Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Perhaps both houses could move their furniture around if not already done so ie wardrobes on adjoining walls in both houses. As the neighbour I’d be tempted to put some sort of soundproofing on my side. No it’s not my responsibility but OP cannot silence her child.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. My child is autistic and severe end as well but not like that in terms of biting etc. Hopefully it gets better as he gets older x

I'm surprised, unless you mean upstairs flat neighbours? I'm in a 1890s terrace and don't hear anything at all - unless they are having a full on NYE party, in which case I hear muffled music (I've actually complained it's not loud enough - they have great taste in music 😁)

I would encourage people to watch this:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

To give you an idea of hard it is with a child who has autism and can be violent

I’m shocked by the number of people who are saying the neighbour needs to tolerate this situation and not complain. The OP states her day cannot start at 04.30 but in all likelihood the neighbour’s day is and she then has to go to work. Does the noise and banging continue in the evening once the OPs son is home from school? This neighbour has seen her home life massively disrupted and she is expected to just accept that? While her methods are not acceptable in her position I would be contacting the HA to ensure all possible options for allocating the OP and her son a more suitable property were explored and if this was not possible or a wait was expected then the OP should be supported to make adaptations to her current home to minimise the disruption.
I am not blaming the OP she is working incredibly hard to care for her son and she deserves to live free of the stress and worry this situation is causing for both families

I don't think anyone is doubting how hard it is. I can't even imagine. But it shouldn't become the neighbours' problem.

What a difficult situation for OP and the neighbours.

OP l: are there any suggestions in the quoted post which might help.

I also second previous suggestions of trying to speak to your neighbour, explain the situation, ask for any suggestions she might have, and keep her updated re soundproofing etc. This is really difficult and stressful for both of you, but being at loggerheads is only going to make the stress worse.

At the end of the day, perhaps the only real solution will be a move for you to another HA property with a large room for your DS which is not on an adjoining wall but I imagine that could take a long time to achieve.

In the meantime, I think you need your neighbour to know that you are doing everything you can possibly do to minimise disturbance to her and her children

Firstly, explore if you can get a more suitable property where your son's condition won't be making the neighbour's life hellish.

Failing that

1. move your son to the detached side of the house (I.e. the bedroom with the most external walls) And
2. get sound proofing put in
3. Do anything else reasonably possible to mitigate the noise transmission e.g. carpets, furnishings, soft wall hangings. White noise(?), etc, etc, etc
4. I know you're doing everything to help your son's condition but maybe see if you can get more help on this specific issue (screaming from 4.30 am each day). This is making life hell for you & hellish for your poor neighbour's also.

Good luck, that's a very tough life & situation to be dealing with, I really hope you find some help & solutions.

Based on a lot of replies on this thread, I would like to retract my previous assertion that most adults are kind and understanding. Clearly, most adults are tossers like your neighbour.

I do think most people at least pretend to be kind and understanding to your face.

I do think most adults are kind and understanding.
I think most would also become less kind and understanding if their own sleep and that of their families was disrupted every single night, regardless of the reason.
My son is doing his GCSEs at the moment. I would find it very frustrating if he was being woken at 4.30am every day.

Would you really be kind and understanding about not being allowed to sleep past 4.30am, every single day? You may well be understanding, and even kind to the neighbour, but you would still find it intolerable particularly if it affects your children and their exams. And I'm pretty sure you'd be pursuing every avenue to make it stop.

But what, realistically, do you think OP can do about it? She is running on four hours sleep a night, is a single parent to a child who can’t be left unattended while awake and obviously can’t work and doesn’t have any spare cash.

All the comments banging on about how shit it is for the neighbours - OP isn’t an idiot - she knows how shit it is, but none of it is her fault and it’s not as if she can just tell her child to pack it in or he won’t get an ice cream later.

Threads like this remind me of why I would never, ever post on here got advice about disabilities or neurodiversity. The ignorance is absolutely horrific and people’s attitudes are even worse.

It’s okay to find it in intolerable. It’s not okay to be a dick about it.

The neighbour isn't being a dick. She's complaining to the HA to try to get something done - as would anyone in that situation.

Do you think then that in situations where nothing can be done (as in OP's case) those that are impacted should accept it; that their own homes are no longer the place of refuge they should be?

Would my attitude be horrific if I found it so frustrating that I felt forced to move?

I was mainly referring to all the shitty comments on here when I talked about people being dicks.

I don’t think that’s the case at all. Would you honestly be ok with being woken at 4.30 every morning and then going to work and your children going to school? Having constant screaming and banging, the tension would be intolerable. I could not safely do my job with sustained poor rest and those children will be at exam age soon. This is not about being kind it’s about having a quality of life and meeting the needs of all those involved.

If I was OP’s neighbour, I would be thanking my lucky stars that I wasn’t the one raising a severely disabled child on my own with absolutely no help or support.

I’m not sure why moving house would make you horrific though - sounds eminently sensible to me 🤷‍♀️

But she is being a dick because shw HAS lied to make it seem worse than it is.
What do you think can be done?? How can a behaviour related to his disability be improved ?? Any punishment regarding to his behaviour/disability will be discrimination.
I'm not saying it isn't difficult for the neighbour but sometimes the needs of others overcomes your need for comfort

As I posted earlier, I am woken by my neighbor's autistic child. No, I do not find it intolerable. I find it frustrating sometimes, of course, but I understand it is no one's fault. It wouldn't even occur to me to complain and I'd fully expect the HA to tell me to get a fucking grip if I tried to.

However, my last post was more aimed at the commenters on this thread, not the OP's neighbor. OP is not lazy, she's not purposely allowing her son to annoy the neighbour. She is doing the best she can in a difficult situation and it seems a lot of posters either don't realise that or don't care.

As for the neighbor, asking the HA to look into remedial actions like soundproofing or calmly explaining she is unable to tolerate the noise and asking to work with the HA and the OP to find a solution is one thing. Making up lies is quite another thing.

That hour in the morning where the child is left to wake up and disturb the neighbour is purely for ops comfort of not wanting to start her day an hour earlier.

Give and take goes both ways. Why does ops need for the extra hour to her self trump the neighbours sleep at 4am.

Lets face it the neighbours very likely hear lots of disturbance all day night weekends. They just don’t want to be woken at 4am and the op could stop that by taking her child downstairs she doesn’t want to. Applying for a grant for soundproofing isn’t going to fix the issue fast it’s a long process while her neighbours are all still woken every day.

We don't even know she has lied. She may be mishearing. I think the OP needs to be moved to somewhere more suitable. And if I were the neighbour my focus would be on getting them moved away from me, full stop. Yes of course everyone would have sympathy for the OP, but the neighbours shouldn't have to suffer.

This

If you are really doing all you can then yea - it’s difficult but not much way round it.

If you aren’t then that’s poor … it is completely unreasonable to expect NDN to tolerate such an early wake up everyday without repercussions. I’ve been that neighbour in similar situations and it’s fucking hellish.

Also to add OP it sounds like it’s all really hard on you too

Im sorry for this OP it sounds incredibly hard.
I am trying to imagine being woken up by a neighbour screaming at 4.30 every morning and I think this would drive me bonkers.
New builds have very this walls.
We had a new build and you can hear shouting and door slams for sure.
Are you sure you cant switch rooms with him and give him your room plus the box room for his stuff?

I think I would be looking to move if there are no other solutions to mocing his room to the outside or you will forever be dealing with an unhappy neighbour And stress of worrying about it.