Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

You sound pretty unpleasant and totally lacking in empathy.

Wow! Just Wow! For some one with autism you're obviously not aware / seeing the complexities that some children with autism have.
I've taught many children with autism and some have a good grasp of expectations, some have been non verbal and some have been in their in their own world with very little recognition/interaction of others around them.
To assume it's down to bad parenting, is totally disrespectful and pretty dreadful to be honest and diminishes this young lads needs. You can't teach a disability out of someone! The fact you jumped on this path says a lot about you.

OP it's not a great situation for either you or your neighbour but please don't be chased away. You are working so hard for uour son. He has very specific needs and this home / location works well for you. You have documentation and proof of his disabilities, (the fact you have a room for respite carers speaks volumes ) which the housing team will have to acknowledge if she complains again.
You could speak to the housing team so they are fully aware of the extent of his needs and how this presents for your DS, which could hopefully reduce the complaints you hear about.

Of course that’s her NDN priority - she won’t find a solution in making lies up about a disabled child.

There are adjustment, such as soundproofing, that OP can try. There are some that will make hers and her son’s situation even worse, and those ones aren’t possible or shouldn’t be tried.

My DSs went to sleep at 10:30pm. He’s awake now, and has been for about 20mins. There is categorically no way on planet earth we’d take him downstairs and start the day now, it’s just a ludicrous idea. It could be a very long night of keeping him calm and settled until he goes to school.

Believe me, I’m aware how difficult it is being woken up by a noisy disabled child. For both OP and her NDN.

My assumption is that it’s easier to get back to sleep when you’re not responsible for resettling or managing the behaviour of that child.

We can’t just make these kids be quiet. It’s a process and it takes time. If the noise and wakefulness could be easily stopped, we would have by now. Nobody’s encouraging this, are they - surely.

There’s a limit to what people can do, and actively starting their day in the middle of the night, when those days are already challenging, just isn’t a possibility.

Why can he not go in your room or another room away from where your neighbour is sleeping? I think if I were her, that’s what would be upsetting me. That you aren’t even trying to compromise. Your attitude is. Hey ho. You are in a tough situation but you are putting someone else in one too by simply not putting a bit of effort in.

These noise threads make me so happy I live in the countryside, detached as people aren’t willing to help their neighbours out by being more thoughtful.

So you work? The only reason I'm asking is you say he's at school a fair chunk of the day and you're there to take parcels in? So if you're not working you can catch up on sleep in the day?

What about making wake up time bath time? If he's calm in the bath?

I feel for OP because she’s in an impossible situation as you’re not exactly offered a catalogue to pick houses from, but not coping with being woken up at 4:30 am isn’t a “dated opinion”. The neighbours must be exhausted.

Try your best at what? Being an insufferable, selfish arse?

I have a heart and sympathy for you but the screaming needs managing. Screaming induces stress in people hence the reaction from your ndn.

Maybe move his bedroom downstairs to the lounge?

can you not read? She cannot get him to be quiet in the same way you cannot get a baby with colic to be quiet. They dont have the understanding. Also in what way would a bath even help?
a) baths are noisy. Imagine the noise at 4:30!
b) baths only last an hour max. Not sure they are going to be happier with 5:30
c) it isnt safe for OP’s son as OP with not be able tp safely supervise him as she will be sleep deprived.
it makes be so angry that everyone acts like they’re inclusive and accepting of autistic people until the more severe cases. Unfortunately you cannot discipline the autism out of them

OP I feel for you, my little boy is exactly the same. Screams all times of day, doing anything or nothing, reading, falling to sleep, playing, bouncing on the trampoline, walking, eating, anything. I made a post about it recently as I wasn’t sure how to navigate it but a lot of people commented some children with ASD do infact, just scream, however hard I try and curb it.

You’re doing the best you can. And as OP pointed out, although you can be as considerate as possible, your child is your priority. And should remain so. Well done and don’t be so hard on yourself. Some of these comments are enraging to read as they really don’t understand.

No one understands until you’re in their shoes. Just try all you can.

This tbh is what I do with my child with additional needs. I don't care what time of day it is, once the meltdown hits the point of no return, I pop her in the bath with a bubble machine.
I sympathise with the exhaustion, it's hard functioning with chronic sleep deprivation. Do you think a routine of bath straight away in morning would help? With mine, it's easier to monitor them in the bath then a whole room.

Moving i don't think will help, this issue will follow you wherever you go. I've never seen a detached house pop up on the bidding website in my area..

I would definitely aim for soundproofing, there are a few cost effective options, where they measure sheets that stick to the wall. This would be my point of call, if you don't feel on edge about their noise you will feel much more relaxed. I found it harder to deescalate my LO as I got so paranoid about disturbing the neighbours, it ironically made the meltdowns worse as I wasn't 100% present and they are so sensitive to your stress or anxiety.
Turned out our neighbour is deaf 😅 so she was lovely about it and not effected. Phew.

There is obviously, blind and curtains, cushions, carpets and rugs. I use blackout blinds with curtains as I found blacking out the room helped her sleep longer. We did get away aswell with moving her room once we found out which one was the neighbours.
I also take her downstairs during night meltdowns, but i invested in a sofa bed so in particular bad nights when it's all nighter screams we can crash out there.

Obviously though it's dependent on behaviour and safety as during bad periods I know we had to have an empty room filled with mattresses due to the self injury aspect in meltdowns.

I think most people do understand, but are also seeing the POV of the neighbour.

Do you have near neighbours whose sleep is being disturbed every day?

Yep, my eldest once things get incendiary I take him outside. Because walking calms him. I've taken him and the dog and the baby in the pram at 10pn when he was 5.

OP, I am so sorry you’ve received such awful responses - MN is sadly not a safe place to post about neurodiversity or special needs.

Most probably; but I try my very best to be as accommodating as I can in MY home. I don’t let him out too early at the weekend, he’s never doing it late at night. We have a trampoline so he loves the garden, and it is my house as much as theirs is theirs. I waited until 10.30am last weekend to let him out but I heard people mowing their gardens and using power tools at 9.30/10am so some people aren’t that considerate.

we can only all do our best.

While I can empathise with the neighbour, her lies are not acceptable. I understand she is frustrated with the noise but telling lies to deliberately cause trouble for the OP.

You have to move rooms OP. Leaving the majority of his things in your room, has your DS got an ipad and headphones? Maybe he can watch it for a few hours when he wakes, distracting him is your only option.

People do understand how difficult it is but also understand that the neighbour must be driven to breaking point over this. The only person who can do anything here is the OP. She needs to recognise that things will have to change. Soundproofing, moving rooms, being more on the noise, not using the garden and going to open spaces instead.

No one is saying it’s not difficult but, having been in the neighbours position the neighbour probably feels under constant attack

Step up. Put more effort in. However much effort you're putting in, it's not enough. Stop the excuses

Did you mean to sound so unfathomably horrible?

What changes do you propose she makes when she’s running on 4 hours sleep a night and can’t leave her son unattended for even a minute?

Attacked by a disabled child making noises?

Nobody is saying it’s easy, or they enjoy being awake at 4am, but attacked is a bit far.

Tell you what.

You spend the next 9 years getting between 2-4hrs sleep a night and then come back and tell OP how safe you’re able to keep someone in a bath at 4am. Or inclined you are to get bitten, start your day or run round the house at 4am.

She’s not lazy, she’s exhausted.

Clueless. And until you’re not, don’t be so vile.

Very difficult situation for both you and your neighbour. You're neighbour is probably going crazy with lack of sleep. I think your dc should be taken downstairs when they wake at 4:30 - this is something you can do, also not sure of your bedroom set upon but his bedroom should be as far away from the party wall as possible, I know things are hard for you but if you can't stop your ds screaming and you don't want to move you need to minimise the impact as much as possible.