moved? And what was the set up like in your previous home?

Absolutely this.

It would also be unbearable for my own children, and I am afraid my first priority is them. We cannot function at all on so little sleep.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason.

I wish I could say this thread has been eye opening but my eyes were already open to hatred and misunderstanding of ND people on here.

What a tricky situation you are in OP and I really feel for you and your neighbour. My neighbours have never once complained about noise but I stress constantly about any noise my NT kids are making (to the point of wanting to move also) so to actually have had complaints must be awful.

No one wants to be woken early by a neighbours child screaming and it must be so frustrating for them and if they have a similar level of understanding of neurodiversity as people on this forum then they probably wonder why you don’t just tell him to be quiet. If you’re saying his equipment won’t fit in any other room then I don’t know what you can do. Soundproofing doesn’t always even work as sound travels through the floor too.

You can’t just magic up a detached house to live in which is what you need really as this could just happen again elsewhere.

Indeed, but do you not think my priority is my (very vulnerable) son? In addition to care and consideration for my neighbour

All of this

I wish I could say this thread has been eye opening but my eyes were already open to hatred and misunderstanding of ND people on here.

that's very unfair.

It's not hatred to say that it's just not possible to live next to a neighbour like this.
What about another NT child being awaken by screaming? Would that be manageable for that family? Of course not.
People are exhausted, they snap.

The OP has limited options, but stating that the neighbour should be accepting because she takes a few parcels is not helping.

Not wanting to have carers sleep in your bed? of course not. But then make that bed the carer's bed.

Something needs to be done urgently, it's just not working in this set-up. If the neighbours are at the end of their patience and decide to retaliate with noise, we can imagine the chaos.

Maybe the neighbour doesn't understand the property layout constraints, so hasn't considered that she can also move furniture, maybe she hasn't tried earplugs out of sheer stubbornness and just wants to kick an isolated, depleted mum while she's already down because she's a bully and that's why she won't cooperate.

I am not sure trying the make the situation the neighbour's fault - when really it is not - is going to help anyone.

Accusing someone to be a bully because they are not accepting to be awaken by screams at 4:30 every morning? That's ridiculous.

Not wanting to have carers sleep in your bed? of course not. But then make that bed the carer's bed.

So I have to have a single bed as my only space forever more then? After devoting all these years and many many more, I have to sleep in just a small single with nothing else to my name, and can’t have my own space because it is now the space of strange men I have no personal relationship? And my private items and all belongings will have to stay in that room with him too. Think about that.

Has the property got carpet and curtains? Could you ask for the HA to install sound proofing plasterboard? Could you add mute mats under the carpets? I don't think you should move. I think you need to find ways to reduce the sound transfer. You can't stop your child from making noise but you can try to install soundproofing measures. I think you need to do as much as you reasonably can Nd then after that you can't do anymore. I sympathise with your neighbour because noise can be very distressing and a bit like torture but your child isn't doing anything on purpose and you and them have a right to live and enjoy your home.

You’d be surprised, but you just get on with it.

This week alone we’ve been awake at 3:07am, 2:48am, and 1:06am. Last night was the worst.

Neither myself or my partner are dead. We have survived before and will now.

You get used to the exhausted nauseous feeling. What you wouldn’t do is make that worse by actually going downstairs and starting the day at 1am. We get by somehow til around 6, when everyone else in the world will accept the chaos that being awake brings, and we’ve somehow woken up enough to tackle the day.

People can’t genuinely expect someone to start their day when this child wakes up. In our house we’d have started it at 1am today, and been getting shouted at about a playground by 2am.

I would treat this urgently OP, because eventually your neighbour is going to find a way to make it tolerable for them, and you might not like how they do it.

My neighbour's son is a PITA (he can help it, so a very different situation, but his parents aren't reasonable about it), so I've figured it can be made tolerable by overplaying him with louder music. They don't like it but if they won't help, you just find another way for your sanity.

Before you know it you may be listening to a lot of music, or however they choose to make it manageable.

What do you mean by they might find a way to make it tolerable? It sounds vaguely threatening.

Do you know what is bullying though, making up absolute bollocks to your neighbours landlords because you don't like them and things aren't going your way.

Just what I said. The neighbours will have to find a way to cope and that might be something that makes things harder for OP. Like playing loud music so they can't hear it. How is that threatening?

That the neighbours might counteract his noise with their own that at least they enjoy and that might make life harder for the op and her child.

Or your neighbours have to wake up at 4:30am forever more.

This is what I meant when I said about compromise, I think you need to try to find something that helps, even if that’s not great for you in the short term. It gives you some breathing space to find another solution (soundproofing etc) and possibly helps the complaints to the HA.