Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

NRTFT as so long
I wouldn’t move, the area is perfect for you and your son bar the neighbour.
Can you put sound insulation panels on the adjoining wall?
Theyre not cheap but maybe the HA might help ir possibly a grant from the council or a charity?

Has OP cancelled the cheque moved her son's specialist bed into a room it won't fit in yet?

OP - keep pursuing soundproofing. Speak to the HA and your local authority. If needs be, engage your MP to assist. You could also try disability charities - NAS, Scope etc. You may be able to access a grant/financial assistance towards this. You may also be able to get some moral support from the disability charities.

Oh fuck off telling me I’m not putting enough effort in. You have no idea. No fucking idea. I have dedicated my entire life to this. Everything I do is to try and ensure he can life a happy, healthy life. To try and get some basic communication so I won’t die one day terrified he can’t still communicate that he’s hungry or in pain

So much effort that when my youngest child passed away, I didn’t have anyone for respite show up and had to register her death with him during the appointment and sit in tears from the chair as I was bitten (unfamiliar place for him) and try and spell out names between deregulated shouting

I agree with this! My 13 year old is non verbal and the loudest person I know. We’re in an end of terrace and our neighbours tell us they never hear anything and apologise to us about their dog barking in the night! (I know they must be lying. We don’t go outside between 8.30 am and 9 pm but even inside the houses there’s no way they won’t hear him shout and stim etc). All these people saying you should keep him quiet are obviously being ridiculous and wilfully ignorant - as if it were that easy! Point is, my neighbours don’t complain because they can see we try our best to minimise disruption to them and are having to work incredibly hard to support our son and create a happy safe home for his sister too, and they’re not dicks, I reckon they bought ear plugs and crack on. Sorry your neighbour isn’t like that but how lovely that her kids seem more understanding!
only thing I can suggest would be hanging out in the box room for a bit with him in the early morning? Have a few of his things in there so he can potter about for half an hour but it’s not on the same side of the house as the adjoining wall?

Thanks, our old neighbour was like that. Amazing couple. So kind and kept telling me they never heard a thing. Identical to your neighbour, kept applying for their loud dog that use to bark, but I just never really noticed because it became background noise that I didn’t notice anymore, and what’s more, comforting that it was something I wasn’t responsible for! A bit like a crying baby on the plane. I don’t care and just feel relief it isn’t mine!

Box room is almost certainly connected to one of her son’s rooms and would mean constant banging on those walls as it’s such a small space so probably going to be even worse sound wise

That is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Have you been able to access counselling? I had counselling when my son almost died several times due to prolonged seizures. It helped I didn't think it would but it did, the practicalities of caring for him didn't improve but my ability to navigate it and maintain some semblance of mental health definitely improved.

OP doesn't need a detached house perhaps, but definitely does need one where her dc can have a bedroom in a room not adjacent to the house next door.
HA should have taken that on board before they moved the family into non suitable accommodation.

I feel for both sides, but it is obviously much easier for OP to move than next door family, who must be absolutely beside themselves. The costs of selling, buying, redecorating alone runs into tens of thousands, and why on earth should they have to do this anyway? And once complaints about neighbour noise are factored in, they would have trouble selling too. In effect, their house has been devalued.

The little boy does seem to be out at lot at school, so I guess if OP could cut her work hours she could catch up on sleep then. It's terribly hard, but it's only going to get harder quite quickly as time goes on.

I don't think ignoring neighbours and hoping they shut up is the answer, and I imagine it would have to be very comprehensive sound proofing to work as a long term solution.

I know you say that you’re tired etc, but can you really not see why your neighbour is annoyed at being woken up at 4:30am? They’re probably also very tired and trying to live their life on limited sleep and have had their lives significantly disrupted. I’m not saying they’ve gone about things in the best way, but surely you can understand that some compromise is needed?

What compromise do you propose? OP’s child is severely disabled to the point that he is non-verbal and cannot be left unattended while awake.

It’s not easy to move an autistic child. I wouldn’t personally do it unless I had to, which OP doesn’t IMO.

He’s also likely just out at school the normal amount. Same as other people’s kids. It won’t be “a lot.” Might not even be full hours.

In that time, household tasks and sorting things out from the chaos needs to happen. Which I know they do for everyone, but you’re likely not doing your food shop on 2hrs sleep.

It really is debilitating, and makes everyday jobs much, much harder.

I do work FT, but I can guarantee you that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend 6hrs in bed. Those hours aren’t available.

The things others do while their kids are entertaining themselves, or are playing, don’t happen when my DSs is at home because they can’t. They all fit in when he isn’t. Which as I said, is difficult to do when you’re exhausted.

I was about to make the same point. You have been through so much, OP. I know counselling might seem just another thing to arrange and fit into your life, but I think you really need support for you. Remember that you are very important too.

But that’s genuinely not the neighbours problem? Everyone is entitled to peace in their own space, especially at 4:30am!

Again, what do you propose she does?

Instead of berating her and making her feel like shit for something she’s already clearly struggling with, why not give her some constructive advice or a solution?

Do you have a solution or just the obvious fact that nobody (including OP) wants to be awake at 4am 😂

She can’t just shut him up, or relocate to Saturn. The kid exists, he is loud, it is difficult. She’s said she’ll look at soundproofing; I’m not sure what else anybody wants.

I’m not berating her, I appreciate it’s a tough situation all round, but she seems very unwilling to acknowledge the impact this is having on her neighbour and I strongly disagree with people who think the neighbour should just suck it up.

I am not unwilling or unable to see the impact on my neighbour. Hence it playing on my mind. And me being in touch with OT regarding sound proofing options and ideas along those lines

But she does have to as she is ruining someone else's life. If I were that neighbour I'd be suicidal and would do everything I could to get them moved away from me and my family somehow.

They need to be moved to a property where a suitable bedroom for the child is as far as possible from any neighbours. A granny annexe type thing for example. No one can be expected to tolerate this, regardless of it being a shit situation and not done deliberately, it's still making life intolerable for another family.

Perhaps she could find the soundproofing herself if the OT is taking a while, for a start.

I feel for your neighbours, nobody should have to put up with screaming at 4 in the morning. You knew these houses were new builds and therefore the walls would be paper thin, you have created this issue.

I created the issue, really? Besides that, all the properties that come up are new builds. All of them. Even when directly through the council. There aren’t any older properties coming up, if they are they’re as rare a hens teeth

My last house was a new build and didn’t have thin walls.

Do you get a kick out of being so unpleasant?

Even the neighbours who didn't say anything and tried to make you feel better will be crawling the walls with the noise - so don't bet on the "nice neighbours" really not minding - they mind just as much they are just too polite to say and the impact this is having on them is not ok.

I think going to a local charity for funding for sound proofing might help - whatever you do you can't do nothing and just expect your neighbours to be nice and just suck it up because your son can't help it.

Yes, because single parents of severely disabled children have loads of spare cash lying around to soundproof homes they don’t even own 🙄

I have lived in two Victorian properties that had no sound-proofing - our current one 1850 terrace...we hear the neighbours moving around, hoovering etc and their weekly argument - which is usually a corker.

As it's an HA property I don't think we can blame the OP. HAs don't give much choice do they? I have no idea how HA moves work actually, but it's got to be more limited than buying. I can only imagine the HA didn't realise the full extent of the likely impact on neighbours. Edited to say I've just realised it was a swap. HAs don't have any control over swaps then?

OP - where were you before and how was that? You've been asked a few times and I haven't seen an answer. If the previous place didn't have these issues then, firstly, why move? And secondly it shows that solutions can be found with the right property. Again edited to say I see previous neighbours didn't complain. That's astonishing. In what way was the property/set up different to this one?